President Trump Disrupts Coronavirus Meeting With Blown-Up Glove Puppet
Washington, D.C. — A team of doctors, lobbyists, and a handful of congressional representatives met with President Trump earlier today to discuss the nation’s plan in continuing to address the spread of coronavirus. They were hoping to create a detailed timeline of the projection of the virus and how Americans could best equip themselves to be safe, but their plan was thwarted by the President, who continually interrupted the meeting to tell everyone about the puppet he had just made with a blown up rubber glove.
The trouble began five minutes into a presentation on social distancing by a CDC executive, during which, rubber gloves were given to everyone in the room. The executive was barely into explaining the proper way to way to handle cash before the sound of Trump blowing into one of the gloves through his lips brought the meeting to a halt. He then drew a smiley face on the front of the inflated glove and proceeded to marvel at it. “Everyone look at what I’ve done here,” he remarked, “it’s just incredible what I’ve done with this glove.”
Susan Kuykendall, a professor in epidemiology from the University of Kentucky, attempted to press forward, suggesting that the US nationally mandate some of the measures undertaken by states like Maryland and New York. But the President continued to drawing attention to himself and the glove.
“See, I drew a face on the front of it, so it looks like a person,” Trump remarked. “The fingers could be his hair, I guess. Kinda feels like a tit. Not a big tit though, a little tit. And not a real tit, either. That’s another thing. Still, big friendly smile, he seems like a good guy. I’m gonna call him ‘Titty’.”
From that point forward, the meeting made virtually no progress as the President and his new rubber confidante held court over the meeting. Attendees were not permitted to speak unless given permission by Titty. “Titty thinks you’re full of shit, and I happen to agree with him,” Trump railed at Dr. Anthony Fauci, the nation’s leading expert on pandemics, when he suggested the effects of the virus may last well into the summer. Dr. Fauci was last seen slamming his face into the steering wheel of his car shortly after the meeting adjourned.
Trump tweeted his satisfaction at the outcome of the meeting: “Good Meeting, Big Numbers, New Friend, Bedtime!!!” News broke less than an hour later that Titty had been named the new White House Chief of Staff.