Fake Bible 1: God’s Shit Rough Draft
Genesis 1: Create All The Things
Gen1:1 In the beginning, God separated matter from empty space. It was NOT a big bang. There’s no sound in space: George Lucas is a liar.
Gen1:2 Now the earth was without form and void, so if this next part gets confusing, remember this was like sculpting Play-Doh while it was on fire.
Gen1:3 And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. (Pretty much all God’s utilities were voice-activated.)
Gen1:4 God saw that the light was good, but realized it would be better in HD. So he separated it from the darkness.
Gen1:5 God called the light “day,” and the darkness “night,” even though he’d just called the light “light,” thus inventing “synonyms.”
Gen1:6–8 On Day Two, God created sky, a firmament to separate the waters from the waters. So whenever it rains, God’s ceiling is leaking.
Gen1:9 And God said, “Let water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear, at least until the polar ice caps melt.”
Gen1:10 God called the dry ground “land” or possibly “Pangaea.” The gathered waters he called “seas,” “ocean,” “waters” and “Clarence.”
Gen1:11–12 On the next day, God said more stuff, and plants, fungi, prokaryotes and protists happened.
Gen1:13 He could’ve gotten to animals before knocking off that day, but it was Humpday.
Gen1:14 Day 4. Suddenly it hit God: “Why am I knocking Myself out generating all the light of day? I can make THINGS to make light FOR Me.”
Gen1:14–16 So God said “Let there be a sun and moon and stars, which pass regularly enough to set your calendar by. Except leap days.”
Gen1:17–18 God set them into the sky, and God saw that it was good. You would too, if you’d just automated your daily workload.
Gen1:19–20 Day 5. God said, “Let the sea and sky be full of living creatures.” But would the universe obey him THIS time? THE SUSPENSE!
Gen1:21 BAM. All flying and aquatic forms of life materialized at once. Pterodactyls, bald eagles, sharks, Loch Nessie, great leonopteryxes.
Gen1:21 Survival of the fittest began three seconds later, with the air traffic collisions.
Gen1:22 God told them, “Be fruitful and increase in number until you choke the seas and blot out the sun. You heard Me. Get fucking.”
Gen1:23 That was Friday. But you know how you’ll work through a Saturday if you really get a project in your teeth?
Gen1:24–25 So, Saturday, God was like, “Okay, now LAND animals.” Ba-boom, triceratopses, Neanderthals, ferrets, Golden Labradoodles.
Gen1:26 Then God said “Let’s delegate a little more. How about a ruler of these animals who’s just like Me, only not as awesome?”
Gen1:27 God created man and woman in “his own image” — meaning their souls could grasp the divine, not that they weren’t goofy-looking.
Gen 1:28 God said, “You two rule. Literally. Don’t let T-Rex scare you, you’re in charge of Earth. You and your kids, that is. Get fucking.”
Gen1:29 “For food, you can eat ANY seed-bearing plant on the whole freaking planet. NO EXCEPTIONS! But go easy on the opium and poison oak.”
Gen1:30 “Land and flying animals, I give you every green plant for food. Lions, tigers, sparrow hawks, you’re all plant-eaters! Bon appetit.”
Gen1:30–31 “Fish, you can eat… each other, whatever. I’m wiped anyway.” And that was the end of Day 6.
Genesis 2: The Hottest Rib Ever
Gen2:1 So the universe was complete. God looked around and said, “I really peaked with the Light thing, didn’t I?”
Gen2:2–3 And on Sunday, God chillaxed. And he said, “Okay, Sunday is now CASUAL Sunday. Everybody unclench on that day, or else.”
Gen2:4 And now for something completely different: a creation story.
Gen2:5 So it was Day 6, but there were no plants yet, although God created them on Day 3. God only created linear time on Saturday evening.
Gen2:6–7 There were streams, though, and dust. God made man out of wet dust. That’s why man smells like that.
Gen2:8 Now God planted the Garden of Eden and planted his human in the middle of it so he didn’t die of oxygen deprivation.
