About Mitch Hedberg and his comedy

Quite possibly America’s one of the finest comedians,

Mitch Hedberg was known for his quirky observations and unconventional comedic delivery. His comedy routine was usually one-liners thrown at the audience one after the other with no apparent segues.

He had a cult-like following and celebrated comedians such as George Carlin, Dave Chappelle, Mike Birbiglia, and Lewis Black were also fans of his inimitable style and lovable personality. Time Magazine once dubbed him “the next Seinfeld.”

Born on February 24, 1968, in Saint Paul, Minnesota, Hedberg began his stand-up career after high school, when he was living in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, and working as a restaurant cook. He eventually moved to Seattle and gradually established himself in the local comedy scene. His big break came in 1996 when he appeared on the Late Show with David Letterman.

His life was short — he died on March 30, 2005, at the age of 37. He was found dead, of “multiple drug toxicity,” in a hotel room in Livingston, New Jersey.

Around three years before his death, in a 2001 interview with Penthouse, he was asked: “…how would you end your life?”
He replied,

First, I’d want to get famous, and then I’d overdose. If I overdosed at this stage in my career, I would be lucky if it made the back pages.

Here is a huge collection of his jokes and one-liners.

• I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it’s more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.
• Onions make me sad, a lot of people don’t realize that. When I’m cutting onions, I’m sad.Because the plight of onions, it’s sad. But people don’t realize I’m actually crying — they think I’m just reacting.
• Here’s a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
• I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.
• Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can’t do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.
• I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.
• I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, ‘Dude, you have to wait’.
• I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling. I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
• One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
• When I was younger, my mother told me, Mitch, some day you’re going to have to move out of the house and get a job. Well, today is the day, that’s why I’m here with you people.
• I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
• My manager said, ‘Don’t use liquor as a crutch!’ I can’t use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.
• Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.
• I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
• My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She’s an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
• I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
• I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he’s fuzzy, get out of here.
• I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You’ll be mad, but it will be too late.
• Has anyone seen me on Letterman? Two million people watch that show and I don’t know where they are. You might have seen this next comedian on the Late Show, but I think more people have seen me at the store. That should be my introduction. ‘You might have seen this next comedian at the store,’ and people would say ‘Hell yes I have!’
• I’m an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.
• Say, I was on The Craig Kilbourne Show and the next day I flew to Minneapolis. I was at the airport and a guy came up. He said, ‘Dude, I saw you on TV last night.’ But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good, he just confirmed that I was on television. So I turned my head away from him for about a minute, then I turned it back. I said, ‘Dude, I saw you at the airport about a minute ago. And you were good.’
• If my kid couldn’t draw I’d make sure that my kitchen magnets didn’t work.
• I tried to freshen up a room, so I held a Certs in front of a fan.
• That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It’s cool, he’s with me.
• I have found when I look at an audience that the expressions on the peoples’ faces aren’t always up to par with the sounds that they’re making. A crowd can sound like they’re having a good time when your eyes are closed but if you open your eyes, the looks on some of those faces don’t equal the sound.
• When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
• I had to take a physical to do this show. They had a lot of weird questions like, ‘Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?’
• People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Unless, of course, they enjoy many broken windows.
• If I was a locksmith I’d be fuckin’ pimpin’ that shit out. Say, what’s goin’ on, man.
• Tell you what. I’ll trade you a free key duplication(laughs). That joke made me laugh before I could finish it. Which is good ’cause there’s no ending.
• Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain’t funny!
• Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
• I bought a house, it’s a two bedroom house, but I think it’s up to me to decide how many bedrooms there are. This bedroom has an oven in it. This bedroom has a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is over in that other guy’s house.
• Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?
• I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,Forget everything you know about slipcovers. So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn’t know what the hell they were.
• Hell, yeah! Meeting adjourned!
