Four Steps to Defining Your Role as a Step-parent
On average, 1300 new stepfamilies are forming every day, which equates to over 50% of US families being remarried or re-coupled. Despite an overwhelming amount of step-relationships in the United States, I often ask myself, “Does anyone get why X is so frustrating?” Moreover, it can be incredibly isolating to have to explain those things to my wife. Insecurity sets in and I start feeling inferior.
When Jon comes by to pick Leah up, that “inferior” feeling can grow exponentially. As a step-parent, it’s so easy to project our feeling of inadequacy onto the biological parents. If we have any hope of making our children’s lives better through our presence, we have to define our own role, not get caught up in the race to be “the better dad.” Comparing ourselves to the biological parents will only lead to frustration.
What does defining your role look like?
Understand the roles the biological parents
No step-family is the same. In fact, there are a wide range of families that fall into that category. Divorced, blended, widowed, and children from a previous partner, to simply name a few. Understanding the dynamics of your role as a spouse is the first step. An in-depth conversation with your spouse about the other biological parent is crucial. It’s virtually impossible to be on the same page with your spouse without a detailed comprehension of both biological parents. Chances are you will find a lot of do’s and don’ts from their life before you were in the picture. This is especially vital if your step-child visits both biological parents.
Understand the needs of your spouse
Rachael had always been a single mom and did a great job raising Leah in that kind of dynamic for the first 3 years of Leah’s life. When we got married, I disrupted that to a degree by failing to ask her what she needed from me as her partner. In order to be effective you must communicate with your spouse and find out what they need. Stepping on your spouse’s toes only leads to dissension between you two. As step-parents, it’s crucial to present a united front to your child(ren). You can enhance your partner’s life by building upon the positive parenting methods they’ve already developed themselves.
Understand the needs of your child(ren)
Identify the unique challenges your child(ren) faces and what you can do to enhance their lives through your presence. If we try to define our role solely based upon what we think they need, we’ll eventually end up selfishly forcing ourselves into someone else’s role. It’s the easiest way to start a “you’re not my real dad” argument.
Consistently re-evaluate.
Visitation rights, child development, marriages, and a vast array of other changes will require you to be on your toes. As a step-parent, you have to be flexible. Without consistent re-evaluation of your role, you’ll end up feeling useless. It’s not easy; take heart and find the spirit of adventure in your ever-changing role.
Sources: US Bureau of Census
