10 people you must know they’re Portuguese, 5–10 (if you don’t you’re a douche)

spot a Portuguese!

Now Searching: MUSIC

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GUY-MANUEL DE HOMEM-CRISTO

of course he’s the shortest one…

One half of one of the most creative musical acts around — his full name is actually Guillaume Emmanuel Paul de Homem-Cristo or Man-Christ, for the not so Portuguese crowd — is the grandson of a bitch of a Portuguese fascist pig but that did not, fortunately for all of us, skip a generation. Guy is cool!

Guy is so Portuguese his family has streets and places named after them in Aveiro.

According to Rolling Stone Man-Christ studied at Lycée Carnot, one of the fanciest high schools in Paris. That would be where he met Thomas Bangalter, the other half of our beloved Daft Punk. They started jamming with an old Casio synthesizer and the rest is musical history!

He’s an electro-dad, he’s in his 40s and he will never stop dropping beats and bestowing unforgettable music to our ears.

Now Searching: TECH

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APOLLO & AL COSTA

We’ll give you a pass because you’re not supposed — worry not, nobody is! — to know who these dudes are.

Both of the ‘stage names’ refer to two Portuguese coders (based in Estoril) that founded the first ‘official’ bitcoin in our territory. Even if we could show their faces… they’re coders. So get back to your Zac Effron tab please!

The project is not new nor innovative. It started as an alternative way for all people (not just Portuguese, it’s a fucking bitcoin) to save some dough and, if you happen to be smart, make some cash too.

The website is here and it does not feature any translation so you will get the basic concept — it’s a bitcoin based on the pre-Euro currency, the Escudo, that would translate as Shield but, since we’re a bunch of conservative and catholic retards, I think Sacred Shield would be more appropriate… — and learn more about this digital venture that surprised even the nerdiest editors from techcrunch or inc (I’m joshing: nobody knows about this).

#NWO

Now Searching: BOOKS

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FILIPA FONSECA E SILVA

Heard of some Nobel called José Saramago? Well he inspired my fellow countrymen to keep tweeting and commenting on facebook all the time. Or… he was just one character in our History of Books, with crazy and awesome characters like Gil Vicente, Camões, Eça, Pessoa, Virgílio or even Jorge de Sena.

Let’s move on to the digital world where a pretty anonymous — comparing to the gentlemen above — copywriter working at advertising powerhouse Havas decided to wrote a book. Just like you or me would do, ticking the bucketlist. She was ’13 going on 30' so she just thought… “let’s write this joint”.

So she did and she became the first Portuguese author to rank in the top 100 at Amazon. Not bad as a second book, since she tried publishing through old media before!

This was such an amazing feat that it got No Media — old and new — coverage at all in our country!

Now Searching: SPORTS

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MIGUEL OLIVEIRA

Ditch the four wheels and get on your bikes Álvaro Parente, Filipe Albuquerque and Félix ‘Formiga’ da Costa.

That’s where the money is. You will never be Mourinhos nor Ronaldos. But at least 5 people will be at the Airport when you win the World Championship!

Miguel Oliveira is, according to his official website, “the national athlete of his age bracket with more media visibility in Portugal and abroad”. It also says he’s taking his Master in Dentistry, which is cool, because he can crash at 180mph and be his own surgeon after the terrible accident.

Miguel is from Pragal, he’s only 22 and he competes in Moto2, the daughter-in-gears of MotoGP, which does not have the global reach of Bernies’ Formula One, despite Rossi being the greatest driver of his age — it’s sad he didn’t get to drive along with Senna… — and the Spaniards acting as the other guys that Rossi had to put up with along the years.

We’re not sure if Miguel will rise to the occasion when he gets there. We know he’s young and he’s pretty fast — won himself a couple of races — , we’re talking about a title challenging youngster making a name, a brand and above all else making every Portuguese proud.

MotoGP is at a whole different level — if you know your Eliases, your Marquezes, your Pedrosas, they’re all ruthless drivers in one of the most brutal and competitive disciplines of motorsport — in terms of media exposure and fantastic broadcasting (it surely tops the F1) but it shares with Moto2 all the excitement and constant adrenaline. We’re only seeing the early stages of Miguel’s career, which we can only hope will be a very succesful one.

I don’t care if MotoGP is a 90% European sport (it only features one Australian driver and a few Japanese kamikaze Outside the dominant forces from Italy, Spain, France, UK and others).

It celebrates sweat and talent. And Miguel has loads of it to share with the world!

Now Searching: MOVIES

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ANNABELLE WALLIS

Okay, I’m just messing with you guys now.

Annabelle is just as Portuguese as J.K. Rowling (summered and fell in love in Oporto), Ellen Page (summered in Algarve) Bryan Adams (summered in ’69 right here), Matt Cameron or Eddie Vedder (surfing regulars), Sam Mendes (he’s not on the list because of Shrek: The Musical), Nelly Furtado (didn’t make it because she was famous before facebook, bad timing Nelly!), Vincent Cassel or Monica Bellucci (living here and she’s so not Portuguese it stinks!).

What I find curious in this woman is not the fact she alternates between awesome moments like this

PLEASE check out Peaky Blinders. Where Kurosawa meets the Irish!

with meaningless Michael Bay-ish and Tom Cruise-ish shit like this

but the fact is This Woman can speak fluent Portuguese because she lived 17 years in this joint.

I’ve lived for longer and I can’t speak That Portuguese…

So maybe she will be the hottest act for 3 months, maybe she will fall into the actress limbo again (hey, limbo’s good, I found her on Peaky and she’s amazing in that show!) but the fact is nobody in Portugal knows this and no media outlet even interviewed her exploring… 17 years of Portuguese experience through the eyes of a Brit.

Anything to add Mr. Tendinha or Mr. Augusto?

Now Searching: POLITICS

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DEVIN NUNES

and here you are, expecting Guterres!

Actually we can’t find him, so that’s a No for Rep. Devin Nunes, who was the last man standing when Donald Trump played the Summer season of The Apprentice — White House Special.

He got axed. Right at the time Mr. Trump was getting serious heat about his allegedly involvement with the Russians during the campaign he would tragically win.

Apparently Nunes is such a Portuguese douche that he’s a lobbying wonderkid, with prodigious fundraising events such as a $1,000-a-head gala or a $3.2 million war chest saved as of March 31. He’s such an imbecile that he’s supposedly effective, influential and of course all the Americans will eat his bullshit and devious propaganda like Whoppers.

Apparently… not all the Americans! Yay!

Nunes family comes from Azores, that has a direct flight connection to LA. In fact, the Americans are discovering the Azores as you read (touted as the ‘next Hawaii). He does not speak Portuguese at all.

Again: he is a proper douchebag.

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