Is It Love Or Are You Very Sick?

By, The Love Doctor

Love comes with a lot of questions. Is it “sexual chemistry” or “HPV”? Our certified general practitioner and nonofficial Love Doctor* will answer your burning questions. The answer is, yes, it’s HPV. Just in time for Valentine’s Day, find out if you’re “falling” into a diabetic coma, seriously, cool it with the chocolate. Holidays are no excuse.

Dear Love Doctor: I’m newly single. I know I should be dating lots of people but I’m really interested in one person. I only have eyes for her. Is it love?”

— Tommy

Tommy, you’re so focused on your lover it’s like there’s no one in your periphery, its tunnel vision! Or it’s Tunnel Vision. Tunnel Vision causes defective sight making objects unintelligible if not close to the center of view. Love. It’s been right in front of you the whole time! You just need to open your eyes. If it’s Tunnel Vision you will also need to swivel your neck.

Dear Love Doctor: I can’t even think straight, just head over heels. Is it love?”

— Jen

Hey Jen! Your love makes you somersault! You’re taking that leap and sticking the landing! That’s good! Or you have Flat-back Syndrome. That’s when a person’s back is so straight it causes them to lean forward aggressively. You lose your lumbar curve entirely. It’s awful. The spine is so important. So is abandon. Let go. But not too much. You’ll need a back brace.

Dear Love Doctor: She makes me nervous. I’ve got butterflies in my stomach. Is it love?”

— Tim

She makes you flustered. You want to impress her. You feel all tingly inside. It could be love or textbook IBS. Irritable Bowel Syndrome causes chronic abdominal pain, discomfort, bloating and irregularity. It’s very common. 20% of Americans have IBS. Most likely, it’s IBS. It could be love but 50% of marriages end in divorce. It’s probably IBS. Keep a journal to track your eating habits/emotions. But you should focus on you, right now. You probably won’t have the wherewithal to date unless your partner is a toilet salesman.

Dear Love Doctor: I go weak in the knees when I see him. Is it love?”

— Fjord

Seems like you’re utterly incapacitated, that’s love for sure. Or, Muscular Dystrophy is very serious. Muscular Dystrophy is a group of muscular diseases that weaken the musculoskeletal system and limit your locomotives. Usually you get Muscular Dystrophy at a young age so you’d hopefully know if it’s love or a degenerative muscular disease.

* The Love Doctor is not medically certified to consult on matters of the metaphorical heart. Love advice is solely related to personal experience. I miss you David.