I had a difficult childhood. My mom and dad divorced when I was a year old. She remarried to a wonderful man and family grew six years later. She never really grew up, so I raised myself. I resented her, rebelled, lived independently. She tried to commit suicide and was a depressed person in general. She cheated on my stepfather. My father is a very successful, genius-like man. He lived abroad pretty much my entire life but tried to maintain a relationship with me. It didn't really work, as I didn't miss him. But I remember to have loved him occasionally.

I went down depressed myself, I was sixteen, adolescent, lonely, surrounded by rich kids, in a rich-kid-school. The typical story of the girl who’s prone to rebelling and getting her nipple pierced. I did. Regretted it and removed it. I smoked with resentment and a bad attitude, it was so radical for me. I lived like my own person, on my own schedule, with my own -very inadequate- eating habits. I decided I would control them, I decided I would get skinny (really skinny). I did. It was terrible.

As I write this, I get angry. I feel like my life is way too much like the “typical adolescent story”, although it felt pretty unique to me at the time. I was a smart girl, overall. Was interested in interesting things and people. I wanted more out of life, I always did. I didn't want to be that girl whose life is lost due to her childhood. Someone who is defined by the past, or the present. I wanted to be free.

I struggle. I’ve had relationships in which I put my hope of a “normal life and future” into it. I am actually in a relationship now and struggling with not putting my hopes of a normal, happy life into that person. I can rely on him, yes. He knows my story and takes care of me, but also fails. He’s a person. I guess I hope he will be that persona I can depend on. That’s unfair. That’s too much pressure for a person who’s not your parent. But I don’t really know the limits that well.

How can I keep my past from defining my present, my future? How can I keep myself from depending on someone? How can I be my own person all the time? What’s the line that separates vulnerability and dependency?

I want to be free. I want to be Mariana. I want to be myself first and then someone else’s someone.