The haunting past
“The darkness of the past blinds you from seeing the light of your present”.
It happens very often with me that I’m doing some work or I’m talking to someone or I’m watching a movie or reading a book, there’s always something that’s going in the back of my head, and it’s like my mind cannot shut up. It seems like all I can think about is what happened with him. The nightmare that he went through and is still going through, is now my own little world. My thoughts, my feelings, my actions are controlled by his nightmare.
He once said,”My past still haunts me”. I did understand it then but it was just a while ago when I really felt it. Can you feel another person’s pain? Can you be scared by another person’s fears? Is it possible to get controlled by another person’s past? I don’t know if it is or not, but it happens with me.
It was the time when I was talking to him about his past and this sudden fear and anxiety built up in me and this was the exact feeling that he could be having when he said that his past haunts him. My mind could only utter one thing to me,”His past haunts you”.
About a year ago, he told me how he feels whenever he hears about her or sees her somewhere or anything about her comes up, he becomes silent. If he’s laughing, his smile fades away. He doesn’t become sad and he doesn’t cry but it is the feeling of fear. The little guy inside him gets scared. And he gets scared even more after realizing that even after trying everything, even her single thought can still manage to kill every bit of him. When he told me this, it was like I was living his pain. And I still don’t know why it happens. Whenever even a single thought of his past comes to mind, my minds start wandering to the place where he stood still on the cold ground, waiting for her and then watching her passing by and then crying to himself because she didn’t even look at him once.The time when he kept on driving on the road to nowhere, in the cold morning, crying to the song which I don’t listen to anymore because it takes me to that place. I could see him standing there waiting for her only to hear that he was not told to wait. I could see him sitting in the class, with his cap on with which he was trying to cover his face so that no one would see him crying. I could see him kneeling down in front of her with his hands folded only to hear that he’s not deserving to be with her. I could see him riding his bike with his broken arm because he had to be there to meet her. I remember his conversation with her. He loved her so much in that moment. I could never see him talking to a girl like that, in such a loving manner, and there he was. He was a different man.
I can still see him with her and I remember it vividly. I remember the colors they were wearing. I remember their poses. I remember what he said when he sent me that photo, that he looked like her servant, which is odd because he is beautiful. I remember the time I saw him after such a long time, though it hasn’t been that long a time, but it seemed as such. He was walking towards her and he was happy. It was like I was watching my worst nightmare, but he was happy and it changed everything. It does, every time.
I can’t possibly feel the pain he suffered but it feels as if I’ve been through them with him. It’s not possible and not even right to say that I can feel it, but it feels like I live there. I see myself standing on that cold hard ground where he’s standing in the cold. I see myself looking at him riding his bike and listening to the song that made him cry. I see myself looking at him kneeling down to her. I see myself sitting behind him in that class where he was crying secretly so that no one could see him, but I see him.
I feel how he must be feeling when all he had to do was make her laugh when in his own head he was crying harder than ever before. I can see myself sitting down on my knees looking at him as he cut himself to bleed his pain. I see myself sitting with him on the roof as he cried harder and harder.
I see myself listening to his stories which he used to tell other people, while he was in the hospital.
I was with him the whole time.
When I look in his eyes, I see my world. They are mesmerizing. He has the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen. I see in his eyes, how after everything he went through, he still have hope in himself. He knows he’s gonna be the greatest. Isn’t he the greatest already? The person who has been dragged down to the lowest point possible, still believes in himself. He’s the kind of person you can never bring down because he has seen the lowest ground and he knows how to pull himself up. He’s the person who is a perfect example of strong.
He always thank me and honestly, I like it, but I never really thought deeply about it. One day, I was just thinking about it and I realized I’m not worth his gratitude. I didn’t do anything. Yes he says I’m the reason for what he is today, but when he says that, I can think only of one thing I heard in a movie that said that the most difficult thing to do in the world is to wipe off the sadness from someone’s heart. I don’t think I have done that one bit, so it’s sad how he believes that I am the reason for what he is today, when the truth is that it’s all because of him.
He still can’t be happy. He does not have a happy heart. And this is something I will never accept because I will try with every ounce of my strength to make him happy. Not the kind of happy when he’s with me or when he sees his mother dancing or when he talks with his friends, but the kind of happy that he used to be. I want him to be happy with himself because he may not realize it but he’s the kind of person we find one in a million. He’s the kind of person the world needs. And he’s not to be compared with anyone, he’s him. No one can describe him better. He’s the greatest little dreamer that the world would ever see.