Lonely doesn't even begin to describe it
March 30th, 12:57pm
Maybe it’s the music I’m listening to right now, or maybe it’s because I’m the only one home in this figurative prison of my own demise but I’ve been feeling so lonely lately. Lonely doesn’t even begin to describe this feeling. I don’t remember the last time my chest felt so tight, and no it’s not my bra. My lungs feel like they’re going to collapse. My ribs want to pop my lungs and turn my heart into a smoothie. Maybe it’s my shirt. Maybe I should go meditate after this.
Tomorrow my boyfriend, who currently lives 300km away from me, is moving an extra 400km farther. In no way am I taking this personally, he’s already done so much to be with me. He’s made so many trips (which aren’t cheap) to come up and spend days and weekends with me. He just needs to move back home for a month or so — I’m assuming 2 months, though — to work steadily with a good company and get back on his feet. Long distance sucks ass, just so you know. I miss him like crazy. In absolutely no way do I resent him, it’s just an unfortunate situation we’re in.
Just 15 minutes ago, my good friend canceled on coming over the night before my birthday on wednesday because she’s throwing a party. She usually tries to get me to go out these days — but it’s not that I’m trying to be antisocial and hide away, like she thinks, that I don’t go. I think when I drink I try to ruin good things in my life by doing stupid things, because I subconsciously don’t think I deserve them. So I think that drinking by myself is the best way to keep myself out of trouble. It’s just very unfortunate that I will be spending my 18th alone. Everything’s unfortunate right now, I guess.
Also, I didn’t realize that I had to get a government issued ID weeks before my birthday, for it would take a few weeks to arrive in the mail. My original plans for wednesday were to be taken out on the city with one of our family’s good friends, and rent a hotel, and we were going to get trashed. I was pretty excited about that, not going to lie. We’re about 4 years apart in age, so I knew we could keep each other in line and still have a pretty good girl’s night. But, as you know, I will not be doing that. I also had other hopeful plans at hopping on a bus to drive and spend this past weekend with my boyfriend. Surprise — that didn’t happen, either.
I’m just very lonely, and it is most certainly partially my fault. I’m content with the fact that I don’t have many friends anymore, due to personal choice. But I can’t be pulled down into this black pit of nothingness again, I just can’t.
Yesterday I said, “Today I think I will break my usual everyday routine of sitting around my house and doing nothing with my life. I will venture outside and explore this earth.” I didn’t. I want to, but I probably won’t. My naive ambition can only get me so far. I need a little help.