How To Move On: A Science-Based Protocol for How to Get Over Him/Her — Part One

There is a good reason why it is so hard.

Did you know that when you are “in love” the parts of your brain that shut OFF are associated with fear and rationale? And that the parts of your brain that turn ON are pretty much ALL of the other parts? If you were once a rational human, in love you are not. This cannot be a total shock to you, however, as you have seen your friends act ridiculous when they met someone new, or had their heart broken or even just played with. Beyoncé didn’t write “Crazy in Love” because she was feeling rational. Dr. Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist and author of “Anatomy of Love” studied the brains of people in love and who had been rejected using fMRI scans. In those who had been rejected, she found brain activations in several regions of the reward system, including areas associated with intense romantic love, deep attachment, pain, anxiety, and distress. She also found activation in the orbitofrontal/prefrontal cortex associated with assessing one’s gains and losses, as well as craving and addiction — the same areas associated with cravings for cocaine. You read that right: The neurochemical experience of unrequited love and that of cocaine withdrawal are the same. This is the way we are all wired. You are not alone or broken; your brain is working just as it was designed for evolutionary purposes. With this awareness combined with the following mind-training tools, you will be equipped to break the addiction and “get good at breakups.”

PHASE ONE: Let’s get your head on straight

GO COLD TURKEY

We are dealing with your addicted brain, so cut — off — contact.

This might seem aggressive; you might still be holding on to a little hope. I get it.

You might feel more motivated knowing that creating this boundary is the best strategy for both making someone miss you AND getting over someone. Consider this: Which is more attractive, a needy ex reaching out over and over post-breakup or someone who is like, “cool, your loss, bye”?

Later you will be able to see that the best part of going cold turkey is that your brain chemistry has a chance to normalize, and you are equipped to make a rational decision about whether or not this is the relationship you want or the person you want in your life. Chances are you do not; you see the person and relationship differently; you feel stronger, more grounded, and have moved on. Create this hard boundary as an act of self-care, and give yourself some room to heal and your brain chemistry time to normalize.

So, what does “going cold turkey” entail?

When you go cold turkey post-breakup, you do not want to tempt yourself with their presence or things that remind you of your relationship. You create an environment where the person you broke up with no longer “exists” — no contact, no evidence of that person or your relationship — for a minimum of three months. To be clear, cold turkey means NO CONTACT. No texts, phone calls, letters, reaching out to his/her friends/parents/siblings, etc. No going somewhere you might run into him/her. Do not hang out at the places you used to hang out together. Do not do it. Take a break; take care of yourself.

Get rid of their things, photos, emails, texts. And please, for the love of God(dess), unfollow them on social media. Following someone on social media post-breakup is pure modern torture. No need to prolong your suffering. Make a choice to take care of yourself and do not look back.

Cold turkey may not be easy, but cold turkey is effective, I promise. If you are serious about wanting to feel better with the least amount of emotional damage and downtime, you have to commit to this first step.

PRACTICE EXTREME SELF-CARE

Get at least eight hours of sleep a night and drink half of your body weight in ounces. Schedule a massage; take baths; go to yoga; take walks; drink warm, calming tea; have some chocolate; eat delicious and nourishing foods. Do not push yourself too hard at the gym, or you will deplete your adrenals, and they are already taxed. If your adrenals are taxed, you cannot cope. Really baby your body and nervous system; it needs extra care. The activities above trigger endorphin release, which relieves stress and replaces some of the dopamine you are not getting due to lack of interaction with your former loved one. You will get a little lift. You will look good and start to feel better.

CLEAN VS. DIRTY PAIN — STAY IN CLEAN PAIN

Clean pain is non-negotiable; it is grief.

There has been a loss; loss of a dream, loss of the presence of a person, and often loss of trust. Grieve now, feel your feelings. Repressed feelings become anxiety. Repressed grief will exit at some other often-inconvenient time, so grieve now. The only way out is through.

Don’t be afraid to cry, sob in your bed, lay low for a bit. Sleep, drink water, and repeat for as long as it takes. Crying, removes toxins, elevates your mood, and lowers stress hormones. And as my father always said, “Better out than in.”

Feelings only last about 90 seconds at any given time. Feeling a feeling will not kill you. They come in waves, and eventually the wave passes.

Dirty pain, however, is optional suffering.

Dirty pain is caused when you make assumptions and make up stories in your head about things that you cannot be sure of. You could suffer for the rest of your life if you do not clean up your thoughts.

You do not know what other people are thinking, what motivates them, or what they have or have not done outside of your presence.

You do not need to “figure the other person out”; just tell yourself the truth, “I don’t know.” Repeat that: “I don’t know.” Give yourself a break. It is hard work making up and holding stories that hurt.

You do not know what the future holds.

Dirty pain is also negative self-talk and stories you make up about yourself. For example, you might say: I’m unlovable; no one will ever want to build a life with me. First of all, that is a mean thing to say to yourself, so do not do that, but more importantly there is no way you can prove that is true. You just made that up. The thought is causing the emotional suffering.

Choose to treat yourself with the love and respect that you deserve, and STOP MAKING SHIT UP.

Lastly, your thoughts about the circumstance are what hurts, not the circumstance. Thoughts are not you. They are like clouds floating through your head. You can pick and choose which ones feel good. If a thought feels shitty you have the choice to stop thinking it or pick another one!

Stay tuned for part two of this three part series.