Self love — here’s how you find her.

Hi! i’m happy you are here. let’s talk about confidence + self love.

I want to preface by saying this is my story, my experience, and my take! (it might resonate with you, or it might not!)

Firstly, I have struggled with self confidence the majority of my life — starting at a very young age up until around the beginning of 2023. I can vividly remember the first time I felt insecure: the defining moment being when my bestfriend (hi anya) and I were doing a fashion show in our swimsuits around my house in elementary school. We were probably around seven years old at the time and my little brother (probably 4 or 5) asked me what “that” was and motioned to my stomach. At this moment, my body dysmorphia was born.

Let’s first acknowledge, he did not have mal intent and likely doesn’t even remember this moment — many people speak on other peoples bodies all of the time (especially children) and do not give it a second thought. Many simply do not know better. Now you do.

Allow me to take a moment to highlight how important it is for you to stop speaking about someone’s body (negative or positive) and teach your children the same. If you feel the need to do that, consider why you might feel so inclined to discuss SOMEONE ELSES body??? (mad weird but I digress)

Secondly, women (all of us) have a patch of fat above our uterus in our lower stomach to protect our reproductive organs (all of us do) — some more prominent than others. If you’ve ever felt insecure about this, allow me to normalize it, and HYPE YOU UP! How amazing is it that our bodies have built in protectors like this?

That being said, baby Soph was not there in her understanding (yet), and this comment led to years being riddled with insecurity around my stomach.

As a kid, I would always sneak treats because it was my way of being in control. I was out of control in many ways throughout my upbringing, therefore, sneaking food gave me a sense of power and autonomy. I was choosing those foods, and I had a sense of power in having them when I was told they were “unhealthy” and “bad” (of course, I did not understand this at the time).

I was reprimanded for this, and certain foods quickly became villainized in my household and in my mind.

The sweets addiction worsened as I battled anxiety and coupled with a stagnant lifestye, I ultimately gained weight in my highschool years. During my sophomore year of highschool I had a disstrack (yes, a disstrack) written about me that tore apart my appearance, my weight, and my character. On a separate occasion, I accidentally came across messages (from a friend) calling me a whale. I wish I could show you photos from this time because I was FAR from overweight, but it didnt matter, I was destroyed by this. These, and many other instances, absolutely destroyed any confidence I had.

As a kid I did not do sports — just no interest. But in highschool I found the corner of the internet categorized into “FAST weight loss”, “abs in two weeks, “how to..” — you get the picture. I was trying every diet, watching every video.

Nothing stuck, I knew I wouldn’t stick to it and I did not.

In 2020 I found cyclebar and this was my first introduction to routine fitness and movement. Although, this was not a healthy alternative either.

I was doing two 45 minute spin classes a day and if I had to miss a day I was CERTAIN I would gain weight. I made sure the college I would attend was in driving distance of a studio.

Later that year I began college during covid and developed a binge eating disorder. I downloaded “my fitness pal” (fuck that app), I would spin twice a day, and at night I would eat copious junkfood from the vending machine. I’d finish a pint of ice cream in a sitting and feel so disgusted with myself I’d and starve myself the following day — which, of course, only repeated that cycle day in and day out.

Early into 2022 I was not binging anymore, but I was hardly eating and I was losing weight. I was exhausted all of the time — but hey, at least I was skinnier.

It was one night in the Redstar bathroom that I was standing beside my good friend michaela in the mirror. My hair was in a ponytail and all around my face was hair breakage that looked like I had been electrocuted. I made a joke and she said it might be a lack of nutrition. Yeah, it was, I was starving myself and working out an ungodly amount.

This moment changed the direction of my life — I realized just how sick I was. I was abusing myself worse than anyone could have.

This continued well into the summer of 2022 when I realized how bad my anxiety was. Anxiety about the state of the world, my major, my inability to care for myself, my dad and his close call with death from the same fate.

I suffered a complete mental breakdown and moved home. Upon my move

I lost 30 pounds and continued to suffer from severe anxiety and depression.

I couldn’t eat or sleep. I wasn’t working out anymore. I was barely getting through the days. I wasn’t even concerned with my weight anymore — I was just hurting really badly.

During this time I was complimented on my appearance more than any other time in my life — how interesting that at my absolute lowest, while losing hair and breaking nails, I was the most “attractive”. fuck that.

Long story short, In november of 2022, I started anxiety medication (heyyy lexapro) and this saved me. The medication helps, yes, but more than anything it allowed me to level myself and see the calm after the storm. I could start to actually see and identify the areas that caused me such distress.

I needed to change my major, I needed to evaluate what I was watching and who I was taking advice from. I needed to heal.

I needed to heal many areas but the most important one being my self concept.

Obviously this isn’t a “okay i’m healed” situation, its continuous work. It’s working day in and day out to be aware of what I am consuming from the media, what foods i’m putting into my body, what I am saying to myself in my head, etc. It is WERK. and it is worth every single second of effort.

rebuilding my self concept has changed my entire life.

