
Thoughts: 08/26/17
Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about my place in a broader social context. More specifically, I’ve been wondering if my actions towards other people are positive or negative.
I think everyone wants to think that their existence is a net gain, but I’m not so optimistic. In my lifetime it’s always felt like my inwardly-destructive tendencies end up being outwardly-destructive tendencies. A lack of self esteem, lack of emotional vulnerability, and thoughtlessness towards the needs of others…
All of these are habits and traits that started out as emotional self defense. It’s hard to change them. It gets harder every day that I don’t.
I wish I was less impulsive. Maybe even quieter and more thoughtful. I’m trying. I don’t want to be like this my whole life. I don’t want to hurt people that I like, just because I’m too stupid to realize that maybe everyone isn’t out to get me and maybe some people don’t think I’m an asshole.
Maybe I am an asshole and I should change that.
Is it selfish or selfless to measure the value of everything you do in terms of others’ perception? How much of what we do is done consciously? How many times have I said something that I shouldn’t have and hurt someone’s feelings because I wasn’t thinking? Does everyone let their body take over for their brain sometimes, or is that just me?
Lately, I’ve been thinking more about walking, sitting, breathing, eating, sleeping, those sorts of things. Lately, I’ve been thinking about how I do these things and how they make me feel. The expansion and contraction of my lungs as the air fills and then leaves them. The sensory experience of eating. The way the pavement feels underneath my shoes and the way my shoes and socks feel on my feet. The way the wind feels on my skin. The way it feels to lay in bed after a long day. I try to embrace these things fully and appreciate them for what they have to offer without my thoughts drifting to other things:
When I’ve got work. What I’ve got to do for class. Cute girls that laughed at my dumb jokes. Game release dates. Those sorts of other things.
I don’t know if it’s helping, but I hope it is. I feel like it is.
It’s making me feel better, anyway.