Gen2:9 The Garden had what every garden needs: good-looking trees, nourishing fruit trees, a tree of immortality and a tree of knowledge.
Gen2:10–14 Eden was surrounded by four rivers, the Tigris and Euphrates and two you’ve never heard of, at 26°41'N 51°42'E.
Gen2:15 God: “Okay, Adam, you’re now my chief gardener. The hours are good but the Boss is really strict. No smoking. Get farming.”
Gen2:16–17 “For food yadda yadda ANY seed-bearing yadda yadda. Oh, except the tree of knowledge, because it’ll kill you after 930 years.”
Gen2:18 The LORD God said, “Man looks lonely. I’ll make a helper suitable for him… One of these animals, maybe? Or some sort of robot?”
Gen 2:19 God trotted out animal sidekick candidates, whom Adam named in his pre-Tower-of-Babel language. The woolly mammoth was “Treeface.”
Gen 2:20 But Adam couldn’t see any of the beasts as a gardening buddy. I mean, the rhino? And the humping dogs made him weirdly envious.
Gen2:21 Not used to having His ideas criticized, God knocked Adam unconscious and performed a quick rib removal.
Gen2:22 After some gene-splicing, DNA resequencing and chromsome-futzing, God presented Adam with his clone. His… sexy clone. Rule 34.
Gen2:23 Adam called her “woman,” because “WHOA, MAN” is pretty much all you can say when all the blood rushes to your pelvis.
Gen2:24 Then Adam babbled about leaving one’s parents for marriage, despite not knowing what parents were. Divine inspiration, one supposes.
Gen2:25 And they were naked, but not ashamed. Quite the opposite, really, ifyouknowwhatImean (bow-chicka-wow-wow).
Genesis 3: Unsupervised Learning
Gen3:1 Now, a walking snake — sort of a GEICO gecko-type — “cleverly” asked Woman, “Did God really sssay you couldn’t eat anything?”
Gen3:2–3 Unfazed by this blaspheming animal ex machina, Woman said, “We eat from any tree except the conspicuously prominent poisonous one.”
Gen3:4–5 “Nah,” the serpent said, “God lied. That tree’ll give you sssuperintelligence, knowledge of good and evil. Trust me. I know evil.”
Gen3:6 Ignorant of right and wrong by definition, and way too dumb to worry about ticking off an omnipotent Creator, Woman ate.
Gen3:6 She also gave some to Adam, who would’ve eaten a box of rocks in order to keep getting laid. “Wait,” he said after. “We’re NAKED.”
Gen3:7 “AAH! PENIS! TITS!” they shouted, and made themselves clothes from fig leaves. Bareassedness is evil, but only when you know better.
Gen3:8–11 Then they heard God approach even though he’s everywhere, and hid themselves, thereby showing their newfound knowledge. Bad call.
Gen3:12–13 Adam explained it was all Woman’s fault. Woman explained it was all Serpent’s fault. Serpent decided to see how this played out.
Gen3:14 God cursed the serpent to go limbless. (Whatever the worms did to hack God off later must have been epic.)
Gen3:15 God then put enmity between serpent and woman, though after the deceit and the blame game, they already weren’t what you call close.
Gen3:16 “Woman, pushing 7-pound infants through your vagina will now be an actually PAINFUL experience. Also, feminism? Forget it.”
Gen3:17 “Adam, unlike before, you will now have to WORK for your food, possibly in some gardener-type position.”
Gen3:18 “I’ll put thorns on the plants you cultivate, Adam. That’s sort of as bad as the pain of childbirth.”
Gen3:19 “Oh, and like I said, you’re going to die for eating that fruit, both of you. But no rush. Let’s make you wait for it.”
Gen3:20 Adam decided to name his wife “Steve,” or “Eve” for short, in the middle of all this. His other names for her weren’t very nice.
Gen3:21 God clothed Adam and Eve in animal skins, because fig leaves do not have a very high thread count.
