The Real Devil’s Dictionary of Cyber
My Apologies to Ambrose Bierce
“Beast Mode”: Nickname given the U.S. Chamber of Commerce describing how it interacts with public servants who actually seek to serve the public.
“Snowdenophilia”: Love of concocted narratives and self-aggrandizement. SEE: New York Times’ atonement for Judy Miller/Scooter Libby “embedded reporting.” SYNONYM: “Death By Cool Kids.”
“Game-Changer”: The game being money. And that never changes. Our nation’s cyber security is, in large measure, a marketplace. In Vendors We Trust: we have vendor-centric security vs. security-centric security. And what’s most irritating is when .gov/.mil folks buy into that notion, willfully ignoring or denying government’s rightful role in the provision of our “common defense”
“Dedicated Denial of Public Service”: Pronounced, “Dopes.” Government’s hat-in-hand, coat-carrying relationship to the private sector. For contrast purposes, see Churchill’s “Danube Basin” speech, circa March 24, 1938: http://www.winstonchurchill.org/learn/speeches/speeches-of-winston-churchill/112-the-danube-basin
“Leekly”: From the recent press release: “In response to global demand for easier, timelier access to (nocturnal and diurnal) releases from former NSA contractor Edward Snowden, Dispersky Labs, a Moscow-based developer of mobile apps and intelligence-gathering services, in collaboration with WarmTrickle, Inc., a new venture co-founded by Edward Snowden and Russian President Vladimir Putin, today announced the availability of “Leekly,” the first mobile app that matches your detailed profile preferences to specific keywords from the estimated 1.7 million files in the recently rebranded “Snowden Cloud Expositorium.”
“Silicon Peeks”: The privacy challenges that have long been part of Silicon Valley. (Remember, to quote just about everybody, in social media YOU are the product.) Could also be the name of stealthy implants into hardware.
“Voluntary Compliance”: What DHS gently requests, rather than (ashamedly) crying, “Uncle!” A source of great mirth and comfort among titans of industry. Oxymoron.
“STUCKNET”: America’s cyber paralysis… drift and dereliction.
“STUXNET”: Like predator drones… another product of the “clean fingernails” division of warfare. When one has zero intelligence assets on the ground and is thoroughly overextended by two large wars (and many “tiny wars”)—and is facing a real threat (not a concocted one) to regional and global security—turn to Technology. Expect the favor to be returned. Amend that: it already has.
“Innovation”: Currently trademarked by U.S. Chamber of Commerce and licensed to every Senator and Member of the House who agrees with them. Synonym: Laziness. Used in a sentence: “Unconstrained by any concerns for—or seeming interest in—our nation’s cyber security, it is amazing how much innovation the private sector is capable of.”
“Security Automation”: How government IT acquisition ensures that the same names keep winning big chunks of business.
“The Surveillance State”: Utah. Slogan: “We Can See Everything from Here.”
“Our Nation’s Cyber Security”: A booming industry. Think: potato chips or craft beers. Or pornography. Government is only peripherally involved (as a consumer) and, more often than not, viewed as a slight impediment.
“Cloud Computing”: A massive redistribution (more aptly: concentration) of stealth. Espionage for Dummies.
“Sequestrian”: One who jauntily rode out the sequestration… on the back of a high-dollar, multi-year program… that is premised on a broken technical paradigm.
“Public Good”: A term taken from economics. Wikipedia: “…a public good is a good that is both non-excludable and non-rivalrous in that individuals cannot be effectively excluded from use and where use by one individual does not reduce availability to others.[1] Examples of public goods include fresh air, knowledge, lighthouses, national defense, flood control systems and street lighting.” (Talk about a list of losers!) A years-old, puck-like piece of biscuit rattling around underneath the seats of a downtown bus. Used to be confused by Americans (circa 1950s) with “the public good.” We don’t do that anymore.
“Social Contract”: Somewhat akin to a mob hit. An arrangement whereby one prosperous, tight-knit class or group takes dead aim at the societal foundations and predicates that were or are fundamental to their success. “I’m making small-batch, gourmet dog food from the horse that brung me.”
“Privectomy”: Fully private, anasthetized removal of suspicious privacy-related tumors. “You won’t feel a thing.” SEE: Facebook.
“Operation Random Pall”: Just one of several names currently under consideration for future espionage and information operations-related initiatives. Others include: “Unmoored Giant” (focusing on political Islamists,) “Morphic Rationale” (a covert history of the second Iraq War now being updated in light of current events,) “Atlas Bugged” (targeting Libertarians,) “Reliable Fear” (an anthropological review of modern American culture,) “Double Bugger” (focusing on reliable intelligence sources,) “Big Daddy” (government’s use of Big Data to test little theories… just like “Big Daddy” did in this memorable scene from Cat on a Hot Tin Roof: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ncFrg9afa8) and “Atticus Flinch,” (program targeting well-meaning southern lawyers.)
“Federal IT Acquisition Reform”: Semi-permanent source of consultant and “business process re-contextualization” revenues.
