You Cannot Be Cool Driving a Honda Civic

It’s a statement of fact, as true as that of never get involved in a land war in Asia, or a third reboot of a beloved series is guaranteed to kill it forever:

You cannot be cool driving a Honda Civic.

This is not to say that cool people do not drive Civics, far from it. I happen to know several cool people who — aside from their voluntary castration they perform every morning getting into their chosen mode of transportation — are, in point of fact, ice cool. But when they’re in that car… No. I won’t apologize, you know it’s true. When’s the last time you saw someone pull up in a Civic and you thought to yourself, “What I wouldn’t give to be him for a day.” It is the automotive equivalent to Valium, and while that coin has its value, it carries no weight in the Circle of Chill.

The Civic is, by all other measures, a wonderful car. Solid performance for a commuter sedan, agreeably roomy, decent mileage, and rock solid dependability that leads to people driving them well beyond the limits of other brands. But much like the stereotypical accountant, all its sexy spreadsheets and positive FAQ forum responses cannot hold a candle to the most shot-out, cocaine addled rock star. How can he? That accountant drives a Civic.

This is, by every measure of the phrase, an irrational, personal vendetta. No logical argument or factually based point will sway me from my lofty, judgmental perch. I say this now because I am now in the market for a new vehicle. As such, I recently asked a convenient salesman what cars I could buy outright with the funds I have available. Lo and behold, what beacon of settling reared its head? The Civic. The affordably priced Civic. The impressively featured Civic. Heck, the sensible Civic. But this is my line in the sand, my personal Rubicon, my Gates of Thermopylae. I will not offer up my coolness on the altar of common sense, no matter the competitive pricing or color options available.

But hey, at least it’s better than a Jetta.