Things Dudes Have Said to Me After Sex
Catherine Cohen

Extended version:

  • is my apple watch under the bed?

I need to see if there’s enough time to stay and cuddle.

  • you’re like Amy Schumer hot

Next time we do it I want you to hold a glass of wine.

  • you were like really into it

But why do you keep making me watch from the closet?

  • do you know Bon Iver?

You’re the best thing to happen to me since I broke up up with my previous band, ended a terrible relationship and got over mononucleosis hepatitis.

  • I’m considering an MFA

Master of Female Anatomy, baby!

  • your butt looks like an old painting

It glows with a painterly warmth and pulls me in for all eternity.

  • you look like a combination of Zooey Deschanel and Katy Perry

Which means I Kissed a New Girl

  • you’ve gotten better at that

My back thanks you for not leaving bloody scratch marks.

  • what day is it?

Making love to you makes me forget everything.

  • do you have a droid charger?

Shooting a live YouTube video drains the battery in no time.

  • I’m 19

Which means I have a lot of time left to spend with you.

  • I can’t drive you home I’m on shrooms

Vroom, vroom, shrooms. Hee, hee, hee.

  • my brother is a vine star

He always comes before the video ends.

  • you seemed more like a virgo online

I mean “virgin.”

  • those are oak trees

Just tie a yellow ribbon round one of ’em and I’ll know you want me back again.

  • cigarettes are cartoonish

Would you rather I call you Patty or Selma?

  • oh I’ve been in jail

I couldn’t even pass Go or collect $200. I was in for six turns.

  • are you still doing improv?

I’m just wondering because the whole time I was making love to you, you were working on your stand-up routine — out loud.

  • want to come to my karate class?

You could teach my sensei a few moves.

  • I have a boat

We can sail ‘round the world and go port to port, every time I cum I’ll produce a quart.

  • see you around

Restraining order or not, I’ll be watching you.

  • do I look like hozier?

Despite sounding like Gilbert Gottfried.

  • let’s go to the whole foods

Making love to you puts me in the mood for over-priced and frivolous bottled asparagus water.

  • boobs are cool

Let me pay for the upgrades.

  • have you seen master of none?

Whoops! That came out wrong.

  • was that so bad?

Next time you can choose the ice cream flavor.

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