• I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.
• XM radio doesn’t have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I’m like, ‘What should I buy?’
• I miss the $2 bill, ’cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?
• I was walking down the street with my friend and he said ‘I hear music,’ as though there’s any other way to take it in. ‘You’re not special. That’s how I receive it too… I tried to taste it, but it did not work.’
• I like cottage cheese. That’s why I want to try other dwelling cheeses, too. How about studio apartment cheese? Tent cheese? Mobile home cheese? Do not eat mobile home cheese in a tornado.
• The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, ‘Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?’ I’ll say, ‘Just press two for a while, when I answer, you’ll know that you’ve pressed two enough.’
• Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!
• Advil has a candy coating. It’s delicious. Then it says on the bottle, do not have more than two.Then why do they have a candy coating? I cannot help myself. Let me have ten Advil, I have a sweet tooth.
• I wrote a letter to my Dad — I wrote, ‘I really enjoy being here,’ but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I wrote, ‘I rarely drive steamboats, Dad — there’s a lot of stuff you don’t know about me. Quit trying to act like I’m a steamboat operator.’ This letter took a harsh turn right away.
• Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.
• When you’re doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That’s the worst method. You’re up here, and then you see a floating candle. ‘Oh, no! This place is haunted!’ I can’t be funny when I’m frightened.
• I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That’s kind of silly. ‘Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned?’ ‘Yeah, I did, and you know what — that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!’
• I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!
• I like baked potatoes. I don’t have a microwave oven, and it takes forever to bake a potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I’ll just throw one in there, even if I don’t want one, because by the time it’s done, who knows?
• I saw a sheet lying on the floor, it must have been a ghost that had passed out… So I kicked it.
• I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.
• You know they call corn-on-the-cob, ‘corn-on-the-cob’, but that’s how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It’s not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it ‘Mitch’, but then re-attached it, and call it ‘Mitch-all-together’.
• Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.
• I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.
• Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!
• I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.
• People associate long hair with drug use. I wish people associated long hair with something other than drug use, like an extreme longing for cake. And then strangers would see a long haired guy and say, ‘That guy eats cake!’ ‘He is on bundt cake!’ Mothers saying to their daughters, ‘Don’t bring the cake eater over here anymore. He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?’
• Every time I go and shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, ‘I’m gonna go shave, too.’
• I never joined the army because at ease never seemed that easy to me. It seemed rather uptight, still. I do not relax by putting my arms behind my back and parting my legs slightly, that does not equal ease to me. At ease is not being in the military. I’m eased bro, cause I’m not in the military.
• Whenever I go to shave, I assume there’s someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, I’m gonna go shave, too.
• As an adult, I’m not supposed to go down slides. So if I’m at the top of a slide, I have to pretend that I got there accidentally. ‘How the hell did I get up here? I guess I have to slide down.
• Whee!’ That’s what you say when you’re having fun. You refer to yourself and some other people.
• I like refried beans. That’s why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time. You don’t have to fry them again after all.
• Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn’t even get his degree.
• I’m a mumbler. If I’m walking with a friend, and I say something, he says, ‘What?’ So I say it again, and he says, ‘What?’ Really, it’s just some insignificant stuff I’m saying, but now I’m yelling, ‘That tree is far away!’
• Mitch’s Pizzaria… this week’s coupon: unlimited free pizza. Special Note: coupon not good at any of the Mitch’s Pizza locations. Free pizza oven with purchase of a small Coke. Two-for Tuesday: buy one pizza, get one franchise free.
• I like Kinko’s, because they’re open 24 hours. If it’s 5 am and I decide I need two of something, I’m covered! Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, and then I think, ‘Oh, yeah. Kinko’s. No problem. That will not remain singular.’
• If you drink O’Douls, you don’t drink; but if you drink 20 O’Douls in a half hour, then you’re a non-alcoholic.
• Mitch\”, but then reattach it and call it \”Mitch-all-together.
• My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of koala bears scatter. But I don’t want ’em to, you know, I’m like ‘Hey, hold on, fellas. Let me hold one of you. And feed you a leaf.’
• I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
• I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an escalator temporarily stairs.Sorry for the convenience.
• I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
• Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
