A guide to getting a bus in London.

1) Get on the bus with your Oyster card READY.

2) Make a difficult decision regarding if you should subject some poor innocent in the first seat to your arse or groin as you attempt to avoid making physical contact with the human cesspool stood right at the front gawping out the window.

3) Invoke every deity in the book in a effort to find an empty pair of seats

4) Fail

5) Make a rapid assessment of the entire bus in an effort to spot the least “murdery” occupant.

6) Realise that that’s you.

7) Weep

8) Realise that by weeping you just became one of the crazies.

9) Take a seat

10) Get off 10 or more stops early due to a sudden change in destination.

11) Repeat until vaguely near home.

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