The Night it Happened
Molly S. Hill

You lied and said nothing happened, that seems to be the major problem. You’re more worried about the social implications for you than the implications of what someone else did. The main theme was how dare they believe I was/wasn’t raped when they were previously told the opposite. It’s a repeated pattern of “I won’t stand up for or safeguard myself yet I’ll use whatever happens as a social bludgeon from this day forward”.

If your silence and not standing up for yourself at the time was some sort of “noble sacrifice”, own it, it was your decision. Writing this was definitely a step towards leaving a histrionic existence, a good thing, but read what you wrote.

X started happening, choices:

A. allow or join

B. do what is in my power to stop

C. nothing but maybe put up some token resistance

By choosing C most of the time you give away your own agency and treat yourself as an object to be acted upon. X, y, z happened, I felt this way, but my actions were completely inconsistent, all over the board and did nothing but muddy the waters. From the college description it sounded like you didn’t even flinch. “Obeying orders under protest” is something that goes in military or police reports where there is an authoritative chain of command, once you turned 18 you had full authority over yourself in terms of relationships, you chose to follow.

Boyfriend pushing head down, “Stop or we’re over”, you chose the relationship as more important. “Stop touching me or get out” or even a traffic permitting brake check to bounce him off the dash, you chose to tolerate that behavior. If your argument is over your self image at the time, that’s also a choice to follow what you emotionally want at the time verses recognizing that those type of emotions are going to negatively affect decision making and guarding yourself more. If things are not okay, why did you entertain and/or participate?

As I don’t know the details of your life or whether this was de-edged or edge added I’ll leave this here

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