• I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That’s like a free compliment and you don’t even gotta be smart to notice it.
• I got a hotel room at New York New York in Las Vegas and I was very happy. They’ve got that rollercoaster encircling the entire premises, just like Manhattan.
• I can’t eat spaghetti. There’s too many of them.
• I walked into Target, but I missed. I think the entrance to Target should have people splattered all around. And, when I finally get in, the guy says, Can I help you? Just practicing.
• I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like it.
• I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender.
• You just say what the thing does and add ‘er’.
• All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
• With a stop light, green means ‘go’ and yellow means ‘slow down’. With a banana, however, it is quite the opposite. Yellow means ‘go’, green means ‘whoa, slow down’, and red means ‘where the heck did you get that banana?’
• I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that… day.
• Incubated. And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a grill. And then put on a bun. Damn, it’s gonna take a while. I don’t have time. Scrambled!
• I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don’t think the waitress understood me. She asked me, ‘How would you like your eggs?’ I thought I would answer her anyway and said, ‘Incubated! And then raised, plucked, beheaded, cut up, put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun. Damn! I don’t have that much time! Scrambled!’
• I met a girl who works at the Double Tree front desk, she gave me her phone number. It’s zero.I tried to call her from here and some other woman answered. I said: You sound older!
• Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup.
• One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,Here’s a picture of me when I was younger. Every picture is of you when you were younger. Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.You son-of-a-bitch! How’d you pull that off? Lemme see that camera… what’s it look like?
• I had one anchovy, that’s why I didn’t have two anchovies.
• I got a king sized bed. I don’t know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he’d be comfortable. Oh, you’re a king, you say? Well you won’t believe what I have in store for you! It’s to your exact specifications! I believe I can set up your old lady, too!
• I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, ‘You’re gonna have to move, you’re blocking a fire exit.’ As though if there was a fire, I wasn’t gonna run.If you’re flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
• I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.
• If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.
• If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, ‘Hey — maybe a killer is after you!’
• If you can’t sleep, count sheep. Don’t count endangered animals. You will run out.
• You know when you go into a restaurant, and it gets busy and they start a waiting list, and they start calling out names, ‘DuFresnes, party of two.’ They say again, ‘DuFresnes, party of two.’ But then if no one answers, they’ll just go to the next name, ‘Bush, party of three.’ Yeah, but what happened to the DuFresnes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing!
• And they’re hungry! That’s a double whammy! ‘Bush, search party of three!’ You can eat once you find the DuFresnes!
• Earlier I`ve done hatever I could get my hands on to do for a living. I tried a couple of different things, but kitchen work was the best for me, because I took to a nomadic lifestyle before I started doing comedy. If you travel and get to a town and need a job, restaurants are always there.
• If you drink O’Douls, you don’t drink. But if you drink 20 O’Douls in a half hour, then you’re a fucking non-alcoholic. Non-alcoholism is a problem too. And there are symptoms, like when you fall down, does it always hurt? — Live at the 40 Watt Club, Athens, Georgia, April 9, 2002
• When it comes to racism, you hear people say, ‘I don’t care if people are white, black, purple or green.’ Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.
• I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don’t call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, but now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips.
• I have a few cavities. I don’t like to call them cavities, though — I like to call them ‘places to put stuff’. ‘Do you know where I can store a pea’ ‘Yes, I have some locations available.’
• I have an oscillating fan at my house. It goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying ‘no.’So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say ‘no’ to! Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have 3 settings? LIAR! My fan lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you’re not saying ANYTHING!
• I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.
• I got binoculars ’cause I don’t want to go that close.
• Y’know, you can’t please all the people all the time… and last night, all those people were at my show.
• My lucky number is four billion. That doesn’t come in real handy when you’re gambling. ‘Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice.’
• I like it when you reach into a vending machine to grab your candy bar, and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up? That’s a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners. ‘Yeah, what candy bar are you getting?’ ‘That one, and every one on the bottom row!’
• I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That’s a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.
