I Am An Outsider And It Hurts Like Hell
A book that S.E. Hinton DIDN’T write, but maybe I can still STAY GOLD. (A quote about staying pure.)
“Stay gold Ponyboy, stay gold.” -In 9th grade English, The Outsiders, a quote to remember
Today I have to talk now to the Universe. But I share because I’m selfish and hope that I find people who get me and empathize with me and see me and don’t ignore when I hurt (and me them, the right people). I wonder how this post will turn out.
IT WILL BE STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS AND I’LL POST. I NEED TO RELEASE MY ANXIETY.
I am looking for another dance company space. I am horribly sad where I am now. I am around people who surpassed me but who followed the right steps. They joined this company after college or after following this young.
I spoke to the Artistic Director yesterday about how invisible I feel here, and that it sucked that I wasn’t even dancing in the next show, only choreographing.
Long story short, I like her fine. Like, she’s nice. I don’t really have anything negative to say. I had Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner at her house last year. I wore her leotard she gave me today. She gave me a scholarship for this year so I wouldn’t pay and didn’t fit their criteria to move up in rank, a compromise.
Still, it did suck that they told me that at my rank normally choreographing is open only to apprentices not trainees. But this place let someone who was a trainee choreograph last year. So that’s not really true — why did that person get to break the rule? And also, why did you all email me with this option if it was closed to me, too? Now I feel like I overstepped my boundaries.
I get it, times are tough and people are trying to stay in business. But what I am experiencing is still real.
Tuesday, 3/2/21, 6:45pm
Still, it doesn’t matter. I also closed up when a young dancer who I say hi to asked me how I was. She saw how I didn’t get any corrections in class last Saturday, how the focus was on another dancer, not me. And because I’m African too, sometimes I think to myself, “She is African American. I wonder if she thinks I am ‘ignorant’ or ‘backwards,’ that Africans don’t do ballet. They’re not as ‘cultured’ as us.”
It’s not right, but I closed up because I realized my difference again, and my embarrassment at being treated like an afterthought that they saw firsthand last Saturday, and what this young black person will think of my lowly stature, and the distance I have with them.
This gets in the way sometimes from me connecting. Like now I’m taking a private lesson from a dancer who is from Haiti. This helps because we share this connection, the other country black connection.
My closing up is probably human. I am human. I don’t owe some extremely happy reaction when I hurt and do have these factors to consider I feel.
Wednesday, 3/3/21, 9:30am
I walked in today and I was surrounded by all of the people that were integrated. I am not integrated in the company the way others are. So I just write this to cope and know that I’m taking steps to move forward. 9:42pm.
It just feels like I am so little. The coordinator for the trainee role said to me last August that she didn’t think I’d get good enough to get to the level they wanted for apprentices now. And I feel like she is watching me and judging my dancing every time I see her looking my way.
Yesterday I thought, “Fuck you,” when her hawk eyes glanced over. And I don’t do that. I’m not that person until I am, you know. Or today I was so angry because I saw how integrated another person was. Granted I’m not the best, but even so, I did well today. I got my double pirouettes in a lot more than yesterday.
And taking classes with the students at night (mostly white but even when they are black I am uniquely different still and sense it — age, hybrid background, path), it really messes with my psyche. It is worse than being with company members in the day. At night, I decenter and break away.
How can I win? Can I win? Will I be bigger than this? Will I be okay even though I get so annoyed now being around the people I’m around, knowing I don’t fit? Will another ballet opportunity find me, where I don’t feel inferior, and where it doesn’t feel so exclusive in a way that I don’t fit.
Sometimes three weeks ago
Or that I am treated differently too — the same dancer who I wonder if she is judging me with her eyes walked by me one day as I was crying. She would have stopped for one of her favorite dancers. And I don’t know why the fact they were pregnant adds nothing but something to the image. It was a metaphor for what I am here.
There’s other stuff. But I can’t take it anymore. I just can’t.
On another note, here is something good. I need to schedule a meeting with the Artistic Director (not the good news), so I’ll do that after. It is to the person judging me with their eyes — they are the principal here and do a lot of admin work.
Venting here I hope doesn’t transfer bad vibes, but it is my experience. I release any judgment and can still be myself in communicating.
The Good News
An agency got back to me. Another one didn’t accept me. They said that they wanted to book someone who they knew would always get booked. Whatever that means. Is that code for mixed or white person? Probably. Maybe not but I don’t care. Probably though. I looked them up on Google…whatever. ANYWAY.
Dear God, if I get a white girl gatekeeper, please give me a Linda Evangelista or Christy Turlington type who clearly helped Naomi Campbell. And fuck Modelogic.
Let me get the right one, thank you for the one that got back to me. And let me find people of every look and background who don’t get offended by my angers and realities.
Anyway I’m not sharing more details yet. But it is good news.
Let me get out of here now. Thanks for seeing me. Two things can be true. The Artistic Director is fine, nice. I still have a bad time. Granted maybe it’s my dance level, I don’t know. But I feel excluded. Invisible.
God, I let go.
Onward.
OEM
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