Grew up in a small town. Son of a small business owner. College grad. Silver spoon in my mouth. Lucky horseshoe in my ass. White. These words describe me. Oh, and handsome. That too.
That's sort of where that line ends though for things that describe me. However, I've been called a bunch of other things that further extend upon that line. Insensitive, brash, charmed, and on, and on, and on.
The fact is, I have one real priority in life. All I want to do is make other people smile and teach them things. Nothing else. Now, there's means to that end. Like if I was $100 million dollars richer I'm sure I can find ways to make people happy. But if I were to die tomorrow and could two things, that is all I can come up with.
I grapple everyday with my existence, and I fight everyday what people think I am and how I should act. My parents thought I should become an accountant on the sole fact that they had created an image of me being a successful business person long before I could say abbacus. While my peers have always seen my background and assumed I have never struggled because I had some of the things they didn't growing up.
When I was younger, I cried quite often to my parents about how I wasn't like the other kids and how I just wanted to belong. We all did. The issue is at 24 years old, I still spend a lot of my days trying to bend who I am to change people's perspecitive of me.
The fact of the matter is though, no matter how hard I push that wall, I can't beat it 10/10 times. At this moment of writing this, I feel no one "knows" me. It isn't just a case of being in my feelings either. I spend every moment of my life with that feeling of isolation in the back of my mind.
A large part of this is self imposed of course. I am extremely jaded and cynical. I think the only thing that seperates us from animals half the time is that fact we have thumbs. I mean, fuck, I see some idiots try to rationalize how some innocent people get shot just becuse the shooter looks like them. And then I see people get into arguments picking dumbass groups on either side of an issue instead of just taking in the point that people died. Again, insensitive animals that are just the shit tossing away from being a zoo exibit.
But. I have tried often. I really have tried to level with people. I told my parents many times I don't think I have any desire to be in business. They usually reply with a "well you got to do something Cole..." (Don't worry too much on that front, I have my whole life planned out now. As much as cavilcated chaos as it may seem at times.)
As for friends, well... I love them. I love everyone of you. Probably more than you like me, honestly. Have you spent multiple days wondering why I don't like you more? Do you long for me to text you more often? I do. Unless you spent the past 14 or so years of your life wondering why don't people like you more like I have, it's at that point of obsession for me. I may say some bullshit that doesn't really matter that may be funny/ofensive, but it's just a joke.
Again part of this is my own fault, but there's a lot of groundwork both ways. I've always felt people passing judgement on me as I've talked. And I think in my ongoing battle with an existential crisis is the fact that I've never understood why people are so consumed with shit that doesn't matter. I may sound like Tyler Durden, but the fact is some people really make it a point to argue. Louie C.K. says it best with his bit on airplanes, if you haven't seen that then go watch it. He's amazingly insightful.
The fact is, I am not the person a lot of you think I am. I've gotten a lot better in sharing myself, and it's a healing process, but the past so many years fighting it (this kind of sounds like I would be coming out of the closet here, doesn't it. See this is humourous, and it has a second level of humor that I am just shitting all over the climax by saying a really shitty joke) has been one exhausting roller coster.
Just know everything I’ve said in the past years have had two intentions, to make you laugh or to make you think about who you are and what your intentions in life are. And maybe, sometime listen to that person you are next to. There may be something about them you don’t know about.