The Easy & Not So Easy Guides to Life #1: 5 things I did (you can do) to get over fuck-ups from work

Before you start spiralling down the self-destruction path and go all crazy eyes on the source of your work misery, do yourself (and people around you) the favour to understand why the fuck-ups happened.

I’m of course, by no means an expert on this subject matter, instead, what I’m attempting to do is to share my own personal experience which I’ve had the misfortune to go through and overcome recently with you.

Before we get started, it’s important for you to look inwards and be honest with yourself and ask the following three broad questions on what truly went down and have led to the situation.

1. Are YOU the reason why the fuck-up/s happened?
2. Is it YOUR BOSS? (Or the organisation at large in general?)
3. Could it be that Susan Miller is right about the eclipse wrecking millions of lives all over the world*?

Once you are clear about the WHYs, then let’s talk the HOWs.

*Let’s be clear though, there’s really nothing one can do about the eclipses except to go ahead and lie down in bed, pull the blanket up to your neck and wait it out.

If you answered a resounding YES to question 1- Are YOU the reason? Whoever you are, I salute you for having the balls and enough self awareness to acknowledge that. Not many people do. However, it’s important for me to confess that for my personal situation, I’ve bravely concluded that it was not me, therefore, nothing to share here. HOWEVER, I did some reading on this just so that I can still come across as helpful. If you’re indeed the reason why fuck-ups happen, it’s either you’re too good for this shit (THEN LEAVE! You deserve better) or you’re toxic with a taste of poison paradise (THEN LEAVE TOO, your company, co-workers, bosses deserve better!).

If you answered YES to question 2- Is it YOUR BOSS? (Or the organisation at large in general?) then, CONGRATULATIONS! You’re just like me. We are soul mates who have yet to find each other, we are siblings from another mother/father, we are everything they say we can’t be.

Again, I want to stress that our situations could be vastly different and so is the level of badasstrocities we are each experiencing. But, as I go through this corporate heart-break where I’m treated like a doormat of a girlfriend, here are the 5 things I did which help me feel better, and in essence, got me out of a work-rut. These won’t be your PC as hell 5 steps programme, but it worked for me and it might just for you.

1. IDENTIFY THE PERPETRATORS

Who fucked up when? Make a list of people who have contributed to your miseries and be as clear as possible how they fucked up. Be factual and ensure you have concrete examples to back it up. Once you have a solid list of who and what- it’s time to go bazooka on them. If you’re like me, working in a multi-national corporation who prides itself on transparent communication, then go ahead and milk the shit out of it.

Schedule a meeting with the perpetrators or the perpetrators’ bosses without revealing what the meeting agenda is about. Be as generic as possible on the invite. Feel free to just name it as “Catch up”, be sure to include a few smiley faces in the email body to avoid suspicions. Ensure the meeting is scheduled outside of the office environment. This could be a coffee place which you feel safe and/or wish for the whole world to hear your conversation.

• Rehearse what you’d like to emphasise on. It could be an unfair treatment, the ridiculous crap someone put you through, or simply your boss not pulling his/her weight.
• Always link it back to facts which you have gathered.
• Talk about your feelings as nobody can tell you that your feelings are wrong. If you could, try not to appear as an angry crazy person here. The key is to appear as “lean in” as possible but with waves of sadness and frustration (at the situation primarily and people secondarily even though your heart is telling you otherwise)
• Don’t be embarrassed to ask for help- ask for whatever you think that could soothe your bruised feelings and make sure the person is committed to a time-line.
• Repeat until your drink is finished or you’re getting sleepy.
• And then follow up on the help you’ve requested.

Remember, if you have no peace, nobody should have any.

2. INDULGE YOURSELF AND MAKE THE COMPANY PAY FOR IT

If it’s a major grievance and unjust fuck-up you’re experiencing, then, be aware that people are going to be generally sympathetic towards you. Therefore, they are also more likely to give you the space and time to “recover” from the tragedy.

Depending on the severity, you would either be okay to not go into the office at all during this “recovery” period (again, you know best, how long you can milk it), or you’ll still need to show your face along the cubicle corridor, but, the rule of the thumb is, be available but yet not available. This loosely translates to, if you have a meeting to attend face to face, do it. If you have a call you need to take, take it. Otherwise, any other down time in between, spend it on yourself and do the things you like, at the expense of your company (discreetly).

I’ve spent days, holed up at home, re-watching 6 seasons of SATC. Binge-watching TV series is the only form of marathon I’ve ever partake in life so far. I’ve laughed, cried and developed brand-new-never-before perspectives to life through the trial and tribulations of Charlotte, Samantha, Miranda and Carrie. One of my absolute favourite episodes is S6E09- a woman’s right to shoes, where Carrie stood up for herself (and all the single women who love their shoes) against the tyranny of her snotty, holier-than-thou married friend. I felt empowered knowing that single women like myself aren’t less worthy than our married women friends and why should we be judged on how we spend our hard-earned money?

While I’ve spent my down time being a TV junkie, you can use that time to focus on what you’ve always wanted to do but didn’t get the time to do it. This could be writing short stories, spending more time with your family, or just repaying your sleep debt which you’ve accumulated since college.

When you start to feel bad or guilty, stop yourself right there. Just imagine that this is a paid maternity leave but with no baby. While you may not have given birth to a real human baby, you sure had a lot to suck it up (given your plight) and hence, remember, by now you’d have accumulated a stomach full of poo baby ready for that emergency C-section.

So, my friend, please know that, you have earned it.

3. GO BE OBSESSED WITH SOMETHING

Distract yourself from all the negativities. It’s very tempting to focus on the bad and nasty, I know because I tend to fixate on it 22.5/7. The remaining 1.5 hrs was spent on binge watching TV series remember?

Anyway, I digress. If you set your sight on something else which either 1) excite you or 2) fucking excite you, chances are, you’ll temporarily forget about the shit pie that your company dealt you with. And that’s good, if not great.

My choice of poison is being obsessed with researching on everything related to my next vacation destination. For example, when all seemed bleak and gloomy, I went ahead and booked myself a spring 2015 vacation in September 2014. Once the tickets are booked, it became a daily ritual for me to launch Chrome -> File -> New Incognito Window (PSA: YOU DO NOT WANT THOSE BASTARDS TRACKING YOUR EVERY MOVE AND THEN JACK UP THE PRICE. I’M NOT PARANOID. IT’S TRUE!) -> Search the hell out of hotels.com/Expedia.com/Booking.com/Priceline.com/Tripadvisor.com and familiarise myself with all the below $200 USD per night options I have (sadly, very few) and curse at those fancy shit hotels charging $500 USD per night. SERIOUSLY? SCREW YOU NYC HOTELS!

Other than checking out hotel rates on a daily basis, I’m also out of control when it comes to making a list. I have a list of places to eat Asian food, places to eat brunch, places to drink coffee, places to eat Mexican, places to shop, blahblahblah, the list goes on. My life mission is to listify every single shit.

So you see, once there’s something else to be angry/happy/excited about, I stop rewinding and playing the corporate heart-breaking scenes in my head. I stop thinking about the sweet nothings those corporate bastards whispered into my ear via the horrendously cheapskate quality Microsoft Lync calls. I stop shedding the jilted lover’s tears over the promises made to build a future together in this fucking shit hole.

Therefore, please, I urge of you, go be obsessed with something (not someone! Because Maggie Q will hunt you down).

4. ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE DROWN IN VOMIT AND THEN RAINBOW. REPEAT UNTL SATISFIED

1 of the things I’ve found to be very useful for me was to hang out with 2 specific groups of people.

• Drowning in vomit (due to sheer disgust) with colleagues whom you can trust- they understand the system and therefore will appreciate any given opportunity to commiserate with you on the fuck-ups. In fact, they might have better stories to one up yours, thus, making you feel slightly better that HA! SOME POOR SOUL HAD IT WORSE THAN ME! Mine surely did help me feel better, over endless tea breaks during work hours- when we were supposed to be useful human beings and contribute to the growth of global economy and world peace.
• Drowning in rainbow (it’s the representation of all things positive right?) with good friends who are morally obligated to be there for you (specifically those whose hair you held so gently as they merlioned into the toilet bowl imaginarily or otherwise, you get the idea) even though it’s the 18177th time they have heard you repeat the stories. These are the people who will encourage you either tenderly or violently. Either way, you’ll benefit from these positive pep talks, regardless the form delivered (*do make a note though on who was short tempered, impatient etc so that you can keep scores for future purposes). In fact, one of the breakthrough moments for me occurred over a delicious Japanese free lunch with a friend (she indulged us at the expense of her company), she painstakingly reminded me that despite all travesties, I always have choices in life. It might sound like WTF-LY obvious to you, but, when your (my) head is deep in self pity, I assure you that you will see no light at the end of the fucking tunnel. When she drilled that into my brain, I felt like a heavy burden was lifted off me at that instant moment, though I can’t be sure if it was the sugar high from the molten chocolate cake I was stuffing into my mouth.

Nonetheless, this is the reason why, you need to surround yourself with a mix of people during this difficult time. Don’t believe those self help books which only focuses on the positive influence. Sometimes you need to bitch it all out so that it leaves your system. Comprehendes?

5. BE REALISTIC

As much as I wish I’ve something smarter, something more philosophical, something much suave to say for the final step, I don’t. The sad truth is, you (I) can only mope around for so long.

Once you recognise this fact, set a date in your iPhone, tell yourself that this is going to be a fresh new start, steam your best clothes, wear it, accessorise your outfit, go to work BUT take tea breaks liberally and hope for the best BECAUSE, we all know, when your bank account is empty- Amazon, Shopbob, ASOS, iHerb, Net-A-Porter won’t be shipping nothing to you unless you’re a trust fund baby.