How To Tell Your Son He’s Dave Grohl

Ah, the age old quandary that stifles parents of all stripes: When is the right time to tell your son he’s Dave Grohl? Whether it’s your first born or your thirnt born, it’s a delicate subject that requires sensitivity. After all, informing your son he is the leader of Maxim Magazine’s “World’s Greatest Band” can be total shock to the system. But fear not ‘rents! Here’s a step-by-step guide you can follow to make breaking the news a little bit easier…

Tip #1: Don’t Tell Your Son He’s Dave Grohl — At Least Not Right Away

Let your son believe he is someone else for a while. Indulge him in his whimsical dalliances with indoor soccer, ballroom dancing and Inuit throat singing. He’ll start to find his own identity, believing he’s an “individual with a unique persona and interests.” And that’s precisely when ya sideswipe the lil’ goob with the news that he’s DAVID FUCKING GROHL. Now instead of learning how to play the trumpet, he’ll make his way back home and “learn to fly.” (haha, remember? from the song?)

Tip #2: Let Him Know It’s Not His Fault (Even Though Yeah, It Totally Is)

When you tell your son he’s Dave Grohl, you want to make it clear that it’s not his fault. This can be the tough part because it’s a total load of shit. Of course it’s his fault. He’s the one who’s Dave Grohl! But this is not the time to tell him that. He’s already absorbing enough at the moment. Just tell him a little white lie to cushion the blow. Later, when he has a son of his own who is also Dave Grohl, he’ll realize the truth.

Tip #3: Show Him a Performance of the Foo Fighters from the 1998 VMA’s

Okay, so you’ve told your son and he doesn’t believe you. Surprise, surprise! This will happen. What to do? Show him a clip of the Foo Fighters from the 1998 VMA’s. Tell him “This is you. Remember?” If he says yes, then give him a scoop of his favorite expired ice cream. He’s a good little Dave Grohl and he’s earned it! If not, lock him in “the bad shed” until he’s learned his lesson. Throw him a slab of undercooked bacon every once in awhile so he doesn’t starve, but do NOT let him out until he understands he is the bearded heartthrob who wrote “Everlong.”

Tip #4: I’m Dave Grohl, Bitch!

Like “Rick James, bitch!” from Dave Chapelle. But Dave Grohl. Tell him it’s a funny thing he can say. It’ll help when his classmates tease him for being Dave Grohl.

Tip #5: Let Him Go

So, you’ve done the hardest thing a parent can do. Your son now knows he’s Dave Grohl and your job is done. At this point, there’s nothing left to do but to drop your son off for a big show at the Staples center and never look back. It’ll be hard. You’ll see his face gracing the cover of Rock Music Magazine. You’ll see him rocking out on the Food Network’s Pre-Teen Yogurt Awards. But don’t go crawling back. He’s gotta get on with his life as a big ass rock n’ roll star and you gotta get on with yours as Craig T. Nelson. It’s tough, but the best thing you can do is to just let him be Dave Grohl. He’s a big boy now…and he WON’T be coming home next year (remember? Like the song?)

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