“Government-Industry Collaboration”: Unlike the unicorn, this particular fiction has no appeal to 13-year-old girls. Unlike Ayn Rand, this particular fiction has no appeal to 13-year-old boys.
“Market-driven”: The memorable final scene from the movie, “Thelma and Louise.”
“Flexibility”: When self-respecting people demonstrate contortionist-like talents in their attempts to appease the regulation-phobic private sector.
“Free Markets”: An extremely expensive (downright costly) idea. A magical incantation invoked when you realize you’re on the wrong side of the argument.
“Regulation”: A word banned in several states unless used in the context of abortion. Something that is disgusting, reprehensible, unnecessary and an affront to all liberty-loving people. (Could also be a baby-killer or cancer-causer.)
“Risk Management”: A proven approach to enterprise cyber defense that offloads all hazards and many costs onto the public domain, i.e. the Inner-Neck. SEE: Bank behaviors in the runup to the subprime mortgage meltdown.
“Defensible Architecture”: Architecture that giant vendors use to defend future billings.
“Standards”: How market challengers attempt to level the playing field. How market giants attempt to level market challengers. Synonym: bloodsport.
“HBSS”: Generic name for proprietary product. Has “BS” as its middle name. Synonym: Monopoly.
“Fully Homomorphic Encryption”: “… Allows untrusted parties to take encrypted data… and any efficiently computable function f, and compute an encryption of f… without knowing or learning the decryption key or the raw data.” http://eprint.iacr.org/2013/250 Example: Counting deck chairs (which may or may not really be deck chairs) on the Titanic (which may or may or may not be the Titanic.) In practice: pretty much describes the relationship of Congress to America’s Intelligence Community… except for the part about doing math.
“Logic Bomb”: Internally consistent arguments, programs, or ideas that are, in fact, f-ing crazy.
“Cyber Framework”: Feel-good, make-nice, fall-back-fall-way-back plan when the prospect of any, even-common-sense regulation has been beaten out of you. Flexible, multi-year initiative to avoid actually offending anybody. Omelette with no eggs broken.
“ADHSD”: (Suggested by my professionally skeptical, exceptionally smart cyber friend, Mr. Parks) Government cabinet department that moves from one cyber-security idea to another without ever completing any one project.
“Scientifictechnological elite”: The other little item that President Eisenhower mentioned on his way out the door. He also said this, “Our people expect their President and the Congress to find essential agreement on issues of great moment, the wise resolution of which will better shape the future of the Nation.” What a goofball! (SOURCE): http://coursesa.matrix.msu.edu/~hst306/documents/indust.html
“Nostrilflarianism”: A sect of speechifiers and curiously well-heeled rabble-rousers. “And the worst are full of passionate intensity.” SEE: “Cruz Missives.”
“Defense Industrial Base”: Not to be confused with a “trusted computing base.” A gigantic, diverse group of companies that are united by a common ideal: the desire to make as much money as possible.
“Flim-Flamnesia”: Forgetting one’s PowerPoints. “Intraoperability”: The way that proprietary stuff from a vendor (mostly, but not always) works with other proprietary stuff from that same vendor.
“Transparency”: The best ruse of all.
“The Snow Den”: Akin to “The Man Cave.” What do you give the liberty-loving man who (still) has everything? Their very own solipsistic universe in which they can imagine that they are the Greatest Hero of This or Any Age: “I am the measure of all things…” Within The Snow Den, a personalized “gaming environment”,” each “player” finds helpful, life-sized holographic avatars… examples: “The Crusading Journalist,” “The Rogue Documentary Filmmaker.”
“Antifragile”: An almost-unreadable book by Nassim Nicholas Taleb. Taleb, himself, has described it as seven books in one. A term meaning ideas, people, things, that thrive upon volatility as opposed to being fearful of it. The opposite of just about everything that has software and is connected to the Inner-Neck.
“Sino-plasty”: Periodic, mostly cosmetic reassessment of China.
“NSTIC”: Thoroughly enchanting combination of the words, “NIST” and “mystic.”
“Bottomless Stack”: New promotion at IHOP. In security vendor circles, the profitable notion that one can keep feasting off the layers that will, ideally, never be fixed.
“Firmware Root of Trust”: An example of how one can put forth one’s fullest, 75% effort.
“Cryptographic Module Validation Program”: “Last thing I remember, I was Running for the door I had to find the passage back To the place I was before “Relax,” said the night man, “We are programmed to receive. You can checkout any time you like, But you can never leave! “
“Experts”: Those who have mastered status-quo risk and security constructs. Used in a sentence: “As of September 10, 2011, there were very few experts in Al Quaida and they were ignored. However there were lots of well-compensated experts in everything else that became largely irrelevant on September 11, 2011.” Hint: Status quo mastery is a career move. Adversaries thrive because of those blinkered by their careers or bureaucratic processes.
“Small Security”: Legions of non-expert, self-funded “garage-band stochastics junkies” whom no one pays attention to… even their immediate family members. Tinkers. Authentic, quirky innovators. Translation: the wellspring of American genius. Largely extinguished, disheartened or corrupted. s
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