Fortify

“Cameron, I thought I was ready. I thought I was ready…”

Those were some of the first words my grandfather told me when I went to see him on Thursday. He’s been feeling the coming night for many years. It’s not unusual for him to tell me “I don’t have much time. It could be months or weeks at this point.” He has known that death is on the horizon for many years.

However, there’s a difference between seeing death on the horizon and seeing him sitting on the edge of your bed, waiting. We all have the knowledge that death is inevitable, but how many of us are prepared for that final journey? My grandfather thought he was, but when confronted with its immanent arrival, the natural human reaction is to grip tight to life. After all, death is the ultimate unknown.

Death means relinquishing all you know.

My grandfather is not known for his ability to let things go. I am unsure how easy it will be for him to unburden himself of the concerns of this world as he prepares to pass on. There is a lot that will probably go unresolved. Sad as that may seem, that is life. Not every problem is solved and when they are it is often messy and imperfect. He often holds on to unimportant things and makes a great fuss about them, which causes him and those around him unnecessary mental stress. Will this be different?

Helping him let go will be the most difficult, but also most important thing I can do beside simply being there for him. I don’t just want to be present. I want to help him pass with grace. He is introspective and we have had many conversations on philosophy and even death, dying, and the afterlife. I know he will be receptive, but will he really take what I say and apply it? That is, can this be more than a scholarly discussion?

This is no longer an abstraction (it never was, really…). It’s game time.

When I left, I told him, “I want you to know that I’ll be here with you through it all. I love you.” I could see in his eyes how much those words meant. I had those same eyes years ago when someone came to me in a time of great need. In moments like those, people are looking straight to each other’s hearts.

I wrote before that I would not shirk my duty to him. However, In order to be there for him, I need to do things to strengthen myself. After all, a pebble does not make a good rock to lean on — he needs a boulder.

I have begun the process of “fortifying” myself. I will need to be the best version of myself that I can be for both of us. I need to be strong mentally, spiritually, and physically. I know where I need to be — I’ve been there before — and I’m not there right now.

Right now, I am off balance.

After months of studying programming 80+ hours a week, my scales are tipped way toward the Mind corner of the Mind/Body/Spirit triangle. I’ve been absorbed by it to the detriment of my body (3 months in a basement eating Moe’s takes its toll!) and have neglected my spirit for longer. I’ve felt it keenly the last few weeks. How often do we feel that imbalance in our lives and simply do nothing to change it? Well, now I have no choice. I have to do it for him.

Time to Fortify.

Time to get back to eating well and excising regularly. The emotional drain of this will echo to the physical. I need to be sure that my body is strong and healthy enough to keep me going. I got sick last week and I’m having trouble shaking the cough. That simply won’t do. I need to feel my best to give him my best.

Time to re-read the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying.

This was one of the first books I read in a philosophy class. It changed my life. I don’t say that lightly. I’ve read it many times now. It was the first time I understood the point of spiritual practice and it guided me through my first brain surgery when death was a real possibility. I have read the first 3 chapters since Thursday and already feel more equipped to handle the situation. I’m sure I will explore some of the ideas I come across in the coming weeks and coming posts.

Death can be a powerful ally or a terrifying enemy, but that is all in our perception.

Death itself is nothing. It simply happens. What it is is an opportunity. It is the most powerful of moments that the Tibetans call “Bardos”. It is a moment filled with powerful potential. In that moment of death when we pass from this world to whatever comes next, there is a power that cannot be felt anywhere else.

My job is to prepare him for that moment as best I can. I want that moment to be like Steve Jobs’, where he can declare in wonder:

“OH WOW! OH WOW! OH WOW!”

To transform death from something to fear to something awe inspiring is no easy feat. I’ve done it before, but it was for myself and only happened after years and years of meditating on it. I believe I can do it for him too, but I need to reconnect with the part of me that doesn’t just have knowledge of death, but the part that has gleaned some wisdom from it.

This will be a transformative experience for the both of us. I have begun my transformation again and already feel the mental shift.

This is no longer a colossal task. It is a blessing. It is an honor to be there for him.

It is also a catalyst for my own improvement. Death is often the key to life. Sadly, it sometimes takes pain, tragedy, or suffering to wake us from our day to day lives.

Well, I’m awake.

Here’s a short list of what I will be doing to Fortify:

1. Read every day.
2. Meditate for at least 10 minutes.
3. Make conscious decisions to eat better.
4. Cook!
5. Restart that gym membership.
6. Keep plugging on the job hunt — don’t let it get me down!
7. Work on projects to keep my coding skills up — maybe one will go somewhere.
8. Get out of the house — it can be quicksand.
9. Write.

If you have other suggestions, please let me know how else I can Fortify!