Let’s get into that — that’s probably the reason you are still reading if you made it this far :)

Firstly, you can’t change ANYTHING out of hatred. You simply can’t. If you are exercising, changing your diet, or seeking changes to your health for any reason outside of mental and physical wellbeing you are not doing it for the right reason. Every change you make MUST be in service of your highest good and out of immense love and grace. You need to be changing things IN HONOR of yourself and your wellbeing.

Secondly, at my smallest weight, I always wanted to be smaller.

You can’t win so stop playing the game. Whoever dictates the beauty standard does it for one reason: profit.

People profit off of your insecurity, and it only works if you let it. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder — not the media, not the models, not the diets, not the weightloss. A sunset and a flower are both beautiful and they look nothing alike. More than anything, your appearance is the least interesting thing about you and if the people in your life make you feel any other way — find new people.

When you compliment someone — compliment their charisma, their kindness, their intelligence — cause guess what, beauty fades. Who you are to others and the mark you leave on their life does not.

When you feel the need to change something — get very clear why you want to change it. I promise you — if it is something you value and cherish — it will be successfully implemented in your life. It is much easier to stick with things that matter to you.

I move my body everyday (always in different forms) because I know I feel best when I take care of my mind in this way — not to lose weight.

I eat clean because I feel my best when I do. I have the most energy, clarity, patience, and focus when I properly fuel my body.

I do things that I value and I add them into ways that work for my life. These decisions must be tailored to your life — nobody else.

Third, I unfollowed virtually *all* influencers. The media you consume is directly correlated to how you feel about yourself and watching + comparing your life is detrimental to your wellbeing. I read a quote that said “social media is investing energy meant for you into everyone else’s life” and I never saw it the same again.

I love using social media — with intention. I love using it to. interact with people I love and see their lives. I love to share things like this that might resonate with one singular person — Im not talking about that, im talking about the “what I eat in a day” the “GRWM”, the alix earle’s of sociak media — all that. Think about what you consume and if you are benefitting. Is your cup full when you log off? Are you feeling inspired creatively? Be intentional :)

That content makes people (women specifically) think they need to do more, buy more, be more. It makes us feel immense pressure to to be prettier, skinnier, more productive, etc. I’ll say it again, at my smallest weight, I was the most miserable I had ever been in my life and yet I still wanted to be smaller. Additonally, at my smallest, i was not skinny because my body is simply not built to be skinny. STOP TRYING TO GET THERE!

In doing all of that, guess what you aren’t doing — being you. If you are taking your advice, style, diet, and all else from someone else you have completely lost your sense of self. If you have to starve yourself to be smaller, that is not YOU. That is not how your body is meant to look. Be true to who you are supposed to be and own that.

Social media can be wonderful, within limits and with CLEAR boundaries. These are mine and yours are yours! I encourage you to think about them.

In terms of food, a quote I live by is “eat what you want and add what you need” — I like to have my treats, and because I allow myself them, I do not feel a need to binge or restrict. How crazy is it that the answer to all of that distress was one simple rule: let yourself have it. I prioritize veggies and protein and my diet is sustainable because I allow myself to have flexability and prioritize nutrients. I am inspired to continue it because I feel better with nutrients in my diet — thats it. It is sustainable because I enjoy it and it contributes to feeling good.

My bestfriend (hi emmy) once told me the best way to improve your diet is to add in things rather than restrict them. This changed the game for me. Rather than obsessing about taking out xyz you simply add in something — it makes it manageable and sustainable. You DO NOT need to do a crazy 100$ mealplan — I promise. Start small, add protein, add veggies, enjoy treats and find balance.

I’ll remind you again. The diet industry profits off of YOU!

DO. NOT. LET. THEM.

If I could give you one piece of advice it is this: change things out of love, with grace and flexibility. Some days I need to rest and I’ll go on a walk, some days I’m pumped and i’ll do a pilates and a spin class (for fun) and to see my besties. Some days I eat a protein bar for breakfast and other days I’ll have a sushi spread (sorry not sorry, I love sushi). I make sure I fuel my body in one way or another and give myself the trust and care to know what I can manage that day. Every single day is different.

You must be flexible because schedules change, routines change, bodies CHANGE, and if you can give yourself the gift of unwavering love and support through every season you will be able to adapt to it and make changes that contribute to your HEALTH.

notice how i said health and not weight. At my smallest I was the unhealthiest, shell version of myself I had ever been. Small is not healthier. You know if you are taking care of yourself, and if you aren’t, know that you can and you must. You are your home.

Our reality is composed of how we percieve the world. If your mind isnt a safe place to be, you can turn it around.

Be aware of how you speak about yourself — I am so serious about this. Do not degrade your appearance, do not allow yourself to body check in the mornings or take photos of it. Do not joke about yourself. Your words matter and then deeply impact your subconcious. Every single time you look in the mirror you need to be saying kind things. You are the only person you will have for the rest of your life, you better make that wonderful little head a safe place to be.

You are your home — love yourself as such. Make decisions in honor of that.

I love you,