Today is Charlie’s birthday. I know. I haven’t forgotten. And I wonder how and when are you celebrating.

From your last text, he is in a camp right now or coming back today. He is also going somewhere this weekend. Are you going with him?

At first, I didn’t realized it but now I know that he is probably back around the same time that we have our date. Sunday June 25th at 7. Do you know that? I don’t think you’ve realized yet.

If this is the case, I have no idea how are you going to do this. Thinking that you might cancel last minute or show up for just a couple of hours makes me really angry. Upset and sad. Really sad. More so that if you didn’t show up. Will you show up?

A lot of feelings are coming to my right now. Things I’ve felt before when you’ve canceled plans, or other things got in the way. Like I don’t matter, like I’m not important enough to demand your attention.

It makes me cry.

Just like 3 years ago, when we got married and you had nothing to wear. You didn’t prepare or though of anything special. I was really upset and completely blocked those feelings from me that day because I wanted to make it special for both of us. But something in me died a little that day. For a lot of nights after that day I suddenly started crying at night or woke up in the middle of the night crying. I stop thinking about it, stopped letting myself be upset, and just let it go. I stopped feeling.

It still makes me sad thinking about it now. You bought several outfits and wore something nice for Charlie’s communion but had nothing special for our day.

Five minutes after I finished writing this, you texted me to move our date to saturday instead. It was cold. I wanted to text you more but didn’t know how to say it, or if we could. I don’t feel good, or ok or anything.

I feel like this is over for you and now I feel terrible.

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