Confessions From A Crazy Bitch
I was the obsessed one. I love bombed her and never stopped. I am even starting to notice this in my current relationship. I love them the way I want to be loved. Growing up, my mom was so inconsistent and had ridiculous expectations. She taught me that I needed to “do things for others” to be loved and validated. I had to entertain my moms verbal abuse and pass it off like what she was saying was right. She had a way of constantly making it known that she “goes without so that I can have everything I want”. Being a ‘spoiled brat’ was a good thing right?
I believed I HAD to be everything she said I was.
“I’m fat…worthless…a fuck up….disgusting…pathetic…spoiled….just like my dad….I hate myself”
Now I find myself obsessed over the happiness of everyone around me. Being alone is my biggest trigger for anxiety. I don’t want to answer to what my body wants and needs. That’s selfish. I will go out of my way to not be alone, to be around someone, to give and get attention. Once I am in a relationship, I leech on to them, ignore every single one of my wants and needs, which leads them to become completely oblivious to them. This goes on for months, everything is amazing, we are ‘CRAZY’ about each other. One time my partner had to leave for a weekend on a work trip. The first night was fine. We messaged back and forth and video chatted, “I love you, I miss you so much..” blah, blah, blah. It was everything I wanted for reassurance.
Did I need to know that she was suffering too? Was that the reassurance I really wanted?
The next morning I woke up to a ‘good morning’ message. She was in meetings all day (the typical), so I let her know that I had some things planned for the day and she can just let me know when her day is over and we can chat when she gets to her hotel. Message was sent around noon, my mind thinks “Okay, she messaged me when she left her hotel room at 7:30 am. She probably started her meetings around 9:00 am. A lunch somewhere between 1:00 and 3:00 pm. If not a lunch then an early dinner around 5:00.” I have no idea how work hours are when on a business trip. Don’t you think more than 12 hours is a little excessive for a work day? I am done and home for the night around 6:00 pm and no messages, calls, nothing. A check-in on Facebook she was tagged in from work. My first thought…
She’s dead! She didn’t even make it to her meetings. She would have messaged me when she got there. She must have gone to the bathroom, she couldn’t text me then?!
I am at home, alone, in the quiet. I take a shower because it is the only thing that will keep me from not tweaking out over my phone. — I will open and close the messages to see if a text comes through. Anytime my phone will light up or vibrate I think “that’s finally her”. Nope. It would make me furious, I had no idea what to think other than she was ignoring me. Just “too busy” to even think about me for 2 seconds and send a simple heart emoji. I found this on the interwebs that explains EXACTLY what I mean”
Me asking you something simple as to throw me a goodnight/good morning text is fucking simple. I relate it to unbuttoning your pants before you take them off. Either you undo the button (text me) or you leave the pants button and pull them off (not text me).
Over time you are wearing down the button on your favorite pants because of either the inconvenience or laziness of unbuttoning them
Your favorite jeans… 1 simple task to keep them in good shape.
The apologies were endless and the next day.. the ‘make up’ was definitely worth it!
We talked about her work trip (meetings, weather, flight, every meal, some “event”, her drunk boss, and all of the other stories that were “you would have to had been there” vibes) and how much we missed each other and how we never wanted it to happen again blah blah blah.
It was so natural for me to consume everything she said so I could prove how much I love her, we didn’t talk about what I did or what happened when I had a mental breakdown. Either she didn’t ask, or she did and I just said something short, making it seem like my time was not important.
I was never able to tell her about the way I reacted when I wasn’t receiving the level of communication I had expected.
Since I am so consumed and dependent on her and her life, I don’t have one of my own. Nothing outside of her and I. I am able to do this because I shut everyone out that used to matter so much to me because I chose to not keep in contact and still include them into my life while I am in a relationship.
Eventually her family and friends were my only family and friends.
THIS IS A BAD IDEA!
Like hello… This is the reddest flag ladies and gents, nothing redder than this. Once you say “good fucking bye” to them, you say it to every mutual being. Mom, dad, best friend who became your best friend too, even the dog. Even my sweet Jaxson. Anyways that’s for a later rant.
I wanted to be her marionette, for her to guide me step by step through life while I entertain her enjoyment. I admired her, I loved her. But what a sick love. I was begging for the love I never received as a child.
I am doing everything right. Everything you could ever want. I am being a good girl. Can’t you see? Why won’t you love me?
I held these outbursts back as best I could, I was also so confused as to what the fuck was happening. Why are my emotions so extreme when certain things happen. Abandonment. There it is. Let me just say, don’t hold that shit back. I don’t know what you have to do, but, expect full support from your partner because they actually won’t make you feel like shit if you tell them what is going. I wish I would have done that sooner.
So I just want to let you know, I have now recognized my narcissistic and toxic behaviors during this time. Being in denial of that was a good reason for me to look back on my craziness
Shit, if I ever receive that amount of mutual love… It will never happen. No one can love me the way that I can. But if I set those ways as my standards… I will forever be alone. So what do I do? Drop my standards? Make a PowerPoint Presentation of possible combinations on how to show me love.
There were several times after that work trip that we spent days apart from each other. There were communication boundaries and other than being bored and lonely, I didn’t seem to panic when she didn’t meet my “standards and expectations”.
I felt like I was starting to ask for too much. Getting so upset because we would plan to call each other before she went to bed (she was always partying so she stayed out later and asked her to call even if I was sleeping) and she would sometimes “forget” or her “phone died” or it got “too late” and didn’t want to wake me up. After multiple times of asking her to just at least message me once in the morning when you wake up and once more at night when you are settled in.
I was seriously obsessed over her safety and didn’t trust anyone around her. There was no way she could fully enjoy whatever she was doing without me there. I was getting jealous at first. Watching her post pictures on the beach with her family and friends.
Working at a breakfast cafe means working weekends is mandatory
I am a person who needs to have something so bizarre and extreme happen for me to have to miss a day of work. So her planning vacations and all of the fun stuff was guaranteed on a weekend. Why did my mind go straight to
She thinks I am no fun and hanging out with her friends is more important than me!
But like… Come on Alexis. Who wouldn’t choose going on vacation every other weekend? I guess it was just me. It is when I started getting more and more jealous and upset that I wasn’t included in the “glamorous” part of her life, I really started to let her know. Messaging her 100 times a day, constantly checking her social media to see if she posted anything. Messaging her friends to see why she wasn’t responding to me. Then… THEN… I would be furious if she pointed out that I was acting a little “crazy”.
I HATE BEING TOLD THAT I AM ACTING CRAZY!!!
Now someone tell me something that will make me feel an emotion. Until next time, love ya betch