The Victoria Secrety Fashion Show

Ladies, it is the event of the year we all wait for. Every twenty-something will agree that the Victoria Secret Fashion Show is the perfect mix of admiration, envy, motivation, & utter self-loathing.

While the Angels are galavanting around London & hitting the catwalk in preparation for tonight’s show, American girls everywhere are doing a prep of their own. The really hardcore girls haven’t eaten for the last 24-hours, but are thankfully staying hydrated, even thought it’s just an attempt to fend off water weight. & the rest of us have been eating celery … which is essentially water … so I guess you can say we’re pretty hardcore too. & it’s certainly safe to say all of us have been hitting the gym for at least the last week—which is certainly a habit will keep up … for another week.

I decided to kick the night off with the pre-show where the models shared a few tips—I did this in rebellion by stuffing my face with a pint of Coffee Toffee Bar Crunch (because they don’t make Heathbar anymore—so sad). One major tip that pop Queen Taylor Swift offered was “don’t be pigeon-toed.” After doing a quick Google search, I have realized that I am in fact “pigeon-toed.” Not only that, but I also have knock knees—so forget all dreams of a thigh gap unless I want to be emaciated. Thanks to Google my future as a Victoria Secret Angel had been shattered in a matter of minutes. Nevermind the fact that I don’t have the skyscraper skinny legs or that perfect, shapely bottom, or even that flat, toned stomach—my pigeon-toed walk has done me in. I’ll just go ahead & cry now & get used to this ugly, mundane life.

Just in case you didn’t feel bad enough as a twenty-something, let’s talk about the fact that a very large number of these girls are only 18. Yes, that’s right, you might as well go-ahead & sign up for AARP because that’s about the only thing you’re eligible for in the modeling industry. So not only are we old & struggling, we’re watching girls younger than us strutting their perfect long legs down a cat-walk with one of the biggest modeling contracts in the world getting paid a boatload of cash … & they haven’t even gone to college. While we were skipping class (for mental health reasons of course), soaking up alcohol with late-night pizza (purely for medical purposes), & assuming mountains of debt to be able to get a job after college, these girls were walking the runways of Armani & Versace, & posing in print ads for Dolce & Gabana making bank. Are you crying yet, because you should be. Maybe I should have bought that second Ben & Jerry’s …

Despite the torture we inflict on ourselves, it’s hard to deny that the Victoria Secret Fashion Show is a spectacular event full of cute outfits, underwear that I will absolutely buy but don’t need, & only the best in live entertainment … all hail Queen Taylor. Just a side note, did anyone catch that dis when they introduced the show? “Join Taylor Swift & the most beautiful women in the world”—ok 1. Taylor is gorg, & 2. thank you for insinuating that I am not one of the most beautiful women in the world. Seriously, are you trying to cause me extreme psychological damage? Aside from VS not including TSwizzy among the elite models, she still managed to strut her stuff down the runway & even showed off some of those “sexy” dance moves … actually maybe we could have done without the awkard dancing—sorry Tay.

While we’re talking talent, Ed Sheeran killed it during his performance & somehow managed to supress his manhood with dozens of beautiful, semi-naked women prancing by him. Seriously bro, it’s not like you date models on the reg like Adam Levine … did you like tape it to your briefs? Sorry just “thinking out loud!” Either way, stellar job holding it down (no pun intended) & producing a great performance. Sadly, the same can’t be said for Ariana Grande. Poor thing, you could hardly see her since she only came up to the models legs, but there is not a soul alive who didn’t witness her getting hit by one of the “wings.” VS was tactful & didn’t include this moment in their edits, but talk about going out with a “bang bang!”

Overall, I don’t think this year’s performance outshined those from 2012 or 2013, but I have to say I’m very compelled to go buy the looks from the “Angel Ball” collection. I’m all about anything black & lacey—so I’ll be sure to get my fix once the line hits stores. I was also very happy to see Adrianna Lima don one of the fantasy bras—she’s incredibly beautiful & does an amazing job of genuinely having fun with the crowd & the atmosphere—the honor was very well deserved.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m going to hit the treadmill & stock up on water-based vegetables for the coming months in preparation for next year’s casting—c’mon who doesn’t want to wear those wings!? JK, I’m totally stocking up on frozen pizzas & ice cream, let’s be serious. Plus, if you put aside all the fame & money & beauty & travel miles to exotic destinations & celeb best friends & all the free underwear you could possible want, we’re probably a lot happier than those girls are …

- N