on (critical) loving kindness

There has been a lot on my mind, especially after the deaths in Orlando, Baton Rouge, Minnesota, Dallas, Pakistan, South Sudan, Kashmir, Central African Republic, but I haven’t had the time or energy to write something to share publicly just yet. Something else I have been thinking and reflecting on has been relationships, my relationship with myself, with my elders, with God.

In this piece I will share observations and reflections from friends and my own personal work related to relationships, commitment, fear, and self-appraisal. Specifically, I will outline examples and statements which represent how a lack of self-compassion can make it challenging for women living in the hyphen to accept themselves and allow others to love them as spiritual, sexual, thoughtful beings.

Anticipating the critiques of others, whether they are actual people — like your grandmother from Eritrea, your uncle from Pakistan, your Egyptian neighbor, or the macrosystems we live in like the patriarchy, capitalism, and ableism which invisibly permeates our cultural experiences — can sometimes by advantageous. I tried rationalizing why being self-critical is a constructive quality for me to have last time I met with my therapist. I told her, “well, if know why or how I am not meeting an expectation, I can anticipate the blow before someone says it to me”. Instead of other people critiquing my decisions, I self-police my own actions to prevent them from hurting me.

Them

The ones that question my belief in God, when I practice Islam wearing short shorts

The ones who questioned my American-born blood, when I chose to observe hijab

The ones who say my academic and research productivity depends on how much I publish in inaccessible journals, instead of public blogs

The ones who say I won’t fill half my Deen until I settle down with a spouse; The ones who question my well-being when I tell them I want a divorce

Living on the hyphen for me means, I can’t please everyone. As an American I find my peers, partners, or doctors confused at my decisions to abstain from drinking and sex. As a Muslim, my decision to stop observing physical hijab is supposed to reflect the state of my heart. As a South Asian woman in higher education, the decision to study away from home, unmarried, is considered radical. Maybe I don’t want to be radical anymore. I just want to be me. I don’t know how to integrate these parts of myself without letting someone down. I can’t shake the feeling that I am supposed to be successful in everything I do, especially when being the “best” in our fields (ihsan) and in our character comes from the Islamic tradition. I can’t give myself permission to be anything less than perfect.

And I am not the only one.

That is what is heartbreaking about my story and the work that I do as a Counseling Psychologist in training. As much as I want to normalize these feelings of despair, of isolated experiences, of heartbreak, and violence against ourselves and others, my heart and mind are never at ease knowing it is not just ONE person who feels this way.

I think about my friends on the regular, I think about my sister, I think about the men I meet also trapped by expectations. I want to say “what is wrong with us!?” but living the lives that we do, in the toxic, misogynistic, bigoted environments that we do, I am also surprised and proud of our resilience.

Today I want to explore three statements or ideas which I’ve heard my friends and myself implicitly say to ourselves which I think might be getting in the way of feeling and connecting to others authentically, meaningfully, and without fear:

1. Why are good things happening to me? When a friend shared this sentiment with me last week she shared how for most of her life, things have not worked in her favor. Her relationship with her parents was strained, her “American” values made her feel isolated from her South Asian community, her aspirations to attend graduate school constantly stifled by work and other commitments. Now that she is talking to someone romantically, she fears even speaking about his kindness, his good looks, his feelings of cherishment towards her. “How could he want ME?” was the question we explored together. I told her she is great. So many people tell her she is great. But she acknowledged she does not feel the same way about herself. Rejecting love, or even the gift of a compliment, can feel insincere from others when you don’t believe it yourself.

But no matter how LOUD, how EDUCATED, how CURVY, how OPEN, you are;
YOU ARE WORTHY
of being loved
and embracing love for yourself

2. “Prove it” Another sentiment I’ve heard and am guilty of is this idea that to be with someone forever, or to commit to a relationship requires constant evidence of the other person’s interest. Similar to number one, I sometimes can’t believe someone would like me…can’t they see how flawed, how imperfect I am? As if I have no redeeming qualities outside of the traits I have to work on. I have to constantly remind myself, “hey, I am a pretty decent/cute/smart/funny/thoughtful person” it is totally appropriate for people to want to spend time with me. In my friend’s case, this theme of self-acceptance is most apparent when we considered how unexpected it is that she might love this individual. “He is not what I imagined for myself”, “I’d prefer he was just a jerk so I would have a reason to let him go”

I’ve been there sister.
in giving him a chance
you give yourself a chance to explore another side to you.

3. “I like being alone” Okay, this one is likely to be the most controversial. I am in no way saying being alone is a bad thing, or something to be ashamed about. I have however, heard stories of people defaulting to this statement when they are exhausted. Exhausted of having to explain their experiences, to explain why it hurts all over, exhausted from seeking out people who understand, empathize, listen non-judgmentally, without exoticizing, without shaming, without telling them “you are too picky”. I struggle with how to answer this one and I wonder if this is related to trust.

The world wants you to mistrust it
They want you to doubt, question, and be suspicious of yourself
But when you are ready
Open up and
Trust your truth.