So, I’m sitting in my favorite bar in Houston, on my third beer, asking myself one question: Why can’t white people be happy just being white?

With all the shit that has happened this past week, with the Charlottesville ruckus and neo-Nazis and white nationalists holding rallies all over the gotdamn place, I constantly wonder why does white people (mostly white men) feel the need to get together, declaring that this is their country and they won’t give it up without a fight.

First of all, muhfucka, this isn’t your country. You took it from the Native Americans, who you slaughtered the hell out of. This is common knowledge — you just choose to ignore it. Secondly, why do these people think that they are being muscled out of their turf? Are all the minorities banding together for a massive takeover I don’t know about?

It makes you realize how gotdamn scared some white people are of minorities. They probably saw some black folk or Hispanics or Muslims move next to them and instantly thought, “There goes the neighborhood!” So, they armed themselves with artillery and tiki torches, stomp up and down cities where there aren’t that many minorities and yell about how Jews are not going to succeed. And can I just say I never understood the whole hate-the-Jews thing! I’ve never had a problem with a Jewish person in my life! A lot of them are funny as fuck, and they’ve definitely been through just as much painful shit as black people have. Plus, they make a lot of delicious food. So, let me just say right gotdamn now, JEWS ARE AWESOME!

It’s frustrating to see neo-Nazis and white supremacists, all together under the delusional belief that white folk are a dying breed. Don’t these muhfuckas know how good they have it? Do you know how many times I’ve been at a public function and seen white people all happy and joyous and shit, and I was straight-up hating on them? Because I knew, no matter how bad their life would get, it would always turn out well BECAUSE THEY WHITE!

Back when I used to have a steady job, I used to argue with my white co-workers, co-workers who grew up in poor, rural surroundings, about who has it worse in this country: black folk or white folk? And I would always tell them that white people will always have it good — mainly because they’re white. You get jobs immediately. You never have to worry about being pulled over by the cops and getting shot seven or eight times. Everything is geared towards you. White women are always seen as the apex of beauty, no matter how bland or boring they are. White people are still considered the only people that matters around here. No matter how much other minorities make kick-ass major moves (hey, Girls Trip made $100 million at the box office!), the only question that’s asked is, “Would white folk be into this?”

Man, I don’t wish to be white, but I wish I had white privilege. White people can literally get away with murder. We’ve already seen one cop after another get acquitted for killing a black person. And no matter how much black people march or protest, that muhfucka still goes free. When a white girl goes missing, the entire country goes on a manhunt. Meanwhile, there are black and Latino girls always disappearing in the D.C. area, and no one says shit about that.

It’s frustrating that a lot of ass-backward, alabaster folk now feel since they got Donald Trump, the most incompetent commander-in-chief ever to take office (and, yes, I’m counting both Bushes!), in their corner, they can come out from the shadows, beat on their bitch-ass chests and make themselves known. This further reminds me how a lot of white folk were so mad that Barack Obama was president for eight years, they willingly chose to side with this muhfucka — who reminds you every day he has no idea what he’s doing — even if it meant a lot of hysteria and chaos in the White House, which has obviously been happening. I swear, there are white people who would rather watch the world burn than do what’s right for our country and our culture. (There’s too much multiculturalism out there — let’s have a self-centered, self-destructive president fuck it up for everyone!)

These white nationalists, neo-Nazis, KKK folks, militia men, etc. need to learn that they’ll never, ever have it as bad as minorities. These men are not patriots — they’re cowards. They’re people who plow down men and women with their cars who disagree with them. They’re evil people you can easily beat the shit out of. And these people gotta be really cocky and arrogant to think they can win this battle. THE SOUTH LOST! THE NAZIS LOST! LET IT GO MUHFUCKA!

Man, I’m done with this. If all these white supremacists think they can beat all these minorities and SJWs, they’re more pitiful than I thought they were. This is 2017, bitch! White kids call each other nigga now! Beyonce is seen as the perfect American! The number-one song in the country is “Despacito,” for Chrissakes! Minorities are needed now more than ever to bring some flavor to this muhfucka. And what are you bringing — hate? Just be happy that you’re white and you’ll always get away with everything and shut the fuck up.



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Craig D. Lindsey

I do shit for @newsobserver, @thrillist, @villagevoice, @ebertvoices. He's been down so long that he hardly knows how to handle being up. - @joshshaffer08