The guy I always wanted | feeling PINK

Whats happening. yes I have made the layout pink. yes I feel happy from inside. yes, this is exactly what i keep wishing and yearning for all the time. but whenever i finally get it. i start pointing out the problems i have with it. Is this what is called growing up? because according to me, the only thing that has changed from the time when all i wanted was him is time. my age. just a number. yet why is it that it doesn’t feel like its just that. i suddenly am being critical and wanting for more. what is it with wanting more anyway. i mean does this concept have any end or any exceptions or any end result. want more? how much more? why do u want more now that u have what u wanted? why cant i stop worrying and just allow things to improve themselves. is it because i am out of the place called a dream world, where i assumed everything had happy ending , where i thought that things will fall into place themselves. where i thought the guy i liked would leave all his nasty habits himself.

i don’t think so . not anymore. if i don’t ask him, or confront to him about it, nothing will change. if i don’t tell him my fears, i will continue to be afraid. also i don’t wanna take a chance with my happiness again. i cant be sad. not again, over a guy. so then why when he says yes casually do i still not believe him? is it that i am over the phase when i didn’t believe in bullshit but I was happy and trustful. is it that we can only live in extremes. either the fairy land or either in the place where i have major trust issues and i am not ready to believe the word of the guy i like. but come on, i can see it that he doesn’t mean it. how does that make me have trust issues? well, wish someone new the answer to where that line is drawn. so many questions, and i know the answer to all, theoretically but yet the correct answers don’t fulfil my questions. how do i get what i want from him ? how ?