One Year

Time is so mysterious. I have a friend who likes to say, “the months fly by, but the days drag on.” There is a lot of truth to this especially with young children at home, but this year was not like that. This year was marked by death and by life. All of the sudden, the days seemed counted. And yes, there were days which I was glad to see come to an end, but mostly I was just glad to be a part of those counted days.

About six months after Aunt Susan died, I was overcome with the realization that we will all die. Sounds silly, until that’s all you can think about. Anger mixed with sadness, trumped by fear took over as my mind wrestled with my heart. Every relationship now seemed terrifying just at the simple thought that it won’t last forever. All of the sudden, I felt I had WAY too many people I loved. If losing Susan hurt this much, the thought of losing a best friend, a sibling, my parents, my husband or God forbid, a child, was just unbearable. My heart responded with a panicked, “ABORT ABORT”!! This was not what I had signed up for. Oh wait, this is exactly what I signed up for. I love The Message’s version of Romans 12:9–13 “Love from the center of who you are; don’t fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle.11–13 Don’t burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don’t quit in hard times; pray all the harder.” So I had to start listening to my head on this one. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was not okay for me to “abort mission”. I was in too deep. What was I going to do?…stop loving the people I already loved? There was only one answer and my goodness, it seems like this is the answer I always get from my heavenly Father. “Trust me.” Seriously, God…I know the end game now. I know that my heart WILL break into a million pieces. Everyone IS GOING TO DIE! And as the Holy Spirit likes to do, He said “yes, and you can trust me.” So, in my stubborn hearted 37 year old self, I said, “fine, but I don’t know how this can turn out well.”

Well, He was right. I was wrong. I am slowly learning that “time”, which did feel like the enemy, is now a precious gift. I wish it didn’t sound so cliche’. But if this is all we’ve got, then we better go for it, right? No more shutting my eyes and clinching my fists, wishing that the day would just end. My 8 year old daughter is a bit of a worrier and I like to remind her of Matthew 6:34 which says, “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” This verse has taken on a whole new meaning to me since I realized that we might actually only have today. As a “recovering worrier” myself, it brings great joy to know that we GET to live today and hopefully we get to live tomorrow.

As Charlotte Susan’s 1st birthday approaches on the heels of Susan being gone a year, I am blown away at His faithfulness. I feel like Charley’s whole life has been some sort of response to Susan dying. I haven’t once felt burdened or sorry for myself during her little life. She is what it means to know that life is fleeting. The tiny hole in her heart that the doctor found is just another reminder that her precious life is meant for the NOW. I am grateful for each stage, every smile, every chance I get to rock a sleepy baby, every Cheerio thrown on the floor, every night time feeding, every blown out diaper, every tear I get to wipe away. Today. That’s what we are given. If tomorrow comes, then praise Jesus.