Once and for all, I would love to explore. The world. From the high Alps to the tender whispering breeze of the sea. I would buy myself an ice cream after a day of exhaustion, a torturous summer heat, or just a little reward for wanting to get by. I would love to be on airplanes, set afoot in foreign places to meet beautiful strangers so I could compile photographs of strangers’ smiles and get accustomed to the pleasure of meeting different souls. I will take a Polaroid or the digital camera I bought from the very first pay of my job. It will have images of lush green sceneries, waters in blues and greens, and vivid skies from different places. Maybe I want to build a home in one of those places. During my years of living, I would carry the ones I left behind in a photo album and live while I miss everyone.
Needless to say, I will yearn, and wish, and hope to return to the past, although it will steal my happiness during solitude and occasions, still, I will get through it all — because that is truly living.
Perhaps, I’ll think of romance — a picture of intertwined hands. A stroll along the shore while two warm hands refuse to let go, and it is only morning, as the sun peeks behind the horizon to make ready for another usual day. I think of affectionate words. The ones where not only my lips smile, but my heart flutters as well. Certainly, I would, in return, give as much as I take. I am honest and faithful. Then, I would be satisfied to live in a well-built home. A kitchen that works, a clean bedroom, a garden where I can plant and grow gumamelas, santans, or bougainvillea so I could bring them to church and tell God it was all more than enough.
But first, YOU.
I will have my happiness, but not my peace truly if I leave you behind sooner. Who would feed you? Who would send you to school? Who would give you money to eat? Who would help you study? Who would help you land a job? You are an adult — young but surely you will become one. At least, let me be here. Give me a chance to be better at taking care of you. I’ve lived my life as a child once, but you can grow and learn as long as you will because I will always be here. I have already learned to know what mother would do, so we let her rest, and let me do her job. Just this once. I will be the one to help you find the great heights of where you want to be. I will always lift you, but I will never condone your atrocities. I will help you learn. I might seem cruel but bear with me. After that, you can build your own home, you can heal a thousand wounds, and you fly away from me. But, for an aching while of poverty and struggle, grip harder, hold on tighter to the hem of my clothes. I will even allow you to hide behind me, the scornful stares cannot penetrate through the fabric of my shirt nor the flesh within me. It will never find you.
I will finish school, believe that I will. Someone will build our dream home. We will travel to different countries, learn their traditions, and love their people. We can have a vacation while on a yacht, we can visit oceans and seas. Do you wish to live in a different place too? We can. We will.
I will not be satisfied, I will continue giving until you say you are tired of me and you would like to build a new home.
I’ll be here. I am your eldest. I can live, for a while, but I will die a more painful death every day if I leave you behind. I thank God in each prayer and each thought that I have you. So first, it must be YOU.