• I saw soda pop for $1.20 a six pack. That price messes with your head. You start thinking you’re gonna sell soda pop. Suddenly I’ve got packs of pop with me. ‘Looking to buy some pop?50 cents a can. It’s not refrigerated because this is a half-assed commitment!’
• Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
• A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive.
• When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I’ll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, ‘Do you have coke in a glass harmonica …Do you have individually wrapped cashews’
• I don’t need a receipt for a doughnut. I’ll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction! We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this! I can’t imagine a scenario where I’d have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend…’Don’t even act like I didn’t buy that doughnut! I’ve got the documentation right here! Oh, wait, it’s back home, in the file. Under d…for doughnut.’
• A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.
• I went to the airport, I put my bag in the x-ray machine, I found out my bag has cancer. It only has six more months to hold stuff.
• I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
• I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
• One time a guy handed me a picture. He said, ‘Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.’Every picture is of you when you were younger. ‘Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.’ ‘You son of bit, how’d you pull that off Let me see that camera. What’s it look like’
• I ordered a club sandwich, but I’m not even a member. ‘I like my sandwiches with three pieces of bread.’ ‘Well, so do I!’ ‘Then let’s form a club.’ ‘OK, but we need some more stipulations.Instead of cutting the sandwich once, let’s cut it again. Yes, four triangles, arranged in a circle, and in the middle we will dump chips.’ ‘How do you feel about frilly toothpicks?’ ‘I’m for ‘em!’ ‘Well, this club is formed.’
• I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.
• Well, that’s a ‘fresher’. I’m going on break.
• I went to a tent store. ‘What kind of tent do you need?’ ‘Circus.’
• I was walking down the street the other day when this guy asked if I wanted a frozen banana…I said ‘no’ but then thought I might want a regular banana later, so…yeah.
• Remember that show ‘My Three Sons’? It’d be funny if it was called ‘My One Dad’… wait, what?
• I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say I’m hungry, so it died.
• Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
• My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana. I said ‘No, but I want a regular banana later, so… yeah.’
• I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still have tartar, but that stuff’s under control. I got so much tartar, I don’t have to dip my fish sticks in anything. That’s actually kind of gross. After that joke, I have to clarify that I’m just joking.
• I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away — ‘Knock knock — Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?’
• You know that word lull? That’s four letters, three of them are L’s, fuck! That’s too many L’s in one word! The word lull is one letter away from… oh shit. That’ll fuck up a joke!
• I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. That’s sad, but then they said, ‘Lola does not know the meaning of the word ‘can’t’.’ That, to me, is even worse in a way. Not only is she missing arms, but she doesn’t understand simple contractions. It’s easy, Lola — you just take two words, put them together, take out the middle letters, put in a comma, and you raise it up!
• I don’t have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it, so I would get a baby-naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.
• In Venice, Italy they don’t have streets, they have canals. So in Venice, we gotta keep the kids off the canals. In Venice if you’re not book smart, but you do know what’s going on, you are canal smart. I got canal smarts bitch!
• It’s hard to fight when you’re in a gazebo.
• I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.
• Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I’m in front of a fireplace, I’m hilarious.
• I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the Hoover to detox.
• I like it when people laugh for no reason… like that lady over there.
• When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, ‘Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!’
• Sometimes I wave to people I don’t know. It’s very dangerous to wave to someone you don’t know because, what if they don’t have a hand? They’ll think you’re cocky. Look what I got motherfucker! This thing is useful. I’m gonna go pick something up!
• To the people in the bathroom: How’s it going in there?
• I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. ‘Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win.’
• That’s always disappointed me, to see a guy in the crowd who doesn’t look like he’s having fun but in general if you just listen to the crowd it sounds like they’re having fun. So I don’t want to focus on the one guy who’s not having fun. And by closing my eyes and just listening, I can’t hear that he’s not laughing but I can see that he’s not laughing.
• I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later.
• I’m into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.
• I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.
• My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck’s really going on down there? Who is the real hero?
