Nostradamus Never Saw It Coming: ‘Despacito’ Is a thing
The Four Horsemen are packing their shit and creating the facebook event for our annihilation after this bucket of turd hit our ears:
That’s right. A Canadian sad sack, a Puerto Rican geezer that released 9 albums prior to this shit-for-BPMs — and still has to deal with multiple articles saying that Almighty Bieber discovered his ass… — and Daddy ‘Please, Make Me Deaf’ Yankee had to combine forces (just like The Planeteers) to summon (unlike the Planeteers) our Planet’s closest stunt to self-destruction.
It’s not that I hate the song. There’s just nothing there to be heard, really. The beat is old news, the singing veers on cheesy erotica rather than hardcore pornography — a common trace to each and every reggaeton song — and what really pisses me off is that, were it not for Bieber, this boom-ch-boom-chick floater was destined for a quick and painless flush.
How the fuck a rather mediocre Summer hit has to be magically touched by the Neo of Pop music is something that should worry everyone, from Portugal to Pitcairn. In fact, here’s how much Bieber cares for the song he made more famous and successful than Macarena:
But what should Really worry everyone, from the Easter Island to Azores, is the fact that this reggaeton formula is so canned that one cannot distinguish one song from another. Here’s a fine example. Try to close your eyes — watch out, don’t kill yourself yet! — and say hello to another — or is it the same?! — pile of sonic excrement.
and some say ‘Despacito’ is redefining the genre because there’s “singing and not rapping” and the melody is just different.
Newsflash: it’s just Bieber and fuck you very much autotune.
You are both toxic blights on a generation.
If this song didn’t remind you of Despacito just try chewing on shit or peeing on your face.
It surely sounds more familiar…