What Do You Put In A Toaster

There’s a piece of toast in here, she said.

In the bag?, he asked.

Yeah.

Are you sure it’s not just a crusted piece?

It’s toast. It feels roughish.

That’s weird. Where is the loaf from?

Foodmart.

Why would a piece of toast be in the middle of a loaf of bread?

I don’t know, it’s weird as shit.

It’s efficient.

I’m tossing the loaf.

Why?

That’s just weird. A piece of toast mixed in with the regular bread. It’s like..a tainted loaf. It’s like mold.

It’s not mold. It’s just toasted bread.

Why? Why would toast come pre-packaged in a loaf of bread that I bought at Foodmart?

What brand is it?

I don’t know. Arnold’s.

Maybe Arnold’s has a new thing where they include one piece of pre-taosted bread within their whole wheat loaves now. Like when…remember at Burger King how you’d get a thing of fries and there’d be one onion ring at the bottom of the fry box? Like a little toast surprise.

I…wouldn’t we have heard about that shit? That’s like a weird news thing that would’ve made news at this point.

I don’t know, rogue marketing shit I guess.

Even if it’s intentional, it’s weird. I don’t feel, like, rewarded or anything. It’s not even crisp, warm toast anymore. It’s been in the fridge. It’s soggy. I’m tossing it out along with the rest of the loaf. So if it was a marketing thing, it backfired, Arnold’s.

Let me see it.

Here.

It seems like a decent piece of toast. You could probably re-toast it.

Why are you so attached to this bread?

I’m not attached, I’m just saying. It’s not like we automatically have to toss it. It looks and smells like perfectly good bread.

It’s a loaf of bread bought from the store with a pre-toasted piece in it, dude. Creepy. I don’t want to eat the toast or any piece in the creepy package. The other pieces are creepy by association so they’re going too. Sorry. It’s four bucks, it’s fine.

It’s just that it’s perfectly good bread falling victim to some irrational fears.

I just don’t think we need to worry about the other pieces in the loaf.

Fine, toss it. It’s not a big deal. Yeah, I get it. It is a little weird.

It’s extremely weird. We don’t want that vibe in the house, in the fridge with the other stuff. We’ll have one sauteed brussel sprout in the package tomorrow.

How do you think it…do you think they toast a bunch of pieces and just hand place them amongst the other pieces in a loaf?

I don’t know. It’s weird. I don’t even wanna, analyze it frankly.

I just like that someone at Arnold’s was like Hey, most people toast the bread so why not give them the toast to begin with?

Why would they do one creepy piece and not a whole loaf?

Doing the whole loaf seems time consuming.

Ok, so the idea is to just give people the toast they intend on making but only one piece of it. We each have a piece every morning, so this loaf is geared toward single breakfast eaters then?

Sure.

Then I’ll buy the secret toasted loaf for couples next week.

How will you know two pieces are toasted in the loaf instead of one?

You can kinda see the level of toasting on bread from the outside of the package. You could eye it.

Yeah, I’ll eye it. Good idea.

Why are you laughing, dude?

Eh, it’s just funny. We got a bread loaf with toast in it.

One piece. So creepy.

It’s funny.

Creepy. They’re not the same.

Sometimes they are.

Not when it involves things you’re putting in your body or bringing into your home.

Poor rest of the loaf.

We’ll get another loaf.

What could’ve been for those other untoasted pieces. They really missed out.

I think I’m off bread forever now actually.

What?!

That’s enough creepy of a thing for me to happen to do that.

What happens if that sprout thing happens tomorrow?

Then I’m off brussell sprouts too.

You’re gonna starve if our fridge is haunted.

Then I starve.

Damn, I was really looking forward to some toast.

Arnold’s gets it. They get my struggle.

Stop.

How angry would you be if you found out I pulled out a piece of bread, toasted it and snuck it back in the loaf?

Did you?

Maybe.

So you did.

Thought it’d be funny.

C’mon.

It’s not funny. It’s just weird. It creeped me out. You equate creepy with funny too often.

How creepy can bread be?

It’s not the bread..it’s the fact that the loaf was messed with, I thought it was messed in the factory or the store and that’s weird to think someone was at that level doing a prank. I’d have thrown out the loaf just because someone’s hands were on it. I didn’t even care about thinking shit was haunted.

Can we salvage the loaf?

No, the loaf is done. Joke done. Loaf over. We move on. No toast today, sorry.

Well this blew up in my damn face, didn’t it.

……

Finally, you laugh.

It’s funny.

One clap, two clap, three clap, forty?

By clapping more or less, you can signal to us which stories really stand out.