• By the way, you don’t have to be sweaty and holding a basketball to enjoy a Gatorade. You could just be…a thirsty dude! Gatorade forgets about this demographic!
• I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.
• I don’t have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it so I’d buy a baby naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.
• I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.
• I find that a duck’s opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf. That’s the biggest joke on the duck ever.If I worked at a convenience store, and a duck came in and stole a loaf of bread, I would let him go. I’d say, ‘Come back tomorrow, bring your friends!’ When I think of a duck’s friends, I think of other ducks. But he could have, say, a beaver in tow.
• I’ve always wanted a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist… allright.
• My friend said to me, I think the weather’s trippy. I said, No, man, it’s not the weather that’s trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy. Then I thought, Man, I should have just said, ‘Yeah.’
• Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can draw and people can identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think it’s cheddar. It’s the only cheese you can bite and miss. ‘Hey Mitch — does that sandwich have cheese on it?’ ‘Every now and then!’
• If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.
• I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn’t grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.
• I don’t know how to fix a car. If the car breaks down, and the gas tank does not say ‘E’, I’m screwed. But if the gas tank says ‘E’, I get all cocky — ‘I’ve got this one, don’t worry.’ So I get out the toolbox AKA wallet.
• I read that MTV’s Real World got 40,000 applications. That’s amazing, such an even number.You would have thought it would be 40,008.
• I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
• Some comics get drunk before a show. I don’t. When I get drunk, I don’t want to stand in front of a bunch of people that I don’t know. That does not sound comfortable. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated and not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand? I want a chair too!
• Pepperidge Farm bread. That’s fancy bread. You can tell it’s fancy because it’s wrapped twice.You open it, and it still isn’t open.
• That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.
• I like rice. Rice is great if you’re hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.
• I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don’t do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.
• I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I’m upside down.
• Come on ‘long prosperous life!’
• I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car’s headlights and tell you exactly which way it’s coming.
• You know when you see an advertisement for a casino, and they have a picture of a guy winning money? That’s false advertising, because that happens the least. That’s like if you’re advertising a hamburger, they could show a guy choking. ‘This is what happened once.’
• I guess the one-liner kind of comic sounds like a guy who can talk and talk and whatever the subject is, he can pull out a one-liner, but I couldn’t do that. I didn’t like the association. I mean, I love Steven Wright, but so many people started saying ‘Steven Wright’ to me, and I would get mad, because I never wanted to be thought of as copying anybody.
• Listerine hurts, man, when I put Listerine in my mouth, I’m fuckin’ angry. Germs do not go quietly.
• I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company.They said, ‘Screw it. Cut ’em up!’
• The customer’s always right.
• That’d be funny if you were a drummer, and you grabbed two magical wands instead of drumsticks. Be pounding out the beat 1–2–3–4 Oh shit, my bass player’s now a can of soup…Sorry Rick, I mean Cream of Mushroom!
• A guy told me he liked cherries…but… I waited to see if he was gonna say tomato…before I realized he likes cherries just…all right, that joke is ridiculous. That’s like a carbon copy of the previous joke but with different ingredients. I don’t know what I was trying to pull off there.
• When you go to a bar that has a black light, everybody looks cool. Except for me, because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.
• People ask me for my autograph after a show. I’m not famous, I think they’re messing with me.I think they’re trying to make me late for something.
• They say Flintstones vitamins are chewable. All vitamins are chewable, it’s just that they taste shitty. I’m glad they made Flintstones vitamins because I used to watch The Flintstones and go, Man I bet you if I ate that dude, I would be healthy.
• I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.
• I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot.Which is just a big warehouse with a whole lot of people standing around saying ‘We don’t have to fix anything.’
• I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white.
• I’m not even white. I’m off-white. It’s a new race; we will prevail!
• I think a rotisserie is like a really morbid ferris wheel for chickens. It
• Stand-up is an art but since it’s humor and it’s funny — a lot of guys that don’t think it’s art are probably coming from the angle that they don’t want to take it so seriously. I’ve always looked at it as an art but I don’t look at it as a pretentious art. I understand it has to be taken lightly because it is just comedy in the end, but the good stand-up comics are someone with something to say.

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