- is my apple watch under the bed?
I need to see if there’s enough time to stay and cuddle.
- you’re like Amy Schumer hot
Next time we do it I want you to hold a glass of wine.
- you were like really into it
But why do you keep making me watch from the closet?
- do you know Bon Iver?
You’re the best thing to happen to me since I broke up up with my previous band, ended a terrible relationship and got over mononucleosis hepatitis.
- I’m considering an MFA
Master of Female Anatomy, baby!
- your butt looks like an old painting
It glows with a painterly warmth and pulls me in for all eternity.
- you look like a combination of Zooey Deschanel and Katy Perry
Which means I Kissed a New Girl
- you’ve gotten better at that
My back thanks you for not leaving bloody scratch marks.
- what day is it?
Making love to you makes me forget everything.
- do you have a droid charger?
Shooting a live YouTube video drains the battery in no time.
- I’m 19
Which means I have a lot of time left to spend with you.
- I can’t drive you home I’m on shrooms
Vroom, vroom, shrooms. Hee, hee, hee.
- my brother is a vine star
He always comes before the video ends.
- you seemed more like a virgo online
I mean “virgin.”
- those are oak trees
Just tie a yellow ribbon round one of ’em and I’ll know you want me back again.
- cigarettes are cartoonish
Would you rather I call you Patty or Selma?
- oh I’ve been in jail
I couldn’t even pass Go or collect $200. I was in for six turns.
- are you still doing improv?
I’m just wondering because the whole time I was making love to you, you were working on your stand-up routine — out loud.
- want to come to my karate class?
You could teach my sensei a few moves.
- I have a boat
We can sail ‘round the world and go port to port, every time I cum I’ll produce a quart.
- see you around
Restraining order or not, I’ll be watching you.
- do I look like hozier?
Despite sounding like Gilbert Gottfried.
- let’s go to the whole foods
Making love to you puts me in the mood for over-priced and frivolous bottled asparagus water.
- boobs are cool
Let me pay for the upgrades.
- have you seen master of none?
Whoops! That came out wrong.
- was that so bad?
Next time you can choose the ice cream flavor.