Unapologetically Polyamorous
You never quite know how you’re going to take being called a whore by someone you desire respect from until you get called a whore by your future mother-in-law.
That is what you get for being unapologetically polyamorous. That is what you get when you don’t hide in the grey area of the closet when it comes to the people closest to you in your life. That is what you get when your fiancé’s parents are of an older generation and were born to older parents themselves. That is what you get when you live in a small town, in a small, conservative county in rural New Jersey. That is what you get when you enter into a new relationship with someone for the first time since becoming non-monogamous and not being afraid to make it known to the world, through Facebook, when your future mother-in-law is friends with you as well as her colleagues and friends.
You also get inquiring minds asking way too many questions to the wrong people. Questions like “is your future daughter-in-law openly cheating on your son?” posed to the woman who raised your future husband.
No, I am not cheating on my fiancé. We’re polyamorous. We have multiple loving relationships, at the same time, with the knowledge and consent of all parties involved.
We believe that love is not a finite resource. You always hear “I love you with all of my heart.” What a crock that is, let me tell you. Do you stop loving your family when you enter into a romantic relationship? Do you stop loving your partner when you give birth to a child? Do you stop loving your first child when your second child is born? No, you don’t. You may say “But it is a different kind of love!” But it does not change the fact that it is love, at the very base of it’s form, and that it is not a finite resource.
I decided not too long ago that I’m not going to hide who I am. I’m not afraid to be different and that I am capable of handling the challenges that arise from that. I shouldn’t have to put a mask on when showing the world my life. This decision came about after many hours of listening to the audio book for More than Two by Franklin Veaux and the podcast Pedestrian Polyamory by Shira and Gavin Katz. Both of these audio resources have information on coming out as poly and how to go about life with out hiding the people you love. Shortly before National Coming Out Day (which now I’ll remember for the future what day it actually is) I posted to Facebook a picture I drew of the heart/infinity symbol that we poly folk recognize as our “logo” so to speak, with the words “Love is not a finite resource. #PolyamoryPride” written above and below. I made it a public post, knowing full well that all of my family, friends, colleagues, and mere acquaintances would be able to see it. I came out publicly because polyamory isn’t a little piece of my life, it is a big part of who I am. I knew my mother-in-law would probably see it, but that she would probably just pass it by because, lets face it, its not exactly something that most people understand just by looking at the word. Poly (multiple) amory (love). Simple statement, loaded topic.
Most people close to me already knew that Dan and I are non-monogamous. We started this journey a little less than two years ago, but it isn’t something that just popped up one day and we decided to go for it. We had been together for 4ish years, lived in an apartment in his hometown, had a solid ground under our feet as far as relationships go. Dan and I are madly in love, you probably would get sick of us if you heard how much cute shit we do and the things we say (Me: I love you! Dan: I love you more! Me: I love you times infinity! Dan: Plus one… Me: …and beyond!). We also fight like an old married couple about the finances and whose turn it is to take out the trash. But we also had explored intimacy with other women, in the most PG way of saying so. This led to Dan having feelings for one of those said women, and to us becoming polyamorous, or at least non-monogamous with the idea and intention of becoming polyamorous.
What is the difference? Non-monogamy is a catch-all term used to describe a relationship in which one or both partners is not exclusively seeing the other. This takes many forms: swinging, polyamory, cheating… Yes, cheating is a form of non-monogamy. The type of non-monogamy that Dan and I practice is an ethical form, with the knowledge and consent of all parties involved. Polyamory is when you have more than one romantic relationship at the same time.
Now some odd years later, here we are. Dan and I are engaged, planning to get married in July 2017, after having been together for 7 years. We’ve gone through a lot of the ups and downs together of financial woe, mental illness, long-distance living and more. We have a rock solid foundation because no matter what, we fix it when it breaks. We are in it for the long haul. We are so perfect for each other it is kind of disgusting, and we can’t wait to spend the rest of our lives being a pain in each other’s asses and a beacon of hope in otherwise troubled times.
I also have a boyfriend. Because it turns out when you come out to the world and open yourself up to the possibility of multiple relationships, you find a guy who is willing to explore polyamory even though he’s always been monogamous. I’m not going to go into how I met JJ, because that is a long story for another blog post, but he made it known that if an open relationship presented itself to him, he wouldn’t be opposed to it. Now a bit more than two months later, I get to call this guy my boyfriend and also be so perfect for each other its kind of disgusting.
Dan and JJ get along. We all play Magic: The Gathering together. We cook and eat dinner together. We tackle household chores together. A typical day off in my house when JJ is visiting looks a bit like any other household, except through out the monotony of washing dish after dish, folding shirt after shirt, and vacuuming the floors, I get and give affection from both of my guys, I laugh and joke with both of my guys, I hang out with and enjoy the company of both of my guys. At the end of the day, I get to sit with them in the living room and talk about life, experiences, tell jokes, hear stories, bond… And I get to appreciate that a burden shared is a burden halved, or in this cased, thirded. I get to appreciate being valued and cared for by my two amazing men. I get to value and appreciate my two amazing men.
But, according to some people in this small town, I’m a whore. I’m taking advantage of Dan. I’m cheating on Dan and flaunting it to the world.
I wonder if any of them stopped to think, “I wonder if Dan is doing this, too?”
Allow me to circle back to the beginning of all of this. The fact that Dan had feelings for one of the women we, erhm… entertained… What happened to that? Well, for privacy reasons I can’t exactly explain who she was, but Dan fell hard for a girl and that is what started our discussions about being polyamorous and having feelings involved in non-monogamy. Since then he has felt that way about two women, one of which the jury is still out on whether or not something will ever happen with her. I’m hoping it does, because the way he talks about her just makes my heart swell with pride and happiness. Compersion is what we poly-folk like to call it. Being happy and feeling love because the person you love is feeling happy because of another relationship. When Dan talks about this girl, it makes me think of how he must’ve talked about me to his friends in the beginning. It makes me hope that she will be able to change her stars and find polyamory to be as easy a path as JJ has found it to be.
If any of these people who look down on me for my life choices took the time to look into the love and personal growth that being polyamorous gives Dan and me, and knew how much Dan and I love each other, they wouldn’t be so quick to cast judgement. Unfortunately we live in a world where non-typical relationships are still judged and looked down upon. Facebook has a gazillion different genders for you to choose from, but G-d forbid you want to publicly tell the world you’re in two stable loving relationships. That is also a fiasco for another post, but the point stands. The world is used to boy+girl=relationship. The world is getting better with boy+boy and girl+girl, and heck, even non-binary+non-binary is more largely accepted these days by the conservative population. But G-d forbid you want to love and be loved by more than one person.
For that reason, I have decided to be completely unapologetic about polyamory and the way I live my life. I have decided to buck conventional norms and step out of my comfort zone and state to the world that I am who I am, if you do not like me for who I am, kindly see yourself out. I’m unapologetically poly.
