Summer was in full swing and it was a balmy 92° in Wheeling, West Virginia. My friend* had just gotten in from mowing the lawn. “Honey, I’m dying out there, please just one sip from your pop.” I reluctantly slide it over to her, she quickly takes a gulp. “Ahh”, she says, obviously quenched, “I haven’t had Dr. Pepper in ages.” I bit my tongue in order to prevent getting in a physical altercation**. How can she not tell this is Pibb Xtra? I can hardly contain myself, “Looks like you missed a spot outside”, I say, diffusing the situation.
*mom
**grounded
10. Doctor
The minimalist in me absolutely loves this. Cuts out all the bullshit of a surname. If you’re handed this while at somebody else’s home, walk on eggshells the rest of the visit, you’re in a no nonsense household.
Taste: 2/5
Name: 3/5
9. Professor Fizz
I had always assumed Dr. Pepper was a medical doctor, specializing in quenching my thirst. Never has it crossed my mind that the doc entered academia. Professor Fizz earns a top ten spot solely for turning my world completely upside down.
Taste: 0/5
Name: 4/5
Lesson in Assumptions: 6/5
8. Mr. Green
Stripped of his medical license for being too goddamn cool, Mr. Green should come with a pair of Oakley Gascans and True Religion jeans.
If you see somebody walking down the street sipping this elixir, please do yourself a favor and give them their space.
Taste: 1/5
Name: 3.5/5
“Do you have these in a darker wash?”: 10/5
7. Dr. B
It is perfectly normal to be afraid of the doctor. Plenty in the medical field are cold, calculated, and seem almost robotic.
Not my man Dr. B. He knows you’re a bit nervous to get those test results back and wants you to know that if anything, it’s a shot in the butt and you’re in the clear.
Taste: 3/5
Name: 3/5
Sense of Security: 5/5
6. Dr. Schnee
Schneeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Taste: ?/5
Name: 100/5
HALFWAY POINT DR. PEPPER FACT
5. Dr. Dazzle
Most doctors have one job to do, heal the patient. Dr. Dazzle is not most doctors, because sugar, it is here to impress. Not only will your brain receptors be firing on all cylinders after one sip, but Dr. Dazzle will make it look good while doing it.
Taste: 4/5
Name: 4/5
Pizzazz: 45/5
4. Dr. Wham
I got a liter of this last Christmas, and just one drink put me on the edge of heaven. The caffeine will surely wake you up before you go (go), and the price point gives you the financial freedom to buy your woman everything she wants.
Taste: 3.6/5
Name: 5/5
Onomatopoeia: 5/5
3. MacFuddy Pepper Elixer
I know about this one all too well. Sold only in Cracker Barrels, a restaurant I’ve had the pleasure of dining at on my grandmas birthday for the last 23 years.
Please Donna, there’s a Red Lobster right next door. One more starch filled meal of chicken n’ dumplins and, I swear to god, I’ll lose my marbles in the middle of this general store.
Taste: 4/5
Name: 5/5
Pairing with birthday cake: 10/5
2. The Fizzicist
All jokes aside, this is by far the most clever name possible. The Fizzicist. THE FIZZICIST. Unbelievable. Say it aloud with me. The Fizzicist.
Taste: 4.9/5
Name: 200000000/5
Name again: 40000000000/5
1. Dr. Nut
I mean….c’mon
Taste: ???/5
Stopped being produced in 1970.
Name: Infinity/5
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