Now for something that will help you in traffic

They should invent new stuff to help us during shitty traffic jams. Custom horn tunes. An insult converter. Some app that kills every Bieber or Coldplay song. Just sayin’…

I recently started hitting the road — 10 years have gone by, I’ve made it! — and I’m not happy with what I’ve found.

Fart faces at 7:30 AM.

Worthless drivers.

Useless road signs.

General unhappiness.

Über-competitiveness handling 4-wheeled death machines.

The occasional accidents.

And that Justin Bieber song playing out loud.

You don’t want to be in traffic. In fact, it’s the last place on Earth you’d want to be. Chaos is everywhere and everything’s allowed: in fact, I would say it’s the closest the human being is to homo erectus. It’s like the fucking jungle out there. People shout. Cars overtake where they shouldn’t. Red lights only apply to jerks. All the cyclists parade themselves like Ancient gods. The majority of bikers think they’re reshooting Mad Max And you can always see that uncle fucker texting while slowing everyone else down. Oh, and everyone uses their hands excessively. And usually to cause even more mayhem. ‘Excuse me, everyone, can I cross these 22 lanes in front of everybody?!’. It’s that chaotic. It’s that concerning. Shit, somebody should do something.

While that somebody got stuck in traffic, I’ve come up with a solution. And no, it’s not a fucking bomb. And no, it’s not an ad for public transportation (it should be, Portuguese people do think trains are for homeless dudes and Football aficionados). It’s interactive stuff to do while you’re jumping between the 1st and 2nd gear.

Let’s begin:

  1. There are two things Portuguese folks love to do. Actually, it’s only one thing but it can be converted into two. The first, is to complain. We’re #TeamLatin so that’s sort of understable. One thing that is Not — and never will be — socially acceptable is the daily dosage of honking motherfuckers. People hit the horn for nothing.

A duck close to the road is looking at you funny?

A butterfly has landed not-so-beautifully as you expected on your windshield?

It’s ridiculous. I wonder if I could honk for anything that these people Are going to do wrong during their workdays. Wouldn’t that be a treat…

2. Portuguese people love some cursing. I guess that’s not exclusive from our brand, one could say that’s a global thing. Why can’t we auto-tune these fucking insults and make them into a happy tune? Or maybe some app that immediately Wagners the shit out of them. That would be cool. Or something that could immediately convert ‘you piece of shit’ or ‘donkey raping shit eater’ into entrepreneur quotes.

Now that would be something I’d be pay to be stuck in traffic to watch.

3. We also love to text while driving so for each text you send someone from your family shall die until the end of the day. Short. Simple. Talk about some effectiveness.

4. Bieber-killer would be an app designed to snooze murderers of prose such as the Canadian douche. You would get more points for each muted song from Bieber, Coldplay and whatever-theNBT-band-that-will-be-that-I-won’t-give-two-shits-about. You could unlock ‘neighborwatch’ mode, that would allow you to Bieber-out an entire lane. Let’s say there’s tech to do this. Please make this shit happen.

5. Traffic lights could have AI so that each time you fuck with someone else’s safety, all the upcoming red lights — let’s say, the next 10 — will know that a douche is coming and hold you for… I dunno. A thousand years.

6. People should cheer each time that they advance even a quarter of a mm. Like… together. Not individually


7. All standard cars should do this while driving by hybrid cars (even though this could be the other way around in the next 10 years)

8. Tires should be responsive to your stupidity so that each time you’re going to something stupid, this would happen

9. For each drink you have, a tire flattens. Or your phone dials some dudes to mess with your vehicle (now don’t tell me the tech isn’t available for this!)

and finally

10. When you hit someone while parking — and you will get the fuck outta there like nothing happened — nearby people should be able to shoot you. In the groin. With a semi-automatic. Sorry dude. That’s just the way it is…

[let it be noted that the author didn’t write this while driving home]

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