My Neurodivergent Life
I have recently become more aware of my actions and thoughts, noticing that they are extreme when I sense things are too much
I mentioned “having a touch of the tism”, being an adult with ADHD and several other mental disorder diagnosis, autism was just the cherry on top, making everything I think and do, make SO MUCH SENSE!
GIVE ME STIMULATION!!!
So much of my life is based on the amount of stimulation I get from the action I am doing. If there is nothing stimulating me, I am bored, over it, will half-ass everything and never want to do it again. If I am too stimulated I will have a complete meltdown and lock myself away to have a tantrum. The stimulation needs to be just right for me to be happy and content. That’s all it takes.
I can be in a room full of clowns, spiders, snakes, murderers, idgaf. As long as the room isn’t too bright, the murderers are shouting they are going to kill me, the clowns are blowing up balloons and honking a squeaky nose, the spiders are chillin somewhere on the other side of the room, and I get to hang out with the snakes. Snakes are smooth to the touch and don’t fly so aren’t a huge bother. They only freak out when they are scared, they will get scared if I am scared, so if I end up getting scared it is because they started it.
I will be completely content, shit, throw me a puzzle book and I will have it finished lickety split. Said puzzle book is my STIMULATION.
I can hyperfocus on a puzzle book with everything happening in that room and be completely satisfied.
Throw me into the most awkward situation, make it embarrassing if you will. I have mastered the art of masking, I think….
Being in the service industry my whole life, I wear a mask better than Jim Carrey. I can mimic who I am talking to, even laugh and smile with them, while deep down loathing everything second of the interaction. Gritted teeth and bulging eyes is really how I want to look.
Let’s talk about sensory overload
It happens when something is too much.
The lights are too loud
My sweater is too itchy
Can’t concentrate when the room is too quiet
Concentrating when things are too loud but drown each other out
I can hear the fridge buzzing, the clock ticking, all the small noises someone else can just drown out!
Freaking out when someone has been clicking their pen for an hour and I have only noticed it for the past 60 seconds.
Watching a video on social media and I can hear their smoke detector chirping. WHAT ARE YOU DOING! HOW CAN YOU NOT HEAR THAT!
Cutting all of the tags out of my shirts because they can get too scratchy
Clipping my nails makes me want to throw up
I NEED THE BIG SPOON!
It seems to be very common for the special ones like me, to favor the small spoon. I will always go for the big spoon, it just makes sense, I won’t eat it if I have to use the small spoon.
What is that smell? Now I have to find the source, start at the fridge and throw everything away, this smell has got to go. Is it me? I need to shower.
Why is the water still running? Who is doing dishes right now? Why are they just letting the water run? It’s been on for like 14 seconds, wtf?
Wearing my hair up for the past 8 years, every, single, day. If it dare touches my neck, I’ll freak out.
Grocery shopping between 2am and 5am, because, people.
Procrastination makes me productively unproductive
My chase for dopamine, stimulation, anything that will make me feel is a constant battle. Once I find that 1 thing, the chase is over, for a very short time.
Just the other day I had a situation with my partner, we have never experienced what would happen if they caused my over-stimulation. Walking with the dog, they want to tell me important things that happened during work. The dog is pulling on the leash and probably about to eat duck shit. They are using “filler words” and making the whole outline of their conversation seem never-ending. My sock just fell off of my heel in my sneaker. We are standing in 1 spot so it can help me focus, but now I am too damn hot and can feel the sun burning my skin, we have to move right now. I need to ask a question. Wait, did they just say “fired”? What the fuck is my dog doing!? Why won’t my partner get to the damn point! AHHHHH
Please tell me I am not alone.
Until next time, love ya betch