Biden Makes Good On Promise, Names Shrugging Lady Emoji As Running Mate
After announcing during last Sunday’s Democratic debate that he would commit to selecting a woman to be his running mate, former Vice President and presidential candidate Joe Biden has made good on his promise and revealed his pick for VP: the Shrugging Lady Emoji.
“After much deliberation, Joe has decided that nobody quite captures the spirit of his campaign like Shrugging Lady Emoji,” said campaign manager Jen O’Malley Dillon at this morning’s press conference. “The very face of defeatist compromise cloaked in lighthearted sensibility deserves a special place in this presidency.”
The Biden camp is hoping their pick for VP will punctuate their campaign the same way she famously punctuates paragraph-long, regurgitative arguments for centrist policy made by folks whose political identity relies entirely upon condescending young people. Many voters agree that she fits the bill: 74% of constituents in a recent poll claimed that they had seen her at the end of a thread blaming Bernie supporters for Trump’s inevitable re-election. The same poll suggests that the most frequent users of Shrugging Lady Emoji believe Beyoncé and Megan Rapinoe should run for public office because they’re “fierce”. When asked about policy that aims to protect women’s rights, over half the participants in the poll refrained from answering, claiming they “were feeling very attacked right now.”
The former VP addressed his voters in a tweet late this morning regarding his selection: “The time has come for women to get a seat at the table, in mostly symbolic positions of power and nowhere else. That’s why I have asked Shrugging Lady Emoji to join on as my VP. Women’s Suffrage = Eliminated. #biden2020 #notusme”
As we have been reminded by people who shamelessly took pictures of themselves wearing Amy Klobuchar t-shirts, the road to victory for Bernie Sanders has been all but closed by the recent lead in delegates, earned fairly and without any voter suppression, in the recent primaries by Biden. The likelihood of a Biden-Trump fight for the White House is higher than ever, and we now have a clearer picture of the team that will try to defeat what many Democrats consider the most dangerous presidency in modern history.
“This man’s tweets are a greater threat to society than Truman’s use of the atomic bomb, Nixon’s drug policy, Reagan’s economic policy, and the Iraq War combined,” proclaimed CNN contributor and honky-tonk warlock James Carville. “What this nation needs is a swift return to respectful and polite oligarchy. The only way we defeat this president is with vague promises of watered-down, ineffective policy. Biden and Shrugging Lady will deliver on that.”
Shrugging Lady Emoji’s PR rep has said that she will join Biden on the campaign trail as soon as she is assured that everyone will be nice to her.