Gen3:22–24 Then, God’s flaming-sword-wielding babies banished them from the garden so they didn’t eat from the tree of immortality…
…you know, the non-forbidden tree, which they could’ve eaten from before and become godlike with no consequences. Adam & Eve. Morons.
Genesis 4: Raising Cain
Gen4:1 More fucking. Eve had a son, Cain, and burbled, “With God’s help I have brought forth this fine little man! He’ll make us so proud!”
Gen4:2 Some time later, she had Abel. No word on how exciting it was the second time, after a couple years of childcare. Then C&A grew up.
Gen4:2–4 Cain, the farmer, offered God some fruit. Abel offered God his BEST sheep. God wasn’t hungry, but it’s the thought that counts.
Gen4:5–6 God dissed Cain and his offering, then asked why Cain looked so pissy.
Gen4:7 “This isn’t HARD. Do right, & you’ll be accepted. Do wrong & you’ll be tempted to sin, but you must resist. Ask your mom about that.”
Gen4:8 Cain totally ignored this, led his brother to the field (“I got something to show you”) and gave him the old scythe-to-the-head.
Gen4:9 So God’s like, “Cain, didn’t you used to have a brother?” and Cain’s like “Am I my brother’s keeper?” Sassing God=POOR PLANNING.
Gen4:10 Then God said, “Have you forgotten I have murder-victim’s-blood-hearing? It’s my second coolest power after telekinesis!”
Gen4:11–12 “I disown you, and declare you THE WORST GARDENER EVER. You’ll have to be a hunter-gatherer fugitive vagabond!”
Gen4:13–14 Cain replied, “A black thumb is one thing, but because I invented murder, which is wrong, anyone who finds me will kill me!”
Gen4:15 “Okay,” replied God, “I’ll scar you with a sign that says anyone who kills you will suffer something SEVEN TIMES WORSE THAN DEATH.”
Gen4:16–17 Cain took his banishment surprisingly well. He married a nice-looking Homo habilis and got written by Neil Gaiman.
Gen4:17 Cain also had a child and built a city, both named Enoch. Not bad for a cursed wanderer. Maybe it was a mobile city?
Gen4:18–19 None of Cain’s descendants were really interesting until Lamech the murdering polygamist fame-whore.
Gen4:20–22 Lamech’s kids were Jabal the rancher, Jubal the musician, Tubal-Cain the metalworker, and Naamah the hottie.
Gen4:23 One day, Lamech came home and told his wives, “Hey, I just killed a guy. RIGHT IN THE FACE. He started it.”
Gen4:24 “I’m like Cain PLUS! If anyone kills ME, they get payback *77* times over! I’ll found 24 cities! Apples will wilt WHILE I EAT THEM.”
Gen4:24.5 But for all his bragging, the Bible text then forgot all about Lamech like he was last week’s trending topic.
Gen4:25 Adam and Eve had one more kid, Seth, whom Eve described as “a replacement for Abel.” That probably gave Seth some issues.
Gen4:26 Then people began to call upon the name of the Lord. E.g., Seth said, “GOD, mom!” when Eve called his son “a replacement grandson.”
Genesis 5: The First Part Everybody Skims
Gen5:1–2 And now for the totally fascinating genealogy from Adam to Noah. Just to be clear: GOD CREATED MAN AND WOMAN.
Gen5:3–8 Adam had Seth at 130, had other sons & daughters, died at 930. Seth had Enosh at 105, had other sons & daughters, died at 912… zzzz…
Gen5:9–24 A lot more of Adam’s descendants lived crazy long. Nobody cares about most of them. Enoch was the baby of the group, dying at 365.
Gen5:25–28 Methuselah lived to 969, setting an unbroken record for not dying. Lamech had the same name as Lamech but was a different guy.
Gen5:29–32 Then came Noah, who had his sons at 500, late in life even by Gen5 standards. He’d round out his household by getting a few pets.
To be continued.