New Blog…New Beginning
I last blogged 2 years ago or so. I still have many of the same hangups that I had then but I’ve moved and it just felt right to start blogging again, even if it’s for my own sanity. I’m 48 and live in the Midwest where basketball is god and everyone follows horses (colts, philly’s or thoroughbreds). 2 1/2 years ago I made the biggest decision of my life, I demanded a divorce from my wife. I was tired of not being happy and her not being happy with what I had done. It was never good enough for her. So 13 years and 2 bankruptcies later, I was notified on Valentine’s day of the next year that it was done.
In that year of separation, I realized that my biggest challenge was not missing her, it was missing my 2 best friends. My 4 legged children. My ride or die buddy. My snuggle buddy. Within that first year I got a text that the oldest had cancer and didn’t have tons of time to be around. I would get a text to see if I could pick her up some dog sweaters because she is always so cold now. I couldn’t reach the ex and her new live in boyfriend so I put the sweaters in the mailbox. I heard my kids barking from inside the house. I got the invite later in the week to come and see both dogs. The oldest had my skull and crossbones sweater on and came running at me as quick as she could when she saw it was me. It literally brought me to tears. I got down on the floor with her and loved on her all I could before when went back to her spot in the kitchen so she could sleep. I was told she does lots of sleeping these days. It broke my heart. I had to try and keep it together in front of the ex because I just couldn’t lose it in front of her. I loved on the youngest who was truly my favorite but she really didn’t want much to do with me because I had paid so much attention to the other dog.
Luckily I must have left an impression because I was able to see my cancer baby 2 more times. The first time she looked pretty damn good and was very energetic. She cuddled me and then she was able to get up on the couch behind me which I was told she hadn’t been able to do for some time. I felt her head rest on my shoulder and she started snoring. I made me feel like I was supposed to be there with her at that moment in time. I got a text 2 weeks later asking if I could come and have my lunch with her for the last time. She was going to the vet the next day.
I took the next day off and spent it with my girlfriend who read me the text, “she’s gone”. I balled like a baby in the car. I didn’t really want to live anymore with out her. I still don’t want to live without her but I don’t want to go to heaven to be with her.
I saw the youngest one more time, I still had stuff at the house and I needed to get it so I was able to go into the house and she her and got overwhelmed and had to go into the garage to get my stuff. I couldn’t be near her without balling my eyes out. I was supposed to get some time with her late last year and then earlier this year and it never materialized and when I asked about setting a solid time I could bank on, the bitch called me self centered and maybe that’s why we got divorced.
A month or so ago, I saw my ex mother in law at the diner we all frequented. I had talked with her since the split 2+ years ago. It was kinda a forced meeting and we talked and it was really nice to have a good feeling about part of that life that I left. I’ve seen her a couple times since and we’ve spoken. I would love to have a sit down just to see how she is doing but I really doubt that will ever happen.
