Do what Anakin couldn’t do
As a person i feel like i can relate more to Anakin Skywalker more than anyone else in the Star Wars Universe. Why? Good question you must be wondering how on earth i could relate to a dude who had the potential to be one that fought for the greater good but ended up becoming one of the more ruthless beings in the universe. It’s because i feel like Anakin Skywalker went through 4 stages in life, as a child he was afraid fearless yet afraid of many things, his mother and he went through various forms of oppression at the hands of a cruel task master and he was afraid of loosing his mother, he was made the man of the house at a very young age.
While i may not have gone through anything of the sort, i too am aquainted with the word fear.
I fear being alone sometimes, although i hate to admit it, and yes i’ve heard the whole lecture about not needing anyone to make your day, don’t be mistaken i can very much entertain myself, its just that i’d enjoy entertaining someone else.
I fear that i may one day just give up on it all and lose interest in anything and resign myself to a life of monotony because what is considered socially acceptable is what will make those around me happy, and no I’m not talking about illegal things, well maybe yes in this country (Sri Lanka) my preferences are rather illegal. So yes i fear conformity.
I fear i may loose my nature of hopeless romantic-ness, because I’m constantly told that the one who holds the upper hand in a relationship is the one who cares less. I agree with this, its true! But I’m not one to go chasing after power in a position where i claim to love some other person. Power isn’t love, happiness is, and i fear my capabilities of making someone else happy would go to waste.
I fear being stuck, in a virtual puddle of quicksand that would slowly suck whatever life force i have left in me, because at this point no venture I’ve invested my time in has brought me any form of lasting happiness, its all just momentary.
I fear a lot of things.
I get angry very easily, not with anyone else, but with myself. Because i cant for the life of me begin to understand why things happen the way they do. How certain things in life seem so unfair, and despite your efforts to point them out or change them they continue the way they are.
I get angry when i cant change the circumstances around me, i get frustrated when things don’t go according to my plan, for in my head my method is the only way to ensure chaos is avoided.
And in getting so worked up over issues that i really cannot intervene in i cause chaos for no one but myself. Something i know Anakin failed to realize.
My anger prohibited my ability to think rationally. It prohibited by ability to engage in productive activities. It hindered my ability to progress as a person. My anger damaged none other than myself, as Anakin’s anger damaged him.
I felt a lot of hate, most of it directed once again at myself, though some of it directed at those who i felt had wronged me, through various stages of my life till now.
I hated most people, because i thought they lacked compassion, i lost what little faith i had in humanity, and its ability to atleast once, get things right. I grew suspicious of everyone, i figured if i treated everyone like they had it in for me, id be safer.
To this date i’m told “ Don’t trust everyone, they’re all out to throw you under the bus, and all people care about is themselves”
This made me hate my surroundings, the constant reinforcement of negativity that makes up social media, the senseless warranting of hurting other people’s feelings, and my lack of ability to change the views of people, my lack of ability to carry out a conversation on topics like this because i would get too emotional and cry before i could get anything out, made me hate everything.
I hated feeling like i couldn’t change anything, or explain anything.
I hated myself for my inability to make anyone stay.
I shut down, shut everyone out, and came to a position where it feels like I’m staring at the world from inside a machine. Too bitter to let anyone teach me any better, too sorry for myself to get up and do anything,
All i was left was with nothing, and with no one to blame but myself, i could have changed my outlook on life, i could have done better, i could have surrounded myself with good people, but i lack the ability to find them and now i fear its too late.
This is when it hit me, i can change my surroundings, at first it may be frustrating, but i can do it. I realized i may not need to rush into premature friendships, for when i establish myself and make myself a more holistic person i may attract those, who enjoy such company.
I may be alone in some instances now, that’s mostly because the only three people i care about are perpetually busy. But i can attract others who are as amazing as they are, and maybe not have to worry about being too alone.
I don’t have to go vader, and destroy everything in my wake to get what i want. I don’t have to take the negative advice I’m given i can just let it pass through my ear.
I will not choose my battles, however i will choose who i have them with, i don’t need to get offended by everything, as long as it doesn’t physically hurt me or anyone i love, i’ll be fine.
I must accept the fact that certain individuals cannot be reasoned with, for one has to learn to understand that they are wrong in the first place.
I need to accept that i too may be wrong on certain occasions.
I need to learn that accepting ones faults does not mean i give those who pointed them out authority over my life.
I need to understand that not everyone’s intentions are pure, and also keep in mind that the purity of my intentions must not be tainted by those that surround me.
I can get through anything and the only person that can bring about that ability to do so, is no one other than myself.
I don’t have to become vader, i can take the chances and make the changes Anakin could not.
I will break these chains that bind me,
Happiness will find me.