Beyond Blind
8th August, 2023
Turmoil
I lay flat and it didn’t matter. She wasn’t there because we need a new suffix — ‘she’ doesn’t suffice — or sometimes it feels like it does, but not for an object of lust so strong her presence manifests through bedsheets and pillowcases pressing up against my skin. Through the bedlinen, the surfacing of desire and desire for something like that — which debases and makes me desparate. Nothingness, it hides itself from me — and her, she hides herself from me for insecurity. The promise is always greater than the fulfilment, than the fix. Because she knows this, she keeps herself where I love things most, in my mind. After all, she is who I wrote songs for, in all honesty, the fantastic vision greater than anything real or tangible, and now it will derail everything and destroy everything concrete. This is what inevitably happens — but this is my chance to stop it, and to be.
Why must you fetishise life? Is this how I was meant to learn — ahh. Okay. Your lessons present to me this way. Alright I’ll take it this way. But how to get that touch off me… Love goes through its own oscillations like anything else you have here. First circumstance drives us apart, and I cannot be with her all the time, and then sometimes the external world corrupts it, when circumstance separates us and strips us of our joy and libido — this is what it is like then. I want to still understand, and understand it all. Understand my own processes and understand the undulation of love. In moments I feel undying love for her. In others I feel strange and like its there but the momentary self has fallen out of it, but this is because of circumstance and she’d clarify; the word ‘she’ doesn't carry pinkish sweet joys, doesn't resonate like gin swirling around in my mind, but what would in this state? solitude?
II
Love returns
As a reward for the lesson? I feel a revival of love again, soft kind of love which I choose to reside in, not the fetishisation of life or the desire — I feel something let go of me… really? Watch the undulation come forth back and forth again and watch me turn off my mind and just filter it all through these keys, watch me sit in bed in my mind, in my memory palace, with the gardens and lakes and various water features crystal clear and still, watch me wait in bed even while your talking to me, watch me wait in bed even while I’m thinking, watch me wait in bed for her to join me.
III
In Bed
Watch me wait in bed while you speak, while I roam, while you request my availability; watch me wait in bed while you talk of the beautiful sunrise; watch me wait in bed as buses splash rain on passers by — it happens in the same world; watch me wait in bed while you step in paint; watch me wait in bed — watch me not take part; watch me wait in bed while they line up; watch me wait and watch order turn to entropy and fray at the ends, like her hair in the rain, angel hair and angel eyes…
Watch me wait in bed as you confiscate everything; watch me wait in bed as you beat me; watch me wait in bed as you flog me; watch me wait in bed as I cough blood into my hand; watch me wait in bed as I lay on some slab; watch me wait in bed during canonical dreams; watch me wait in bed as they hurl words, as the spiralling walkers come into a close and rip my flesh apart; watch me wait in bed as they destroy me out of lust; watch me wait in bed as a comedian waits for the delivery, with “yes, yes, but wait”, like a dancer waiting for the song to end, like the pianist playing the song as fast as he can because speed is the aim, the artfulness strewn in partially throughout the means, and overtly in the end, when they present it to you, when they throw it at you, or pass a soft burlap canvas to you through the prison window — when god descends and talks of rapture and retribution, watch me wait in bed with earplugs because he does this all too often… watch me watch the sine wave and wonder if I can ever transcend!
I’ll be waiting in bed for you.
I’ll be waiting to be lost in black eyes and eyeliner and the deep soul beyond blind angel eyes — I wonder — the stars in heaven watch, God watches, comedians, dancers… softly bite my finger and tell me you wonder… I’ll tell you I know, but wont ruin the surprise. Address all my needs and then dissipate, and with you I’ll fall asleep and attain the highest thing God offers a man: the reward for the lesson and the subtlety purveyed… God’s gift for true souls is true love. God’s truth is true love, God’s lesson is a reward and God’s reward is a lesson…
… Address the dissipation, and watch comedians in black eyeliner beyond blind angel eyes. I’ll tell you “fall asleep God”, and offer a man, the reward for true love, God watches — I wonder — address all my needs… bite my finger… I’m sleeping. It’s a reward for subtlety purveyed.
