My Face Is Printed On Air Mattress Packages In Every Target Store In The US- Here’s My Story
If you look close enough, you can find my face on the side of air mattress packages in the sporting goods section of every Target store in the United States. While I’m not able to verify my claim firsthand, I am able to tell you that I’ve seen air mattress packages with the printed image of me and a 9 year old boy on a camping trip in Target stores in Colorado, Oklahoma, Illinois, Tennessee, North Carolina and Pennsylvania. I go out of my way to locate my likeness in every Target store I go into mostly because I think it’s funny, but also because I’m a little proud of myself for my odd accomplishment.
Even though someone payed me — $160 dollars to be exact — to take pictures of me and post them on said air mattress packages, I don’t consider myself to possess what it takes to be “professional model material.” If you forced me to assess my looks right now, I’d probably rate myself a solid 7 out of 10; not bad but nothing special. If my looks were an album reviewed by Pitchfork, the score wouldn’t be anywhere close enough to receive a Best New Music rating, and yet my mediocre mug is in every fucking Target store in America. You’ve gotta savor every victory, no matter how strange it might be.
Like most people, I have a tumultuous relationship with my looks. No matter how much sleep I got the night before, I always look like I need a nap the next day. I’ve got clear blue eyes, a short red beard, huge pouty lips and thick, soft serve ice-cream wavy hair. People have told me more than once that I look like an adult Jimmy Neutron, or a q-tip even. I digress.
Anyway, here’s how it all happened:
I was packing up to leave after a guitar lesson, when my student’s mom asked me if I’d ever considered doing some modeling work.
“No, I haven’t”, I stuttered. “I literally have never thought that.”
A few weeks later, I found myself at a park in Arvada, Colorado, signing away my rights on some photographer’s iPad.
“Ok, Patrick, so today we’re shooting a scene of you and your son on a camping trip. You’re the dad”, said the young, flanneled photographer.
You guys think I look like a dad?, I thought. Jesus. I hate dads.
“Ok. Sounds good”, I said, forcing a smile.
Sensing that I had no idea what I was doing, he tried to bring some levity into the situation with a little joke.
“Let me set the scene for you here, Patrick”, he said, pulling me aside. “It’s the weekend after 9–11. Your son just lost his mom. You’ve gotta make this trip count.”
I responded with a polite little chuckle; just enough of an audible laughing noise to let him know that I heard him, but not laughter enthusiastic enough for me to feel guilty.
A photography crew of 8 or so people began to weave in and out of a large camping tent when the boy and his mom showed up.
“Hi buddy, how are you?”, I asked the boy, summoning all the fake confidence in the world.
“Hi”, the boy quietly responded. It was clear that he didn’t want to be there, and I couldn’t blame him. I made it my mission to try to get him to like me. I was his fake dad, after all.
“So, do you like Iron Man?”, I asked. “That’s a pretty cool movie.”
“It’s ok”, he said.
“What about Guardians of The Galaxy?”
“I don’t know”, he replied, shyly.
“What about your real dad?”, I asked. “Is he a pretty cool guy?”
A woman from the crew interrupted the interrogation and informed the boy and I that they were ready to start.
“Smile at your son!”, shouted the photographer. I complied and the photographer began to snap away.
After my air mattress debut, the only other modeling work I’ve done was for a commercial advertising a TV that is specially made to fit into the tailgate of a truck. The crew made me wear a terrible pink polo shirt, and when the director saw me on the set he said, “We’re not going to be needing you today.” Basically, I was paid hundreds of dollars to eat 3 and a half bagels at the snack table. If that’s not success, I’m not sure what is.