A Message To My Future Lover
This message has been written to my future lover.
My love, I know we haven’t found each other yet, but this message is an apology to you. For the times when you’ll struggle to love me. Get angry with me and struggle with questioning if staying is worth it. This is for the times when I forget that you’re not the kind of man I’m used to. The ones who lied and cheated on me. The ones who’d make me question my worth. Question why I stayed and put up with all the bullshit, emotional abuse, and mistreatment.
I’m sorry for arguing with you for no reason. See, I’m so used to being with men who make me feel frustrated and angry that I sometimes forget you’re not like any of them.
I’m sorry for asking you 21 questions trying to catch you in a lie.
I’m sorry for being so guarded when you so willingly open up and show me your heart.
I’m sorry for being so scared to show you how much I appreciate all the thoughtful things you say and do for me.
I’m sorry for not saying I love even though I want to sometimes.
I’m sorry for having to act like I don’t care. It’s the only way for me to not let myself fall completely in love with you.
I’m sorry for shutting down when I feel like I’m being too vulnerable.
See, I’m afraid to let myself love you too much.
Get too comfortable with you being around, then when you fuck up, I’ll have to leave with my broken heart and start over.
I’m sorry if I make you feel like I’m not as committed as you. The truth is, I want to be, but there is a part of me that makes me feel like I still have to protect my heart. Just in case.
I’m sorry for not kissing you as passionately sometimes.
I’m sorry for the times when you want to hang out, and I’ll say no. It’s only because girls me need alone time so we don’t get too attached.
Plus, I’m the type of girl that has so many thoughts about so many things, that I need to talk to myself and sort all that shit out.
I’m sorry if I sometimes feel like I’m distant. It’s the only way I know how to not let this relationship take so much from me. Because I was once in a relationship where I let myself love him so much, that I when I left him, I lost a part of me, and found myself not knowing who I was anymore
I’m sorry for not getting close to your family. Truth is, I’m just afraid that if I ever lose you, I will lose them too.
I’m sorry I feel so heartless sometimes. The relationships from my past have left a hole in my heart and it’s sometimes hard for me to let your love fill it up.
I’m sorry I question you about your friends. I know you say there’s nothing romantically going on, but I was once in a situation where he said the same thing, and he ended up cheating on me.
I’m sorry for making you have to prove yourself over and over, but the truth is, in order for me to let myself love you, you have to prove to me that letting you in will be worth it.
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