Ear Rape Culture

A plea for sensitivity (!)

I’d take one weekend of predictable Blue Angels flyovers over loud motorcycles in our cities any day. Every October, San Francisco erupts over our love or hate of this annual air show. Let’s set aside the liberal dismissal of this tradition as yet another display of our country’s militarism and destructiveness. I happen to like the Blue Angels in the same way that I like ice-cream or appreciate a good-looking man — that is, in a sensory or aesthetic sense that is beyond your political reproach. But I also dislike noise pollution, so I fully empathize with the haters who object to the fighter jets setting off their puppies or their car alarms. I’m grateful that you put up with these fast sexy flying motherfuckers.

Why don’t we hate on motorcycles with modified exhaust systems instead? They are an assault on silence, so essential to mental health. Law enforcement does not seem to care about this rape on our eardrums that disrupts sleep, work, play, meditation, conversation. Grown men are startling pussies with their vehicles. In 2016, that is not acceptable.

I do not understand the mentality of anyone needing to rev their engine for 15 minutes straight while idling. It’s particularly not okay if you do this right outside my building. If you’re a motorcycle guy, and you happen to read this, I implore you to think about the women in your life. They need you to preserve the silence. It could be your baby daughter sleeping, your wife trying to rest after a long day of chores, your sister convalescing after a round of chemotherapy, your mother in a hospice. Real men use mufflers like they use condoms. Your unmodified motorcycle is good enough, your penis is big enough. Please make America quiet again.

By the way, keep it down in the countryside too. Loud motorcycles are known to disrupt wildlife reproduction and predation behavior.