
The big Hollywood love doesn’t exist, does it?
According to the not answered Tinder matches on my phone, I’m currently 4784 miles away from home. I’m sitting in a beautiful Airbnb apartment right in the middle of the United States. In a City with a population of 480 thousand people. It feels more like a village than a big city and there are usually not many people on the street.
I came here for work and decided to stay longer to disconnect for a few days. To be by myself. Walking around, listening to silent Indie music, working on side projects and calming down — that was the plan.
I didn’t speak much in the last days…
…and I just wrote a single text message with 367 words to a woman I dated the last six weeks.
Anna is great. She is smart, fun, beautiful and most importantly open for a serious relationship. She wants to have kids in a few years. And she will have kids — with or without a man in her life.
We met in a Techno club (yep, that’s still a thing in Europe) at a time that was far too late in the morning and I was in a condition that was far too drunk for a casual small talk. We caught up a few days later and started dating.
It went stellar. Our first date ended at her place. That wasn’t planned but we both felt almost too familiar with each other. And we both have been too surprised by that to let the night end.
We continued dating. Our second date was a home office day together to work sitting next to each other. We sat hours on her balcony opening up our souls. Telling each other secrets we rarely talk about. Talking honestly about needs and wishes, and plans for the future. I have to admit I was really excited.
Defining the relationship (Part 1)
I passed my thirties and the times in which you can just date someone casually are over. At some point in time, you have “to put a stamp” on it and commit “Yes, this is my partner now! For real? Yes, for real!”.
You have to give your partner safety — promising that this what you both have is “a thing”. That you won’t leave in the next two weeks. That you’re playing seriously. That you’re there to stay (at least for a while).
And this moment usually creeps me out!
I didn’t reach that point with Anna, though. After four weeks we met to talk about us. The excitement was gone for some reason. We haven’t seen each other for a while and I was sure that we’ve been on the finish line of our not defined relationship.
It turned out differently. We sat in a pub for hours talking, laughing and enjoying each other. We discussed openly what happened with us and why it didn’t work out. I ignored the small hints telling me that we could become serious and took the advice on “how to treat a woman” thankfully.
The final statement was that we really like each other but simply didn’t fall in love. I totally agreed!
We went home together afterwards…
The deal was that we’ll try a “friends with benefits” approach. I have to admit that I was pushing for this idea because I’ve got troubles with commitment and I really like this woman. I didn’t want to lose her.
Anna, on the other hand, is not confident enough to run a model like this. I knew this. She knew this. But we’ve been drunk and horny, and suddenly had a deal because I was selfish.
We continued our journey. It felt like we’ve been best friends occasionally sleeping together. I was happy and also dated other women which resulted in me having bad sex and feeling guilty. Anna and I talked about my dates because this is how it works. You have to talk about these things to make it work.
So she also started dating and I — I went to a ten day trip to the United States…
Defining the relationship (Part 2)
We’re now on day 8 of my trip. Anna had her first date when I just arrived in the US. She told me that it was really good but she didn’t want to talk more about it. I got worried but stayed confident we could keep what we have. That I could keep this relationship without commitment.
Last weekend she went to a music festival. Usually, there is no mobile signal on these kinds of events but she was online occasionally. Giving no sign… Sending no message…
I discovered that I really wanted to talk to her and that I’m looking forward to seeing her. She didn’t write me when she came back home which brings me to the 367 words I sent her today.
I defined my feelings, told her that I missed her and admitted that I fucked it up. I wrote that I should have given us a shot while telling that I’m not sure if that’s what I want at the same time.
And here’s the sad thing:
I think it’s too late now… I really fucked it up (again)!
So what’s the problem?
The problem is that I can’t stop hunting these perfect moments that may or may not exist. I’m looking for these love on the first sight stories that I watch over and over again in my favorite romantic movies.
No woman is good enough and I’m sick of myself because of that. I can’t open up to a partner. It doesn’t matter how great she is. It could always be better. It could always be a little bit more like in the movies…
I’m too distracted hunting “the real thing” to realize that the thing I’m looking for is maybe right in front of me.
I met a lot of amazing women over the years and always let them go. Not opening up, not making enough space in my life, not fighting to keep them, being horribly afraid of putting “the stamp” on the relationship.
So I guess, the real problem is that I’m looking for this big Hollywood love that doesn’t exist, does it?
