Weapons Fashioned Against Me

This life is a pot of hot beans. Walahi! Just when you think you’ve got it all covered, that you’re now set to maintain that sweet-felling consistent streak, life happens. Sometimes you wonder, why always me? It now seems like you love the victim game and you hate this idea, but alas, the truth is you’re like the Everton of this world. Okay, scratch that, God forbid! I won’t be Everton in Jesus name. Let’s just say I’m Manchester City and it’s still 2007 when the struggle was still real. When the trench was still home. You get, ba? Okay.

After a restful six weeks, it was finally time to resume. I had spent a full week in Emure, mostly on my bed, sleeping, cooking and eating, pressing phone, reading self-help books, and becoming a beginner accounting student. Boooring. Well, maybe not exactly, sha, because I also played football, saw some episodes of the TV series, The Wire, and... errm, I think that's all. Ouch. Whatever.

I didn't write last week. I couldn't. I mean, I wanted to and the time was there, but like my guy, Delight used to say, no be me get myself. It happened that last week was my week of shege. A significant amount of weapons fashioned against me prospered.

When September started and I decided not to beg, I was warned. I had pleaded with July and there was shege. I lost a major gig that left me numb for up to one week. August came and there was me begging again. Story! It was malaria month; I even thought I was going to die on that bus from Ekiti to Lagos. Omo!

So, understand where I came from when I refused to beg September. And it worked, for the first week. I had a sweet streak of reading, exercising, moderate eating (no be say I dey watch weight o, na Sapa), studying (the reading up there be like freestyle), writing, and being happy. It was the best week in three months and it started to make me think that just maybe, the faces of Emure people (read as Emure girls) did wonders. What I didn't know was that my village people were biding their time and waiting for the right moment to strike. Because I don't understand how everything was sent to that particular week. I didn't even get a chance to stand up after a fall. It was one immediately after the other.

It started on Tuesday with my glasses, the new LOML. I had it with me one minute and it was gone the next. I was in class when I discovered it was missing and stopped to look around. I even asked all the students but no one had seen it. Everything was like a joke and the teachers kept telling me not to worry, that I would see it eventually. They were even playing with the entire situation, suggesting that it was someone that hid it to give it back later. Pfft! I went home without it that day, then the next day, then the day after. It was gone. It is gone.

I decided to play football with the local guys after school on Wednesday. Star player like me, I was the second person to be picked. But I didn't play up to five minutes when this guy lunged at my ankle.

Ah! Yakubu, you dey mad? You wan wound me?

No vex, corper. I think say I fit collect the ball.

Make I no vex. That ball be like 50-50 ball for your eye? Which kind thing be this na?

Of course, that conversation didn't happen. The ref only gave a foul and play continued 5 seconds later. But just above my ankle, there was a slight bruise. It was a good game from there until about 5 minutes to the end. It was Yakubu again. Surely, this guy see me for dream. Dem don tell am say na me dey toast him babe. This one was a 50-50 ball so I could understand. But because it was that close, it was harder to take my leg away. One second I was kicking the ball and the next second, I was on the ground, wincing in pain.

Sorry, corper.

Ah! Yakubu!

Corper, no vex, abeg.

You dey mad o. You don chop my leg two times. Wetin I do you na?

Na mistake.

Which kind nonsense mistake be this na? You no sabi mark? No try am again o.

Again, the conversation didn’t happen. The actual exchange was "Corper no vex, na ball I wan kick" followed by "No o, no worry. Na ball." This time, we shook hands and he helped me up. But make I no lie, e pain me o.

The main event happened on Friday. Or was it Thursday? Wo, I don’t know and it doesn’t even matter. It was the ultimate weapon sent to me. Thank God it didn’t prosper, though. For a moment, I started to think about how my present life would change in an instant. How I’d stay in this trench without being able to chat or read, or talk to other fine babes outside Emure. It would be a dive from boring to miserable. Damn!

I was only cooking beans o. I had started earlier but when it was time to play ball, I turned off the gas cooker and packed my boots. Yes, I know you'll say I was injured. No vex, I get coconut and only a few things fit replace ball for this my life. When I returned from the field, I took my bath, stepped out to buy bread, and returned to continue with the cooking. My data was switched on and messages were coming in. Mumu me didn't have the sense to focus on beans alone. My phone was on the lid of a bucket and I wanted to take water from the same bucket. I lifted the lid then somehow, something that was horizontal shifted a couple of degrees and the Redmi device was in a pool, performing underwater strokes.

How I got my reaction speed, I can’t tell, but I managed to remove the phone some 3 seconds later. I turned it off, cleaned the water on the surface and reached for the rice bag. I was reciting incantations as I watched the phone. Where I wan see money take buy phone for this economy? Me wey don already dey cry say September slow? Ah! I didn’t even notice that some part of the beans had poured on the floor until later. The idiot torchlight that was low had to work overtime. When I finished eating, I had to recite a short 25-minute prayer before taking the phone out and switching it on. It was the first day in September I slept before 10 PM even though my battery was not dead.

Dear God,

I have seen people asking to be ballers and not mechanics in October. See, even though you be God, na God I take beg you. September don show me say I no get level. Abeg, help me shame am. Even if I wan do mechanic, make I still ball. Big man, I don start to dey beg you in advance o.

Help me abeg, because if to say na me be God, I for don help you.