What Does My Personality Look Like?
An excerpt from the upcoming book The Great Unlocking.
What does my personality look like?
What would my art look like?
How long would I hold conversations?
How would I naturally stand?
I used to think there was only one big decision to make.
Make this decision and all will flow from there. What is this idea, this decision?
The decision to be free. To be truly free.
The decision to act without restraint. To act as if consequences didn’t matter.
I believed that if you made this decision, you could finally live as you were. You could live as you really were.
I thought that would work. I really assumed that would work. But then,
I tried it.
I was going out the other night. It was dark though not late, and the night was open. No obligations, no responsibilities.
I smoked some weed and set out on foot.
I have enough built up courage and herbs to take on this challenge, this idea, this decision. I stepped out, truly unreserved.
Curiously, I did not find what I was expecting.
Let’s go back 10 years. Move in on another time in my life where I built up the courage to make a big decision. The decision to help the poor.
The vision to live as a young hippie in a community, a community built around generous behavior.
I thought this was a big decision too.
I read many books on young radicals. Radicals who put the course of their life on the line. Radicals who reached out, formed intentional communities, and committed the years of their lives to real people.
The stories were cool. Some had powerful success stories to tell. Others had beautiful, heartwarming tragedy. But it all rang true.
I thought to myself.
Am I up for this or not?
Can I make the decision to do this?
And I did it.
I built up enough of a head of steam to cross over the threshold of that decision. I decided to do it. I decided to release my security, my safety, and my freedom to go live with those not like me.
And I thought that was the key, I thought that was the goal, I thought that was the end.
After living that life for nearly 10 years, I now say that decision was no end,
rather it was a first step in a very long beginning.
When you step into that world, you find life, yes, but not angels.
You find people just like you.
Good and bad and ugly and funny.
You can build a life with these people, but nothing is given to you.
If you want something, you will build it.
I feel that today. I step out in freedom onto this cool metallic street,
and to my surprise, it’s not me who I meet.
It’s a person who doesn’t really know what to do.
A person who really doesn’t know who he is.
What would art look like if I made it?
What would posture look like if I stood it?
What does conversation feel like when I’m in it?
These are questions that take active effort to answer.
I need legwork.
I need exploration and courage every week.
Even if just a little.
This is a process, and it feels scary.
It feels like my shoulders rising up to cover the lobes of my ears.
Should I go for it?
Come on, let’s go. If we’re not here for this, what are we here for?