Feeling A Little Shitty After Ballet Class, And Okay At The Same Time
What she said.
I have six notifications, and I don’t care. I’m never going to read them. I’m starting to speak up. I’m starting to accept that I feel that I am bottom rank. Know that this is what I am, what I am socialized to be.
And feel my anger.
And hurt.
And figure out how to exist in the midst of my tininess. I’m too “in process” to reciprocate any claps right now. Sorry, no offense.
I am like a mouse that wants to rule the world. What are the fucking odds?
I am going to write today about my feelings. I left the studio at 11:45 am because I’m not in any of the pieces. One of the people actually has me in their piece to start rehearsal next week. I don’t know how (or why). He is a white boy/man.
I want to talk about this really quickly so I can continue with my day. Right now I have brain fog.
Ballet
So when I got to this place I was 32. They were going to tell me that I was too old for their Trainee role. They thought I was 19, but my birth-date I had to fill out on a form, I remember, said otherwise.
But they saw my discipline they said and didn’t ask me to go. (This is what the Director told me when I asked if it would be possible to get better and move up in rank here.)
So I am here dancing with ballet dancers who at the latest, got serious at 16. Me, 22/23. Competitions like Youth America Grand Prix, a big ballet competition for kids and teens.
I never did anything like that. Not serious until the summer of my senior year in college, even though I took classes, and had auditioned for dance programs when I was a high school senior to no real avail.
Is my being here a win in itself? I don’t know.
Pregnancy
There were a couple of the high-ranking dancers, the principals, who either were or are pregnant. One is now. It is weird because it makes me wonder about myself, about how I am 34 and don’t have the desire for pregnancy.
Not right now. I don’t know if ever. It is traumatic enough being this form, to be honest. I’m sure there are reasons I could blog about. (I have so many things to write about first.)
But I do feel weird because I am older than this dancer. So I keep my distance because I feel like a weirdo for not being where they are, not fulfilling this “woman duty.” And also it’s something I wonder if I desire, like I wish I wanted to be like this, maybe.
Anyway, this person is in charge of setting choreography, and she didn’t reply to my email. But I think that I’ll start to exist in this space as I am and just ask, How is it going, your pregnancy/or being “with child”?
I’ve felt distant because her life seems perfect: marriage, new child, house, double majored, principal dancer, right family background (you know the one…or do you?).
I also feel like they support Donald Trump, which I don’t understand how a girl/woman can support anyone who has really done hurtful things to PWVs. Republican or Democrat.
Anyway, whatever. Chain yourself, I already have slave ancestry. I don’t need more. Still, my story is valid too. My path.
I also observed how people didn’t say anything for the Black Lives Matter thing here, only a roommate I had who was white — is this how the ballet world is?
Even though they didn’t say anything, and even with the political affiliation, this doesn’t change who I am and who I want to be as a person. And I think it gives me practice to be human and vulnerable. And give good energy, too. And stand in my evolving reality, since I have to figure out still what to do.
Better Days
Isn’t this a song? Anyway, I will also say thank you for the fact they gave me a scholarship, and still think of me for casting….
I am not good enough, or they don’t think I’d get good enough to move up to apprentice by April, especially based on the level of people they’ve now started to take. And I’d be too old the Artistic Director told me. 35 by then.
And having a surgery last year doesn’t help, the Director said. I do get to dance the Snow role. So I’ll review these things later. I’ll write and then check off more boxes. Then I’ll go back to ballet practice (since I finished early today).
This Is The Mother******* Conclusion
Fyi.
I’ll probably let them know that if they need a press release for a show or something, that I can write one up for them.
I think that even though I haven’t been so great with the social aspect, and feeling inferior to the perfect white and non-white people I’ve been around, that I can still find a way to start to live in myself. Relative to others. Stand in myself, as tough as that can be. And write the story that is unfolding.
Onward.
