The People You Meet When You Knock on Doors.

Tyler H

(Narrated for the lazy)

https://soundcloud.com/tyler-hyrchuk/the-people-you-meet-when-you-knock-on-doors

Millenials are the generation who are almost guaranteed to have more jobs in their lives than both their parents combined. Case in point, I’ve had about 5 jobs in my last 20 months living abroad. Most recently, I’ve knocked on doors as a lead generator for a solar company. I did that for nearly a month before I decided that it wasn’t for me.

Each day, I’d interact with between 40 and 60 people. The most common thing I heard:

I’m not interested.

No matter what I could say to these people, they didn’t give a shit. They had this preconceived notion that I couldn’t do anything for them except waste their time. A very small selection of the people I spoke to left lasting impressions because they chose to treat me like a person. Here are some of my favourites.

First is the worst.

A woman has just opened her door and she was wearing a head wrap that covered her ears and forehead. Short to medium length hair is poking out from under it. Our conversation went something like this:

ME: Is it cold inside?

CL: (Super aggressive tone) Excuse me?

ME: Oh, your headscarf. I thought it might be cold in your house.

CL: (Super aggressive tone) What’s that supposed to mean?

ME: Nothing really, just thought that you might be wearing it because your head’s cold.

CL: (Super aggressive tone) No, I’m actually wearing it because my hair is growing back because I had cancer.

Naturally, I apologized profusely. That was not a successful house for me.

Second is the best.

A coworker and I sauntered up to a house that had it’s garage door open. Naturally, we looked inside. On the far wall was a collection of bikini model pictures, some exposing every possible square inch of their areolas.
Alright, this was clearly a man cave.

But what really made this garage interesting was the adjacent wall’s picture: Jesus and his disciples eating at the last supper. Clearly, the Lord had performed a miracle on these models and turned their daddy issues into dollar bills.

I joke.

We knock on the front door and out bounds this 84 year old man. We weren’t expecting a 84 year old man. Nor were we expecting his toothless wife.

The two were an absolute pleasure. The highlights of our conversation with this couple were as follows:

- Finding out they had been inseparable since their teen years.

- Her recalling him suggesting she put her hand in his pocket when they were 14. She found out the “hard” way that he had a hole in his pocket.

- The two gifting us with homemade treats and apples

- The grandparents insisting we return later that day for dinner (sadly we had to pass)

Homemade food and seniors telling stories about their early sexual activity?

Win/win.

Third is the one with the penis feet.

Essentially, a house had a large bay window which allowed me to see inside. Standing by the window was a wooden kangaroo statue. The feet of this kangaroo looked like a couple of penises. Naturally, when the door opened, I told the homeowner

“Your kangaroo statue’s feet look like penises.”

He glanced over at it, chuckled to himself and said:

“Dutch people like weird statues”.

He wasn’t particularly interested in solar power.

Apart from the Good, the Bad and the Woody, some of my other exciting interaction were:

- When I fed a horse named Dylan an apple and he spit it up on my shoe
- A customer gifting me a pumpkin that he had grown in his backyard (same day as Dylan)
- An elderly couple’s collection of 8 cavalier King Charles spaniels (the wife had trouble naming all 8)
- A lovely old woman named Emily who gave me one of her homemade cheese scones and let me take a selfie with her
- A second lovely old woman named Elizabeth who was still madly in love with her husband of 50 plus years. She got so excited describing a coat she made that she ran inside and grabbed it so she could give me an impromptu fashion show. She also gave me chocolate

Regardless of the characters that I met on the job, I decided it wasn’t for me. Sure there were some wonderful people, but there were also heaps of dickheads.

But, I’ll never forget the month I was a door knocker.

Tyler H

Written by

Tyler H

Canadian. Writer. Voice Actor. Traveler. Imaginator. Creator. Pelvic Sorcerer.

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