Learnings from My Gap (Drop) Year | Part I
Mentality, Pressure and Identity.
Introduction
This essay series would be a collection of my ruminations on my drop year, and the lessons therein. The term “drop year”, as employed in the Indian middle class context, is partially analogous to the gap year in the western world. While a drop year (or years) is also taken between one’s school and university days, the purpose is fundamentally different. Rather than travelling or working, the year is utilised towards preparing for competitive entrance examinations to top-tier universities.
It’s been some ten years since my drop year. However, I see value in writing about it because —
- Enriched with lessons that transcend rote textbook learnings, it has been my life’s most defining and transformative year thus far — and by quite some margin.
- And, most importantly, I feel those lessons can be of use to others as well.
So, with the hope that you are able to take away something meaningful from the series, let’s get started!
Quick Context
I took the drop to prepare for IIT-JEE. For the uninitiated, it’s a highly competitive entrance examination for admission to the IITs (Indian Institute of Technology), the premier engineering institutes of the country. The exam is taken by approximately 1.3 million candidates each year, with acceptance rates standing at a meagre 1 percent.
Normally, taking a drop year implies having been unable to crack the exam at the first attempt. However, that was not the case for me. In fact, I had got a pretty decent rank (among the top 0.5 percentile) the first time around, enough to secure a seat. Hence, needless to say, the decision to drop was a very unpopular one among my family, friends and teachers! But I had my reasons and convictions for it — and I was crystal clear with them. Describing those is what this series will be about!
1. Mentality — Clarity and Attitude.
Live intentionally.
Life’s way too short to let the universe do the decision making for you. The way I see it, no major life decision should be taken without introspecting over the “Why?”.
Yes, at times we may not have the complete answer at hand, but not even asking that question amounts to throwing your life into auto-pilot mode, at the mercy of the outer world.
In my mind, I was dead clear as to why I was making the unusual decision to drop. In no particular order, the reasons were the following –
- I felt like I had not given my best, and could improve. Especially in my weakest subject, Chemistry.
- A personal reason — my grandfather (who was my guardian growing up) was terminally ill, and I wanted to be there for him physically, if possible.
- I had a dream to study Computer Science and Engineering, which my current rank was unable to fetch for me (you need to be in the top 0.1 percentile for getting a seat in Computer Science). While I was getting admission to other branches, they simply weren’t appealing enough to settle for.
Talking of attitude, I knew I had one more chance (IIT-JEE allows a maximum of two attempts), and just wanted to put up a show worth remembering for the rest of my life, whatever the outcome.
I wasn’t concerned about bettering my performance in absolute terms. In fact, one of the very first things I did was to virtually forget I had even got a rank at the first attempt, choosing to remember just the learnings. That way, I stayed away from unhealthy competition with myself, allowing me to give my unconstrained best in the moment — free of pressures from the past or anxieties about the future. Or, to put it in other words —
I wasn’t defending my last year’s rank, I was attacking the best one I could get the next year.
Don’t defend the past. Attack the future. Be bold, be fearless.
Once you get your own mindset right, the outside cacophony hardly matters. But still, there’s one external factor that tags along with any achievement/recognition, and one has to learn to deal with it no matter what — Pressure.
2. External Pressure — Cherish it positively.
Welcome positive pressure.
Like every other prestigious exam, IIT-JEE too has its dedicated coaching centres. I was a part of one for the preceding two years, and decided to continue in the same for the drop year as well. But little did I know about the brutal reality check I was to encounter on my first day back in class!
I still vividly remember my first day in the repeater’s batch — some 250 odd pairs of eyes scanning me in disbelief, mutely positing the question — “For what good reason are you preparing for it all over again!?”
The others were there because they hadn’t been able to clear the exam at the first time of asking. I was there for the reasons mentioned above, which I pretty much kept to myself the entire year, feeling no urge to go about explaining it to others.
All my life, I had been (and continue to be) a middle-bencher, craving the anonymity it offers. Suddenly, I found that shield taken away from me. For the entire following year, my marks would be of more concern to people than their own. Every low test score of mine would be highlighted and discussed among chatter groups, sometimes even before I knew my own marks! If you aren’t watchful, such peer pressure to perform relentlessly can get to you, wrecking your mental composure.
There is an inherent pressure associated with every achievement — that of not falling below our own standards. One cannot avoid this pressure. However, how we handle this external influence is entirely up to us. We can either let it break us down, or welcome it in positively.
Remember, people don’t expect things out of you just like that. They expect them because you’ve demonstrated ability in the past. Take that as a compliment, and move on with the task at hand. The rest will take care of itself.
The real danger is when nobody expects anything of you. That… is a really sad situation to be in.
But what’s the origin of this soft pressure? Why are people so amazed/concerned with risky decisions such as the one I took? The answer, I believe, is to be found in the way we perceive our identities.
3. Identity — Don’t spend your life chasing tags.
Focus on who you want to be, not what you want to be.
We all go through various institutions and organizations during our lives, each of which leaves its own indelible mark upon us. School, college, workplace, university, nation — they all have a say in shaping our personalities. Growing up, and throughout our lives, we aspire to be associated with institutions we can attach a sense of pride with.
There’s nothing inherently wrong with such pursuits. In fact, they’re all healthy and necessary for the individual’s progress, as well as that of the society. However, toxicity seeps in when we begin identifying ourselves entirely with our institutions. Sadly, the current society worships such thinking. Worse, it makes us believe there are only a handful of institutions worth being a part of. If you’re able to get into those select places, great. Otherwise, you’re doomed.
Such mad obsession with identifying oneself with institutions leads to unhealthy competitions, and more importantly, utter disrespect of our intrinsic worth. With all due respect, any institution is just a part of your life — nothing more, nothing less.
Brilliant institutions were present long before you were born, and they will continue to exist long after you’re gone.
They aren’t meant to feed your ego, their purpose is to mould you into someone who can contribute positively to society. As such, entry into a prestigious institution does not automatically elevate your worth. Neither does failure to crack any of them mean that you can’t carve out a meaningful and fulfilling life (in fact, it’s perhaps the most lousy excuse one could present for shortcomings elsewhere).
Non-confirmation to institutional tags was one of the primary reasons why I was able to take the drop. If I had been too attached to the IIT tag, there’s no way I could have risked repeating the preparation all over again, even after securing a decent seat at the first attempt.
But as we all know, detaching yourself from societal norms is easier said than done. It is arduous, takes a lot of conscious efforts, and involves fundamental changes to how we perceive and evaluate the world… more on that in the next article!
Till then, take care and thanks for giving this a read!
Next article in the series:
