The Isolation of Modern Parenthood — Questioning the Western Approach to Raising Children
Have you ever stopped to consider how much raising children has changed over the years?
I remember growing up in a family where we were always connected with grandparents, aunts and uncles — and I was ever envious of those friends who had lots of cousins too!
Those close connections meant that no matter how neglectful our parents might be, there was always some one around willing to engage or spend time with us. They were our teachers, mentors, and guides for where we might take our own lives.
Fast forward to today, and the scene has transformed dramatically.
Families have become more fragmented, and it seems like we’ve somehow accepted that it’s perfectly normal for parents to be left largely on their own to raise their kids.
I know on my own parenting journey, that family felt much more connected and available for my kids when I began parenting with my older two, 20 years ago.
With my two youngest aged 3 and 7, I feel viscerally this change in landscape, and I see these same stories of isolation and loneliness echoed repeatedly by other mums I meet or see messages from in my online mum groups too.
This shift in family structures and support systems is more than just an interesting observation — it’s an important issue that has a profound impact on the well-being of both parents and children.
Gone are the days when you could rely on your extended family to help you raise your kids.
Instead, many parents (women particularly) find themselves isolated and overwhelmed, struggling to manage the daily tasks of childcare with little to no assistance.
As a mother of four, I know all too well the challenges that come with this new reality.
There have been days when I’ve felt utterly alone, wishing for just an extra pair of hands to help me make lunch or simply watch my babies while I get some much needed work done — managing on one income alone is all but impossible these days!
In these moments, I can’t help but wonder: how did we end up here?
Why has the Western world determined that this is an acceptable way to raise children when it’s so far removed from how humans have traditionally evolved?
Evolution of Human Societies and Family Structures
Do you remember stories from your parents and grandparents day, about how during their childhoods, they’d roam the neighbourhood seeing friends and family, with the only proviso being that they had to be home by dark or dinner time?
I personally head that story over and over.
Even in my own time, it was normal for us to bike down to the library on our own, or up to our grandparents place. We often also played with kids up the road— no hand holding on the way; just the expectation that our parents knew where we were and when we’d be back, with dark being the limit.
Back in the day, it also wasn’t uncommon for several generations to live under one roof or at least within close proximity to one another.
This close-knit network of relatives played a crucial role in raising children and supporting each other in day-to-day life.
You could count on your aunt to watch the kids for a bit while you ran errands, or your grandmother to share her secret recipe for the perfect strawberry jam!
Parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins all played a part in shaping the lives of children, teaching them valuable life lessons and passing on cultural traditions.
So, what changed?
As societies evolved and more intensive urbanisation took hold, families started to drift apart both physically and emotionally.
People sought better job opportunities in bustling cities, and the idea of the “nuclear family” — a household consisting of only parents and their children — became the norm.
While this new family structure offered some advantages, such as increased privacy and independence, it also came with its fair share of challenges.
As we moved away from traditional extended families, we also inadvertently left behind the support systems that once held us together.
We traded the comfort of a close-knit community for the convenience of city living and “independence”, but at what cost?
A significant shift we’ve seen in recent years has also been the decline of unstructured playtime and increased reliance on scheduled activities.
Gone are the days when children could freely roam the neighbourhood, engaging in imaginative play and forming bonds with their peers.
Today, concerns about safety and the desire to give children every opportunity to succeed have led to tightly structured schedules filled with extracurricular activities, tutoring, and supervised playdates.
While structured activities can be beneficial in developing specific skills, the loss of free play can have negative consequences on a child’s development and independence.
Unstructured playtime allows children to explore their interests, learn to negotiate social situations, and develop problem-solving skills.
It fosters creativity, resilience, and a sense of autonomy that can be crucial in navigating the challenges of adulthood.
The loss of these kinds of opportunities has been isolating for parents as well, who now have to actively seek out these connections for themselves and their children, where once they would have come much more freely.
Again, at what cost have these changes come?
The Struggles of Modern Mothers
Picture this: It’s a Tuesday morning, and you’ve just waved goodbye to your partner as they head off to work. You’re home alone with your kids, and the day stretches out before you like a vast, unending landscape.
If you’re anything like me, this scenario might feel all too familiar. And while there is without doubt, plenty of moments of joy and laughter in our home (and beyond), there’s no denying the loneliness and overwhelm that often come with being a stay-at-home parent too.
Without the support of extended family members, many mothers find themselves juggling countless tasks on their own.
From preparing meals and doing laundry, to tending to the needs of their little ones, there’s often hardly a moment to catch their breath.
And as much as we love our children, being their sole source of care and attention can be emotionally draining — particularly when you’re homeschooling / unschooling, as we are too.
This sense of isolation can take a serious toll on mental health.
Postpartum depression (or just the regular kind!) and anxiety are not uncommon among mothers, with the lack of support and feelings of loneliness exacerbating these conditions.
We often talk about the importance of self-care for moms, but it’s difficult to find the time or energy to focus on our own well-being when we’re constantly attending to the needs of our children.
In this brave new world of modern motherhood, we need to be recognising the challenges faced by those who bear the brunt of childcare responsibilities.
Our societies should be acknowledging the emotional and mental toll that parenting can take, especially when faced with the isolation and lack of support that comes with our modern family structures — it grieves me when I see comments like “they’re just a stay at home mum” or “they don’t work” (read: lazy) without any self awareness or understanding from the speaker around the intensive and often lonely roles that these entail.
The Role of Social Media and Support Groups
In today’s digital age, many of us turn to social media platforms, like Facebook, as a means to stay connected with friends and family. For isolated parents/mothers, social media can be a lifeline, providing a semblance of social life and an opportunity to engage with others in similar situations.
From sharing parenting tips and milestones to venting about the challenges of motherhood, these online interactions can offer a sense of camaraderie and understanding that’s often missing in day-to-day life.
But what about in-person support?
Mum’s groups and parenting meetups can be a great way to connect with other parents and share experiences.
As homeschoolers in a bigger city, we have lots of opportunities for meet ups these days — although that does contrast from when we lived in a provincial centre, when this was significantly less the case.
With meetings typically scheduled for just a couple of hours each week, they can also hardly replace the constant presence of extended family members who used to help with childcare.
And again, not everyone has easy access to support groups, either due to limited locations or the difficulty of attending meetings with young children in tow.
While online connections and support groups can offer some comfort, they’re not without their drawbacks too — relying heavily on social media for social interaction can lead to feelings of comparison and inadequacy, as we’re bombarded with images of seemingly perfect families and Pinterest-worthy parenting moments.
Online interactions also lack the warmth and intimacy of face-to-face connections, leaving some mothers craving deeper, more meaningful relationships.
I’m not whinging about this — I’m grateful for what the digital world does offer! But it’s still not a replacement for what we had in the traditional “village”.
Rethinking Modern Parenthood and Finding Solutions
I think it’s important that we don’t simply accept this “new normal” and do question the status quo; exploring alternative approaches to raising children.
We can advocate and voice our need for the involvement of family, friends, and neighbours — advocate and educate on the important role they should be playing in providing support to parents who are struggling with the demands of childcare, while enriching the lives of our children in the process.
We could also work towards creating more accessible support networks for families, including expanding the availability and accessibility of parenting meet spaces, support groups, offering free or low-cost childcare services, or even creating online platforms where parents can connect and share resources.
We also need to be challenging the current economic environment that is putting so much pressure on the finances of ordinary people, and our ability to simply live.
How are we meant to give our children the time and attention they deserve when so many of us are compelled to run from one thing to the next, simple to ensure a roof over ones head and food on the table?
My personal view is that these pressures, combined with minimised connections and relationships is a large part of why youth mental health statistics have become so dire in the modern era.
We must also promote mental health awareness and ensure that parents are equipped with the knowledge and resources to recognise and address these mental health challenges — both for themselves, and their kids.
This includes breaking down the stigma surrounding depression and anxiety, and encouraging open and honest conversations about the emotional toll of parenthood.
As we rethink modern parenthood, it’s also vital to consider the importance of unstructured play and work towards creating an environment where children can safely engage in spontaneous, self-directed activities.
Some possible solutions include:
- Making grandparents, aunts and uncles aware of the need for their involvement in our children’s lives, including making themselves regularly available and easily accessible for our children to contact and engage with.
- Establishing community initiatives that promote free play, such as play streets, where roads are temporarily closed to traffic, allowing children to play freely in a safe environment.
- Advocating for the creation of safe, accessible public spaces where children can explore and interact with their peers without constant adult supervision.
By embracing the value of free play, connections, and relationships, and working together to provide children with opportunities for unstructured play, I believe we can foster a more balanced approach to child development.
And along the way, recognise that parents can’t and shouldn’t have to be doing so much of what was traditionally shared with others, on their own.
